Greatest Hits

I just saw these hearing aids that are disguised as Bluetooths. They're designed to look like Bluetooth headsets for people who are too embarassed to wear legit hearing aids. So...they're not okay with you knowing they're deaf but they're more than alright with you thinking that they're a douchebag. Oh, if you wear a Bluetooth? You're a douchebag. Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH! NO!...you're a douchebag.

I went to enjoy a delicious wrap at my favorite local wrappery. Getting down with some wrapparations (see what I did there?). And I ordered it with no tomatoes. The bitch taking my order goes "Oh don't worry sir. I know what you're worried about and I assure you our tomatoes are salmonella free and are fine for you." Um...no bitch. They're not fine. You know why? Cause...they're still tomatoes! Tomatoes are fucking gross! Hey. Go in the back. Check the tomatoes and see if they're still tomatoes. If they are? Keep 'em the fuck off my shit!

I'm enjoying a delicious Crunk!!! contemplating if I have a shot at being in the Rockettes but more importantly than that how many is the appropriate amount of prank pizzas to order my neighbor? I didn't block your driveway asshole. You don't have a driveway. You can't even do the Cha Cha Slide! What the fuck am I talking about?!

...Well what I'm not talking about. Mac users. "Oh man I can't believe I ever owned a PC! Macs are so much better." You're an idiot. Put Shinedown or whatever raperock your're gettin' down with on pause and listen to me: its the same shit. Except Apple isn't smart enough to add the right click button on the mouse. "Virus Software? Ha! I do not need such things. I have a MAC." Correct. Cause what fucking hacker is going to waste their time writing a virus to wipe out your photo gallery of your trip to Brussels or your home DJ software. They'd rather hit the 90 Bajillion (factual statistic) PC users who store credit cards and shit on their desktop.

What the FUCK is Twitter? And how can I use it to fight Craig from Escape the Fate? Mad props to everyone that came out Monday and made our tragedy of a performance really fucking fun. We don't play hardcore that sounds like its from 1992 but we really gives no fucks and do whatever we want whether that means telling you you're a faggot or that certain people in your city have ironic straight edge tattoos but still fuck everything they see or wearing ninja costumes and breaking everything and we love our bullshit even if that means we might not do the conventional means to convey the message. And if that's not "hardcore" to you, then please refer to the lack of fucks we distribute.

If you saw 9, and you know that Twilight is the worst movie ever made, tell me what you thought about it. I haven't seen it yet but I'm a sucker for Jennifer Connely ever since she wanted to kill that baby in Labyrinth.

Forever fuck your friend's band,
- RR

If you're still alive, then you're not a Suicide Girl.

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not actually smart, I'm imaginary smart". These are likely the same people who don't know that Alaska is part of the United States or that Hannah Monatana and Miley Cyrus aren't really the same person. (what? yes they a-) These people also say they aren't "tech savvy" when you get annoyed that they don't know how to text message. I'm not asking you to re-image the harddrive chief, just press the "2" button until you get to the desired letter and move on. They also post bulletins and shit that say "Don't open a video from 'such and such' because it has a VIRUS!" This amuses me. It should read: "Hey! I'm incapable of basic security and I just royally fucked my computer. Does anyone have a zip file with Twilight and Jack Johnson on it?"

And finally people who wear deep V t-shirts are fucking faggots. And I don't mean 'faggot' like they idolize Cher and fuck each other's boyfriends. I mean faggot like they have Twitter conversations and talk about bike (like BICYLCLE not Biker Mice From Mars bikes) races. And don't get all Wanda Sykes on me and act offended. First of all, Wanda sikes used to fuck dudes because her name used to be Wanda Sykes-Hall. And ya know what? she was funnier then too. I don't care how many actual 'gays' you know. Fact of the matter is, I just hate flat brim, purple Nike mismatched with neon yellow and electric blue sweater, skinnee jeans wearing douche bags. And I like the word 'faggot'! SOOOO:

Fuck you. Fuck your friend's band. Fuck your shitty parents. I will punch you to death.

The Death of Shark Week

I think it's funny that I work with really shitty people. Like...the kind of people I would fight or kill in real life. But I'm pleasant to these faggots for the sake of a nice work environment. Thanks HR! But sometimes they aren't pleasant to each other, or even better - the ones they love don't have the same rules I do. This is the story of such an event. So basically...there's this scumbag monkey looking motherfucker named... well we'll call him Bubbles. I would call him Trixie Kong or Curious George or Flava Flav but I didn't hate those monkeys and I surely hated King Kai's fucking primate Bubbles. So Bubbles sucks and he's married to this FLY bitch. She's latin and probably listens to Shakira but the Spanish versions and she orders her fajitas with the corn tortillas and says vato and gringo alot. Then there's also this disgusting fat fuck named... we'll call her Fat Sweaty Betty. She thinks she's hot but her face looks like its melting. And she's fat. Hence "fat fuck." FSB is also, somehow, married. So Bubbles and Betty. They're fuckin' right. And Bubbles' fly as FUCK wife finds "I love you emails" from FSB to Super Scrub...


and fucking stabs him in the spleen!

Knife. Spleen. Connection. Bam. I think I'm in love. So Bubba comes into work...and I can't stop laughing at this dude. Or making spleen references. Spleen you doing today? How's it spleening out there? I need a new spleensaver. Like yo you got stabbed in the spleen after fucking a fat bitch, you might wanna relocate cause errrbody knows yr bizness. Sidenote: Bubbles' wife's facebook status? "Betty, I'm going to kill you."

EPIC. STOKED.

So what I'm really trying to say is...date a Latin girl. Cause she's down to take blades to a motherfucker if neccessary. And I find that very attractive.

Bluffin' with My Muffin

Maidens and sirs, it's June and you know what that means - SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS. Now I see movies all the time because the sweatshop I manage is right next to a movie theater and after 11 or so hours of hearing those damn 5th graders makes noises which I interpret as complaining in a language of the orient, I need something to take my mind off of how worth it the Nokias and Nikes they make is. But rarely do I actually get excited about movies until the recent incorporation of 3D in animated films. THREE D!!!! Now I actually don't know what 3-D stands for or how many D's my normal features are in but I'd bet my lucky World of Coca-Cola penny that it's less than 3 of 'em. Not only am I getting more D's, you also get new sunglasses with the purchase of every ticket! Now supposedly you're supposed to give these glasses back that you just paid an extra $4 for but Global Warming is a real threat, and if I won't fight the UV rays who will!! (what the fuck is he talking ab-) So of COURSE I was overjoyed not long ago when I saw the best movie of MMH8 entitled: Bolt in 3-D to see the preview for Disney/Pixar's latest release UP!

UP! is without question, an amazing movie. But there's something you should know about it: It's the saddest fucking movie ever made. And don't even try and say "well then clearly you didn't see the Notebook." The Notebook is only sad in its closing moments. UP! is sad the entire fucking time and what's worse, is its like almost hidden! You're tricked by the big ol' Bird (as I oft am) and the talking dogs that you forget, oh holy shit this is the most emotionally intense 90 minutes of my theatrical life. Another movie I saw recently that blew my fragile mind, was TRANSthefuckFORMERS 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Before seeing it I was told by many people that it sucked but my hopes would not be dashed. So I go and see it at the Hippodrome which is what the independently owned IMAX theater here has been renamed, which I'm all for. I mean I'm down with Hippos. Hungry Hungry Hippos, Flavio and Marita from Animaniacs, Gloria on Madagascar, I've kicked it with a hippo or two. So in short, the movie is amazing, despite Megan Fox's terrible tattoos and the fact that it makes me wanna be speared by Megatron when I think that Shia LeBeouf dated Rhianna. It's so so so good and so I go to question these people that said otherwise to inquire if we even saw the same fucking movie. They tell me "man i didn't like it...it was all about the robots and them fighting."

...

THE MOVIE IS CALLED TRANSFUCKIGNFORMERS! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!

Tis not entitled "Sam Witwicky." It's supposed to be about robots and fighting and death that doesn't make sense 'cause they're machines and how do they love? At least they hate. I can respect that.

Soused

THREE MONTHS?! What the fuck could I have possibly been doing for 3 months? Well truth be told, I was caught up in an intense tournament of Celebrity Connect Four. Connect Four should not fool you by its simple concept and clear segregation of native american and people without high school diplomas: It's a thinking man's game. Now that doesn't mean you have to be a genius to play it. I've seen grandmothers who try to use TV remotes to make long distance phone calls cut some ass in Connect Four. It just is all strategy. It's like Survivor but gay people aren't allowed to win. And before you get mad, it's okay. I can say shit like that because both of my dads are gay.


Man I am THIRSTY! It's a good thing you don't have to talk to type. If I was a crippled, on top of not being human, I'd be real bummed out that I'd have to speak everything I wanna type 'cause my pallette couldn't handle it. I typically don't like drinking soda but something about the Taco Bell exclusive!!!!! Mt. Dew Baja Blast I feel an exception for. I like Taco Bell a lot, I just wish...I wish no one worked there. Not because I have poor customer service experiences with my local burrito artists [TM] but because you always meet motherfuckers from Taco Bell. And what do they always wanna tell you right after you ask for free cinnamon twists? "Oh you shouldn't eat there. Don't eat the ground beef." They always tell you that you're about to die but never why! You'll be like well what's in the ground bee- "DON'T EAT IT MAN. TRUST YA NIGGA ON THIS SHIT."



I don't even eat meat and I still need to know what the fuck is going on with the ground beef. I need to know what's in that, and what the fuck is in nyquil. Nyquil is the only sleep inducing substance that you're not supposed to have anything else with. Why? BECAUSE IT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! You never read "Do not take alcohol with Ubisom." But there's like a red skull and crossbones with an online link to fill out your will on a Nyquil bottle. Which by the way, if you're working on your will, please bequeeth me something. I would like to be told I'm being bequeethed and not in the middle of Reno, Nevada at a place called the Pink Pony writing a check for $453.00. Post-dated.

Jammin' Jambalaya!

Since I can remember I've been allergic to peanut products. I've never had a peanut butter cracker, never bit into a Butterfinger candy bar despite Bart Simpson's constant peer pressure, and I've absolutely never ever ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were to, then my throat would quickly close in a matter of minutes preventing me from one of my least favorite habits: breathing. And apparently, this is a vital part of the living process. But that somehow still doesn't stop dumb white [redundant] people from asking me if I ever crave it. When you're fatally allergic to shit like that...you don't crave it. Peanuts smell like death to me. That's like me asking you "yo, I know you've never eaten out of a portapotty before but do you ever just like CRAVE that?! OH MAN! You don't know what you're missing!" Unless you're a downtown longboarder because I see you faggots eat shit everyday. Sometimes into parked cars but unfortunately, never into each other. Either that or they'll just go on and on about how fucking good PB is and how much it must suck to me because I can't eat it. Well first of all...I CAN eat it! My life my rules! I can do whatever the fuck I want! But I DO NOT eat it. And deucely, JOKE'S ON YOU NOW WHITE PEOPLE! I saw the Congressional testimony! Y'all niggas is FUUUUCKED! You're gonna be chockful of salmonella with typhoid fever and blood comin' out yr ass. I used to think salmonellla was something that made my crotch itch after dating Katlin Reeder back in high school but turns out it's some sort of bacteria found in AIDS victims who went and fucked everything up for the rest of us...wait no...not us. JUST YOU! You pad thai eating fuckers!


I guess there's lots of things I don't eat between being anti-fruit (the smell bad so I assume they taste bad too. I judge.) and vegan. One thing I really hate is other vegans...well other vegans. BUT MORE SPECIF, vegans who refer to all their food with the word "vegan" before it. If you say yo Ima go have some macaroni and cheese, and your hemp bracelet says "Vegan Girls Swallow More :-)" then I will assume that your meal will be vegan. You don't need to tell me "hey I'm going to go eat some vegan macarovegani and vegan cheese vegan. Did I mention I'm vegan? And fucking strict too. I don't eat honey and wear a nuva ring. They're made with gelatin ya know? I know. I mean I know everything about it in both of the months I've made this life decision I'll change my mind about next month when my girlfriends aren't doing it anymore."

None of the dudes on Top Chef would tolerate that kind of bullshit. Except for maybe Carla. Which is why I assume in 5 days on the finale she'll be the main course and possibly the secret ingredient on Iron Chef America. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY! FIGHT ME.

Shadaloozer

Gossip Girl what the FUCK! A five week hiatus?! I can't deal with it. I need more Jenny Humprey in my life than once every month and a half. I mean yeah she's what like 14? But I guess I can like older girls this one time. I'm convinced her and Dan's father IS Gossip Girl. 'Cause this motherfucker is NEVER at work. So he has plenty of time to just sit at home and blog it up about bullshit. I mean what a loser right?! Who has time to just sit and rant about...oh...so anyway I'd like to take this time to address some things I'm excited about this year in music and movies. Now what does that really mean to someone whose favorite album of 2007 was Avril Lavigne and favorite movie of MMH8 was Bolt? Well the answer has two parts: 1. everything; 2. Don't fucking sass me or I swear to God I will make you my Rihanna whilst I hum the chorus to "No Air." That's a two-fold punishment. You probably thought I was gonna say hum "Breakin' Dishes" but that would be too obvious. (huh?)

First and foremost: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why is this number one? Welllllllll because it's the soonest. And I have the patience of a piece of shit who rides their bike on the sidewalk has with pedestrians. Yo if you ride your bike on the sidewalk, you're a pussy. Period. Actually if you ride a bike at all, you're a legit faggot anyway unless you're under the age of 13. However, if you're like pushing 30, waiting tables, and worried more about the tattoo sleeve you're gonna get than your rent payment or that your haircut looks like it's from the 1950's (and not the T-Birds, but the dudes who got beat up by them) then you probably need to just get that fixed gear on I-26 and close your eyes, but PLEASE not before refilling my sweet tea and would it be too much trouble for some more bread? We gotta get the recipe for bread. I wanna live in a world where you can just go to a grocery store and buy bread right there ready to eat! Now I know it's been like 15 years since the original Street Fighter and that they're pretty much disregarding that it happened and bypassing the two most popular characters for Chun-Li but godDAMNIT you have to start somewhere. Besides, you know she's gonna do the spinning bird kick. What more do you need? Ryu and Ken? Yeh probably but did I meantion spinning bird kick? I feel like I may have neglected to bring that up. And I don't know if you've heard...I was under the impression everyone had heard. I thought it'd be bigger news. Oh you HAVEN'T heard? Well the spinning bird...is the word. Or for our construction worker friends: La palabra esta el pajaro.

I'm sorry I take that back. That was a little racist and discriminatory. I know it takes all kinds to build a highway. But mi abuelita always told me that Mexicans are a lower form of life than us Venezuelans and if you're calling my nana a liar OH DO WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS!!!!! THAT WOMAN MADE ME CHILE RELLENO FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE! And there was some platanos too but I'd never eat it. I don't eat fruit. I never have eaten a fruit. They're wet for no reason! It weirds me out.

Well all this talk of you beefin' with Nana Cubillan and nauseating fruit has sidetracked me into a state of dry heaves and a strange craving for cheese stuffed peppers...so I'm gonna go fingerblast my throat like it was Taylor Momsen and I'll get back to you later.