Tha Fuck

Autonomy

2011-12-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

So I originally was going to post about my top albums of 2011 but...I just kept on writing down Femme Fatale over and over again so while I work on that I decided I'd put tha TV on for some background noise because people talk on it and makes me feel like I have friends! But I realized not very good ones (art imitates life!) because very few shows really stick with me. I mean sure I watch wrestling every day but there's only a couple shows I really care about and, more importantly, that really care about me.

Tha Walking Dead. I don't mean to spoil this for you, but zombies have taken over tha world (much like vampires soon will because you keep romanticizing them!) and there's a handful of white people, an Asian whose parents are probably ashamed of him, and a black guy that are trying to make it out there! I know it's an apocalypse because this haggard bitch Lori has somehow been railed out by both tha main male characters...and they don't even regret it! They're practically fighting over her! Tha zombie apocalypse has made them prison gay for ugly girls.

Now, given, my dream girl is a teenage single mom wigger babe with purple and teal hair but there's no way in a world where Kristen Bell is still making movies would Glen find Maggie hot. But this is how we know tha world is over. There's no Kristen Bell.

Now I hear a lot about this show Sons of Anarchy but I've never seen it because I don't own any denim vests and I'm too busy spending Tuesday nights watching THA LOONEY TUNES SHOW. "Oh yeah I used to watch that all tha ti-" NO YOU DIDN'T. This is a 2011 relaunch of tha franchise and it is, in all likelyhood tha greatest animated series of all time. I know you guys thought it was Tha Tick

but here's tha thing: Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck...LIVE together...and their neighbors are Yosemite Sam, Sylvester & Tweety, Gossamer, Speedy lives inside their house, Porky is just always like...around and they have a character way hotter than anyone on Walking Dead: Lola Bunny. Oh Lola. We've come a long way since Space Jam <3.

Wizards of Waverly Place it goes without saying is tha greatest show on television. Sadly it is coming to an end with only a few episodes left in tha entire series! This is really a big blow to sitcoms because Wizards has:

- tha hottest TV mom of all time,

- tha hottest sitcom girlfriend,

- and tha hottest TV brother

At least that's what my dad says. Other than that...5 years late I finally love 30 Rock. I originally saw it and was like "nah" but now I watched season 4 and I'm like..."yeh." It actually has a continuous plot and isn't just random episodes thrown together like tha first season seemed to be. It's like Sex and tha City for people that like shows that are funny and don't have 4 women in their post menapause eras pretending they're still hot. Actually it's a cast of tha most important people in my life, namely Tina Fey

and Alec Baldwin. Tina who wrote tha greatest movie of all time, Mean Girls and Alec Baldwin who is down for animal rights and in Tha Cat in tha Hat. OMG Dakota Fanning.

IGNYTSTFU

2011-11-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

"Tha economy is in shambles blah blah" LISTEN...I have REAL problems okay? For one, this fucking Taco Bell is outta Baja Blast. Occupy THAT! Also, I haven't had tha easiest time locating Pumpkin Spice Silk this year. Now I contacted my congressman about that and he told me to go find a pumpkin soy cow and laughed at me. REAL FUNNY. Now I know what you're expecting here: me to either defend Occupy: Wall Street like Man Overboard defends pop-punk or to attack it and tell you why it's stupid like a sequel to Stay Alive. Although Stay Alive did have Peter from Heroes. Heroes was a good show. I know posers who started watching it after it went off tha air don't blog about it like Lost (see: 90% of Tumblr), but it ruled. And never really concluded. Kinda like when I went and saw Twilight. I left once Kevin from tha O.C. started chasing Kristen Stewart so that way, it would never end in my mind!

What was my point?

Oh yeah.

Posers.

So Occupy Wall Street, also known as First World Problems, is actually a great cause, message, and idea. But unfortunately tha messengers of tha message are not really who should be actin' like they know what they're talking about. Fighting for a civil liberty isn't quite tha same as fighting for a credit score. When you're barely out of your teens, unemployed, never OCCUPIED...a job, and never paid taxes I'm gonna need ya to shut tha fuck up. When you spent $150,000 on a degree and can't find a lot of work as an injury lawyer (maybe next time don't go to Yale? Or...major in tha handbells or whatever) I'm gonna need ya to shut tha fuck up. If you liked tha movie (500) Days of Summer? IGNYTSTFU.

If you truly advocate OWS, I'm sure you're not naive enough to your own cause to realize there are people that aren't genuine that do NOT really get it that are trying to bandwagon and are misrepresenting tha real frontliners out there...and unfortunately that is tha MAJORITY of tha online posts my poor peepers are forced to see all day long on tha interweb machines. I just hope you all have saved enough money over tha years to...

Buy tha new Demi Lovato album! Unbroken! Tha title is NOT referring to my heart while I listen to it because there are some real tear jerkers here but I stick to tha club bangers and guest spot tracks. I was really conflicted on whether or not to BUY it as I don't want Demi to stop cutting herself and I'm afraid if she's TOO successful she'll be too happy. No no don't take that tha wrong way! All I'm saying is that she obviously makes tha best career moves when under a low carb (aka food at all) diet and when she's...um...DETOXING herself of needless life fluid. OH!...and I like it when girls cut themselves. But who's to say this wasn't just a ploy to get her to get some press away from that Selena Gomez trick? Now don't get me wrong, Wizards of Waverly Place is tha best show on television and I LOVE Alex Russo. I just...hate Selena Gomez. Let's not forget she's tha biggest Belieber in tha joint and have you seen that little shit? Guilty by association. It's a policy you should adapt too.

I always thought she'd end up with someone offensively older than her like...George Clooney or something. But no. Clooney is railing Stacy Keibler who should really be with ME and most mornings it feels like she is since it's November and my Maxim calendar is still on January so we can wake up together.

But then I realize we'll never be together because Lindsay Lohan would find out and think this whole her being tha most important woman in my life shit has been a farce and then she's gonna cut herse-...wait a minute. I could use a new Lindsay Lohan album.

Stronger Than Dirt

2011-10-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a computer in a long time because apparently torrent downloading tha entire series of "Street Frogs" and "Samurai Pizza Cats" has hidden viral consequences. But now I am back on tha QWERTY ready to Google what a Netflix is and if that Jack White/ICP thing is real.

But before I do that, I gotta eat. And as you know, it IS PFE (Pumpkin Fucking Everything) season so I heard about a new spic spot opening down tha way and decided to see if they had pumpkin tacos. My waitress told me I took her "vegan virginity" by being tha first to order from tha vegan menu. I told her that was ironic since most vegans are, in fact, virgins.

Tha only thing cool about being vegan other than pissing your parents off is that it gives you an excuse to eat weird shit because it's already fucking weird you won't eat a Monster Burger. This is why I'll put Vegenaise of fucking...ANYTHING. Sandwiches? Yes. Chinese food? Absolutely. Cupcakes? Non issue. I'll put Vegenaise...on more Vegenaise!

But probably my favorite thing to put Vegenaise in is ramen noodles. I've never used seasoning in my ramen because tha foil packet it comes in scares tha shit outta me. I used to date a girl (huh? I thought you were ga-) who told me she has NEVER eaten ramen before. Initially, I was blown away but then I thought about things she'd done that I'd never done before. I've never smoked a crack pipe before and she didn't judge ME for it so I guess we were just from two different worlds.

MAC Flag

2011-07-17T17:16:00.001-07:00

Today is a pretty historic event. Ya see I consider myself quite a wrestling fan. And not that fake shit they do at tha Olympics, but tha real deal with gold belts and Goldbergs. Aside from Royal Rumble 2010 and Wrestlemania 27 which I attended however, I find it difficult to actually purchase PPVs. I'd rather go to a local sports bar and suck down Shirley Temples and watch it than drop $44.99 on something I'm going to watch once. But tonight I'm willing to crack open a couple RRs in Eden and see history go down at MONEY IN THA BANK.

Cha-ching bitch! I've been jumping off of ladders onto strangers all day in preparation. If you didn't want to spill your latte, maybe you shouldn't have just gotten Boom Dropped homie! And if you don't know what a Boom Drop is, maybe you shouldn't be racist.

Ya know Monday Night Raw is actually tha longest running episodic program on television. Some people think it's tha Simpsons. Some other people also thing pineapple or black olives are acceptable pizza toppings. What I'm getting at is, all those people are wrong. But one show that has GOT to be in tha runnings is Power Rangers. These motherfuckers are 19 seasons deep! NINETEEN! You mean you couldn't save tha universe in 19 seasons? Tha problem here is that they got greedy with their heroism. See I fucked with MMPR haaaaard...for tha first 5 seasons. Tha seasons they were on EARTH. When they went to space? I was out. I don't live in space. I don't care if space gets saved. It just lost some realism to me. Magic martial arts powers and body controlled robots to fight evil mythical powers? Sure. Magic martial arts powers and body controlled robots to fight evil mythical powers IN SPACE?! Take that shit to tha mall. I had trouble believing tha trip to Phaedos for tha Ninjetti powers but then they returned to Earth and handled Ivan Ooze not to mention that straight banger off tha soundtrack with tha "uh oh. we're in trouble." Um you're goddamn right you're in trouble. There's a full grown man that just hatched out of an egg here. Time to go get some powers from space and then what? That's right. COME BACK. Take what you need and leave. It's tha American way. (Aww political undertone :| ).

New 311 album out TUESDAY! 07/19/2011. Here's tha first (and probably only) single off of it. If you've ever heard a 311 album then you've heard this song a couple dozen times before a.k.a. it rules.

Juggalo Youth for a Florence-Free America

2011-07-09T16:02:00.001-07:00

I just received tha 2nd mixtape anyone's ever made for me; tha first was from my second girlfriend called "Do You Love Me?" [tha answer would turn out to be no] - This one is called "Return of tha Real" and given to me from a guy named "Bugz" who sells hard rocks 2 blocks down tha street. I'd call that an improvement.

It's funny how music can motivate you to wanna do things. For example, this CD makes me want to go sell drugs in a school zone whereas Britney Spears new album "Femme Fatale" makes me want to TAKE copious amounts of drugs, turn on a strobe light, and fuck anything I can find. And hopefully what I find is that babe from tha new Transformers movie Shia LaBeo- I mean uh... tha bitch who plays Carly. I bet she pronounces water like "war-tuh". That's silly. Take that shit back to tha mall in Hogwarts. Diagon Alley right? See, I read a book once!

I read tha first Harry Potter and then read tha 2nd one and realized I'd just read tha same book twice. I didn't need to read tha other ones to know that V-Mort is gonna come back and Har-Po is gonna beat him. I need something with more depth and mystery. Something like Winnie tha Pooh. Where tha fuck is all tha honey? Why do Heffalumps live in a forrest? Is Tigger molesting Roo? See this is real literature. And Eeyore is my DUDE. You're welcome for noticin' you homie!

In conclusion, I've been jamming hard thanks to my friend DFR who obviously GETS me. She told me to check this 17 year old Taylor Bright out and I knew I was going to love it as soon as I saw "17." Turns out in addition to being a babe she has this banger called "Psycho" so here it is.

PROHOMO

2011-07-06T18:59:00.001-07:00

I recently tried to use Tumblr and that shit was whack. I don't get why people use it though I'm into tha numetal spelling where they leave out one vowel. I also was going to try doing a video blog, a v-blo, but I realized I need either a tripod or a camera man. A Freddie if you will. A Freddie to me, Carly. So here we are. Back to tha blogspot. Feels RIGHT. So guess what? Gay marriage is legal in New York! How cool is that?! From what I understand it's just tha RECOGNITION of gay marriage is legal versus marriages being able to happen within tha state but either way it's pretty cool and leave us with only 10-15 more states to get on board. I say 10-15 because like...I don't really give a fuck if somewhere like...Wyoming legalizes gay marriage. They have like 6 people per square mile and 5 of those people are goats. Speaking of gay people, I'm more than just a lesbian hairscut and a love for Tegan and Sara. That being said I'm currently selling these PROHOMO bracelets to help raise money for EveryoneIsGay.com which is an outreach site for people dealing with being gay whether it be coming out to their parents or just questions about feelings they might be having. PRETTY FUCKING COOL. And tha girls that run it are total babes.

I'm so upset about this Casey Anthony trial. I'm so upset that people think I know what tha fuck they're talking about. Who is Casey Anthony? Is she on tha Disney Channel? Then get tha fuck outta here. Ya know who was on tha Disney Channel? One Christy Carlson Romano.

Louis Stevens is Transformerizing and Disturbiatuding and Eagle Eyeing, Dad Stevens is holdin' it down on Secret Life but where is sweet Ren? She was so hot she needed 3 names (like Amy Jo Johnson and Melissa Joan Hart). Those braces. That pissy attitude. Talk about a dreamboat AND she voiced Kim Possible who's easily tha hottest Disney Channel cartoon character. I guess that's not hard to beat Phineas or Penny Proud but tha facts remain. I'd probably date a girl who dressed like KP. I'd probably date a girl who used tha phrase "what's tha sitch?" when inquiring to me what movie we were gonna go see or which Limp Bizkit album we're gonna listen to.

Hopefully tha movie she is selecting is tha new Transformers and tha Limp Bizkit album is GOLD COBRA. Rarely do I get real real psyched on an album coming out that I need to get it on release date at 10am with a backwards baseball cap on to top off my black t-shirt and cuffed khakis but this was an exception and it payed tha fuck off. So I leave you jammin' to John Otto takin' it to tha Matthews Bridge.

BRING IT ON.

Madness

2011-05-21T20:39:00.001-07:00

So tha rapture apparently was supposed to happen today. I wouldn’t know this if I didn’t have a twitter (@rainbro) but enough people told me that it was supposed to as much as people tried to make it sound like raptor sounds like rapture…It’s pretty much an embarrassment to everyone. It embarrasses people who believe in God because it justifies atheists thinking you’re an idiot that tha end of tha world would have some sort of time table on it; It’s embarrassing to atheists because they act like tha people that believe this shit are real. They’re about as real as it being summer in May.

I’m so sick of clowns "loving summer." News flash posers: it's MAY okay? Blue creme Oreos haven't even come out yet. Get a clue. I haven’t been able to find those R!O Oreos either. Sad day. But I DID get to see R!O and it was sooo good. Top 5 of tha 2000’s for sure. Bolt of course being number one. Educate yourself. I still haven’t seen Scream 4, Fast 5, or Thor…um…1. But I did also see Bridesmaids! I was skeptical to check it out since people kept comparing it to tha Hangover but it’s really nothing like tha Hangover at all. Ya see Bridesmaids…

is a comedy.

A comedy that doesn't bring me half as much LOLz as faggots who own iPADs and now think they're dubstep DJs. Yooo I own bandaids. Am I a doctor?! None of you are photographers, models, DJs, musicians, comedians, writers, artists, or even "porn stars." You have a Facebook page, a camera, and a dream. And hey, keep livin' it! 'Cause you think life sucks now? Oh man! Wait til you have your heart broken and a rent bill. And recently my heart was broken.

It broke as soon as I was told that one of tha most recognizable names in wrestling, "Macho Man" Randy Savage died at age 58 due to a car accident. He was a big part of my childhood and I truly am saddened by tha news of his death. His style and charisma was only outshined by his performance in tha ring. He'll always be immortal to me.

R.I.P. Randy Poffo

Nuer Than Most

2011-05-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yooo...look at that! Only like a month delay this time. So Wrestlemania was amazing. I met Michelle McCool and she hugged me and I'm pretty sure we're best friends now. Check my twitter followers ya know?! I got to see tha Hawks kill tha Celtics (but not really kill them. That faggot Davis is still breathing unfortunately :[ ) and eat at my favorite restaurants in Atlanta eating tha best fake food money and blood diamonds can buy.

Tha NBA playoffs are goin' down right now and if you know me you know I back tha Lakers hard. Perhaps tha hardest. Recently Kobe got a lot of heat on him for calling a ref a "fucking faggot" and I think that's really fucked up...that he's getting shit for it. Review tha video - that ref was being a fucking faggot! I have a lesbian hairscut and marched in pride parades when you were still thinking SOAP Shoes were cool so if anyone is qualified to identify tha proper use of tha word faggot it's me.

I've been trying to go out of my way to spread tha gospel of tha nu in 2011 and have been able to see some of my favorite bands from when I was younger: Taproot, Cold, (hed) P.E., Papa Roach and MY band even got to play with Nonpoint on my birthday a couple weeks ago. I really want girls to embrace this nu-ness in their style and this begins with anemically pale skin and most importantly... artificially colored hair. My go to color? PURPLE. And holy fuck if you can combine this with tha side ponytail?! I'll melt like ice cream you forgot you bought whilst grocery shopping so you go see a movie and then you go to take in tha bread and Capri-Sun in and you're like fuuuuuuck tha ice cream!!!!!

Purple isn't tha only color though. I pretty much back any unnatural hair color: teal, blue, red. Feel free to play bass and wear studs and combat boots too. We can make this work.

Basically what I'm trying to say is: I'm 12 years old, it's not rape if it's family, I don't know what an Osama Bin Laden is, and I spend my days trying to drown myself in tha bottom of these cans.

So unless my dream finally comes true and my phone isn't always tha lucky one who gets to die, I'll talk to you soon.

\||/

Return of tha Nu & Improved

2011-04-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't hit this up in a while. Like 6 months. Tha good news is, you haven't missed out on anything. I've gone on a few trips, been to a few basketball games, and uh...OH YEAH! RIGHT NOW I'M AT FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA!!! No big deal. I'm not even excited about it. Who cares. In fact tha last time I posted was tha day i bought tha tickets. I'll do a whole WM weekend update soon.

I mean big things have been going on in tha world ya know. Serious things that affect tha world as a whole and not just your little island you live on. Things like...okay Taco Bell? HAS THEIR OWN FRITOS. What?! Rockstar Recovery has been single-handedly catapulted into popularity by me that it now comes in THREE flavors, two of which are good, AND...

My band has recorded tha greatest piece of musical history to ever grace sound, light, or tha further. I think some people and animals died but that's secondary to an Orange Rockstar Recovery obviously. People die everyday, revolutions only happen when...ya know...I make them happen.

I recently went to Colorado amongst other cities and states but Denver, Colorado really stands out tha most because mainly because:

1. There are NO black people in Colorado. It's like tha Australia of America just with less Lisa Frank looking mountains and more sports stadiums. One of which is tha Pepsi Center where I went and saw tha Denver Thuggets embarass tha Spurs. Tha best part about this was every time this Vince Russo lookin' motherfucker Manu Ginóbili got tha ball, they boo'd him like...well like he was Vince Russo. You don't get this but it's HILARIOUS I promise.

Saw a few movies recently but none I'm more excited about than RIO coming out.

But as far as non-animated movies, Scream 4 and Fast 5 have my attention. Fast 5 has The Rock in it and I've always been a sucker for those movies even though I KNOW they're bad. Sometimes that's half tha fun. Scream I've been into ever since tha first one because I understood Billy's plight. I mean I'd have to kill Neve Campbell after I fucked her too.

I'm going to update this way more frequently but while I had some downtime I figured I'd try to get back into it. Until then, remember that sadness is for poor people and Celtics jerseys are for faggots.

- rr

Rockstar Recovery

2010-11-04T06:53:00.001-07:00

Been a long time. Since I left you...and I don't talk over everyone else's posts like Timbaland does in every song he produces. But I'm back now so congratulations on your good luck! YOU! Getting to read MY thoughts and opinions! I wish I was you so I could read my shit. But don't worry. I read my own over and over again and I laaaaaugh and laaaaugh...I actually just got a digital camera because it's 2004 and that's a new technology so maybe to make it less effort on myself I'll just start doing webcasts. LET THE FINGERBLASTING BEGIN!

Last night was election night so I hope you all voted. The polls are of course closed now so we're all aware of the winner:

So while I was gone I've pretty much only been listening to tha new Katy Perry album named after me: "Teenage Dream".

It's so fucking good and I haaaated "Just One of the Boys" for several reasons. I mean for one, "I Kissed a Girl"? Gross. Right? And really any girl just trying to be "one of the boys" is annoying to me. Go get some more tattoos and talk about Call of Duty slut. I just hate when Katy does that thing with her mouth where she's making noises that sound like words but amazing pop songs AREN'T playing in the background. You might think I'm a faggot because this is my 2nd favorite album of the year (the first being Ke$ha's "Animal") and because I sing "I WANNA SEE YOUR PEA-COCK-COCK-COCK" at the top of my lungs in my car but you're wrong!...

I'm a faggot because I like boys.
I'm a pedophile because I like 'em young.
And I'm an Aries because my birthday is in the first week of April.

So while I wasn't listening to Teenage Dream I found some time to go to the movies and peep that Easy A joint. You guys...this movie is so good. If you know anything about me then, outside of the fact I despise fat people, you know I love Lindsay Lohan more than anyone or anything in this world. Except for maybe Carly from Kicking Daisies...

Such a babe you guys. Anyway so outside of Lindsay and Carly (<3333333) I think I'm beginning to love Emma Stone on that same level. I did have a problem with the movie though. I mean really? PAYING girls to SAY that they hooked up with you?! HA! They'll actually DO the shit for FREE! YA GET THA JOKE?!

Girls are sluts.

Finally, in an attempt to be as trite as all the other posts on this site I leave you with a regret that I have in liking this band. They have the worst name and they all look stupid and I bet if they were on Solidstate foolofgold would have all their b-sides and posters and live DVDs but they are djent all day so despite the fact I'd probably give every member of the band the diamond cutter if I ever met them, I think it rules. So here it is:

P.S. - Be sure to checkout my advice blog - http://SurroundedByFaggots.Blogspot.com

Rainbro at tha Movies: Scott Pilgrim

2010-09-01T14:03:00.001-07:00

Before I get into tha impending vampire apocalypse, it’s important I let you know about a couple of things that have been currently ruling my life.

First and foremost, I mentioned it last time, Scott [fucking] Pilgrim vs. tha [fucking] World. This movie is perfect. It really has everything. I mean let’s go from a straight lusty standpoint: teenage Asian girl, .

teenage Asian boys,

that girl from Parks & Recreation,

a ginger drummer,

Anna Kendrick,

the girl that plays Ramona,

who kinda looks like this girl Alex Williams I knew,

and AND teenage Asian boys.

I went to see this movie a 2nd time with earplugs in so tha dialogue wouldn’t get in tha way of my masturbating! (LOL! J/k. I didn’t wear earplugs).

As if all those seductive children weren’t enough, this movie is pretty hilarious and not just because of tha vegan jokes. I mean tha fact Michael Cera is supposed to be playing a ladies man is funny in its own right. Overall it’s a cool movie with a unique way to present its story without taking itself too seriously but serious enough to keep you interested.

QWERTY or Die

2010-08-10T17:13:00.001-07:00

Fonez!

They're apart of our lives. In fact, they're part of my very well-being and income. Not because I work for a phone company or service provider...but because it's how I communicate to my clients when slangin' 8-Balls to 8 yr olds. But the war on drugs is for another post (because that's obviously what foolofgold has to take to be able to not only LISTEN to Carnifex but think they're good. He probably likes Oceano). What we're here to discuss is the waaaaaave of new handsets that are currently running our lives. If your Sidekick recently broke, I unfortunately don't have a spare one for you to use but I DO have a spare calendar for you to check that it's 2010 and other phones have a fucking keyboard. If your phone does NOT have a keyboard, I have a spare candyphone because that's about as useful as your shit is to me.

Now I know the iPhone 4G just dropped and to quite a bit of fanfare. Fanfare is what they call it when people make fun of something because it can't work when it's not held a certain way right? The iPhone I understand is cool. I'm not naive to it. What I didn't understand however was the iPad. It's a big phone? It's a small computer? But now I get it. Sometimes the iPhone isn't big enough to do the big line of coke that white teenage girls need. The iPad allows that stream to at least double to the point you are so high you think Twilight is a good movie. Which also explains the success of Twilight! I should be a detective. I'm in the wrong business. Just kidding! I bet detective work doesn't pay as much as these schoolyard kids do with their parent's money for blow.

I think Sprint has a phone but I haven't acknowledged their existence since Murphy Brown stopped being their spokesperson. Android has been taking over. The Nexus (or you're against us) One, the Droid, and variations of it have all slowly been replacing what used to be dominant forces in the cell phone game like Palm and Samsung.

Also, Androids have always been cool. Look at Terminator, okay? Cool. Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Also cool. Fourth Kind the movie was pretty cool. I believe it all as fact because Milla at the beginning tells me it is and I believe everything she tells me. Not like that hussy Zoey in 500 Days of Summer. I'm really distracting from the main point. The point is this:

This shit is out August 13th! Ramona is such a bitch but she's obviously crazy and probably has a drinking problem so she is one eating disorder away from all the girls I date.

The Pros and Cons of Butterface Season

2010-07-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Summer time! You know what that means – music festivals. Wanna see 100 bands in the same day at least 20 ft away from a stage with 8000 of your closest friends? Good news, bro! It's not cold outside so it's acceptable. Now throughout the years many fests have come and gone: Lollapalooza, Lilith Fair, Ozzfest, American Idol just to name a few. But throughout all the Dave Navarro solo albums, Sarah McLaughlan liberation commercials, and Paula Abdul replacements one tour has stood the test of time – Warped Tour! That's right kids. It's that annual event you talk shit about riiiiiiight up until the morning of when you're purchasing your ticket. Now throughout the years the format and style of the event and bands performing has changed but one thing remains constant:...it...um...exists. So I ventured out this past week to the Charlotte, NC Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to see what this year brought us.

Now really more important than the bands are the people that attend this show. It's full of all sorts of contradicting lifestyles and tastes from neon “Free Hug Shirts” to black-and-white “Fuck Your Free Hugs” shirts yet these people are able to co-exist through the mutual love of music and of course the shared attribute of being fucking stupid. The show is dominated by boys and girls between the ages of 15 and 22...I know. Delicious! But more importantly lucrative! That's why Four Year Strong who couldn't get 20 people to watch them two years ago can now charge $40 for a basketball jersey and bank the fuck out. And I don't blame 'em. jersey and bank the fuck out. And I don't blame 'em.

So back to the music. Very few Warped Tour mainstays this year which is good and bad. I mean do I really need to see the Vandals again? Nope. But the constant presence of Reel Big Fish is always welcome and really one of the highlights of the day. One thing I will always give Warped propers for is the diversity of bands. Sure some types of music are more dominant than others but there's certainly something here for everyone. Now with so many bands playing and many at the same time I wasn't able to see everyone that played, including my least favorite band Emmure which of course is devastating because their vocalist's pseudo-thuggerisms makes Miley Cyrus look like Tupac Shakur and I'm sad that I missed the opportunity for so many jokes. But alas here are the acts I was able to catch or at least take notice of.

VersaEmerge – I saw these guys last year and wasn't really impressed with the music as I was with how attractive the band is, even the vocalist. They recently dropped a new album (DROPPED IT!) called “Fixed at Zero” and their set was predominantly selected from said album. I really enjoyed these new songs and despite being a fairly mellow band they really keep the energy going.

Set Your Goals – probably the worst performance I saw all day. I guess these guys are pretty popular and are resting on the fact everyone knew their songs but they looked really uninterested in playing almost as much as I must have in watching them. Huge crowd and a huge letdown.

Pretty Reckless – Taylor Momsen, the love of my very life's band. I think they played some music. Who cares. I love you Taylor! Never turn 18.

Every Time I Die - What're ya stupid? Of course they were good. It almost seems redundant to talk about it so I'm not gonna.

Sum 41 – Reuniting without the ethnic looking dude for a new tour and a new album. I know you know every word to Fat Lip and so did the entire crowd. These guys coulda played their own show here and probably sold it out. They played all the hits and made each of them 7 minute epics with breakdowns of competitions of the audience of who was louder. But the real winner is America. them 7 minute epics with breakdowns of competitions of the audience of who was louder. But the real winner is America. who was louder. But the real winner is America.

Now I saw plenty of other bands but I have too much pride to tell you how much I enjoyed Bring Me the Horizon and absolutely HATED Of Mice and Men but the real point here is...Warped Tour is still going and probably not going anywhere anytime soon. No matter how bad the lineup is (which gets worse every year) it's hard to not have fun and with the affordable fee of $30ish dollars (or free if you're girlfriend is a cocktease to some South Florida band) it really isn't that bad of thing. So until Family Values comes back remember it could be worse...

It could be Ozzfest.

05-10-10: Home Improvement

2010-07-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

I was watching Iron Man 2 the other night and I mean...I wasn't disappointed. As not a HUGE fan of the first movie I would say I was pleasantly surprised at the sequel. The main downside I would say coming from the lack of Terrence Howard as Rhodey and the presence of whatever the name of that unlce tom they got to play him for this movie. Don't get me wrong, Cheadle is a great actor and I liked Crash as much as the next guy, but...can I be real for a minute? Like..REAL? Rhodey was a ni- uh...he was very urban. Terrence Howard is a real thug. A straight goon. Dude was in Hustle & Flow okay? You think Cheadle is willing and able to whoop that trick if he needs to? Fuck no. But I'm digressing from my main point: At the end of the movie we see the not-so-surprising sneak peak at a hammer presumed to be Thor's. ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME MAN?! Did you see that Bob the Builder looking hammer?! Sorry motherfucker, but the son of Odin doesn't shop at fucking Lowes. If Thor isn't just two hours of people getting bludgeoned I'm gonna be pissed. I'd have to assume because of the set up of"we found it" It's going to be a "human deemed worthy" of weilding the hammer of the gods and not a couple thousand year old god of thunder who needs to smash Loki for his overall mischeifity. But actually upon further research it will in fact be the Greek son of Odin sent to Earth to get his mind right. Don't fuck this up Marvel. I know you want to but don't do it!

I don't listen to vinyl because I own an iPOD.

2010-02-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion you can't back into a parking space and not be an asshole. Like...there's never an actual need to back into a space. I can't imagine the mental dialogue.

"It could take up to 4 minutes in this Starbucks and I don't wanna be late for the Early Bird special at the japanese steakhouse (I use chopsticks. It makes me feel so ethnic! But still superior) so I'm going to put this Prius in reverse so I can get the fuck out asap after this double soy sugar free vanilla cappucino! No foam please. What do you mean that's what makes a cappucino? Listen buddy I've been drinking coffee from gas stations for years, I think I know what a cappucino is. This is a really long mental dialogue I'm having. I wonder if I TiVo'd Idol. I really do miss Paula. I hope she's okay. OHHHH but that Simon!"

The Olympics are on which means...yes. Fewer latenight musical guests and therefore less Lady Gaga and Ke$ha appearences. I for one can't live like this. Cool Runnings was a sweet movie but I'm not trinna watch Curling, mainly because I don't think if it's a sport if a broom is involved. A broom?! It better be an all women's team!...I'm just kidding. Women can't play sports. But what chaos will return when the Olympics are over? I mean you wanna talk about signs of the apocalypse? How about this: Conan being fired from the Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon still being allowed to be on TV! There's your four horsemen and locusts and shit right there! I wonder if Carson ever gets bummed he's not even CONSIDERED for the promotion to Late Night...but yet Jimmy Fallon still has a show. That's probably why he paints his nails.

I haven't been to the movies in a really long time. I feel like that's all I used to talk about is movies but I guess Lindsay Lohan has been sidelined a little and Marvel heroes are taking their time with sequels so I guess I can just rewatch all the old Batmans. Batman & Robin always gets a lot of shit which I think is fucked up because...Uma Thurman is in it. You don't diss Uma! Are you kidding me?! Also how can you NOT appreciate those witty ice references from the governor of California such as "stay cool", "cold shoulder", "revenge is a dish best served cold", and "we aim to freeze". GET IT?! We aim to FREEZE! Instead of we aim to please! It's a pun. You know like a play on words? I'll explain it later. Anyway, with all its awesome faults, B&R's worst crime has gotta be...

Alicia Silverstone. What the FUCK! A fat batgirl? Thanks alot. In a hollywood blockbuster with (at the time) huge names like Chris O'Donnell [Party of Five - Lacey Chabert - Mean Girls. I have to support him] and George Clooney you couldn't get a good looking Batgirl?

"Silverstone was the first and only choice for the role."

BY WHO?! Who made this choice? Probably Jimmy Fallon.

Christina Ricci couldn't bleach her hair for the Batgirl role but she could do Black Snake Moan?! Tori Spelling couldn't get her dad to buy it for her? #ThisIsNotRealLife

But those were the days. Wholesome, character enriching movies like Batman & Robin and Sandlot and Free Willy. I was told today that Shamu killed his trainer today and the world is in shock. Shamu as you may know is the killer whale from Free Willy. What's that? What kind of whale? Oh a killer whale. It came as a surprise to all of us that he killed somebody. Shamu. The killer whale.

I did of course love Alicia Silverstone when she was skinnee and in Clueless with the fallen angel Brittany Murphy. Oh Brittany. I was so sad the day she died. Brittany Murphy was more than just an amazing actress and a loving person...

she was a total hottie who made me wanna drill Dr. Pepper can sized holes in my wall. Now yes she was in Clueless and 8 Mile and sure, I had to toss a couple pairs of perfectly good Lee Pipes out because of those movies but Miss Murphy had other roles that were much more important and impactful on my life that are often overlooked:

1. The Torkelsons - the first time I UNDERSTOOD what a boner was. But alas, I knew not what to do with it.

2. King of the Hill - the first time I wanted to fuck a cartoon character. (But it wouldnt't be the last. I wouldn't see "Cool World" til years later though.)

3. and finally Spun - the first time I wanted to fuck a drug addict. I wouldn't ACTUALLY fuck a drug addict until late 2008. But this is where the dream was born.

So join me as I mourn a true influence on my life and remember...the Bosstones were in Clueless too.

Greatest Hits

2009-09-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

I just saw these hearing aids that are disguised as Bluetooths. They're designed to look like Bluetooth headsets for people who are too embarassed to wear legit hearing aids. So...they're not okay with you knowing they're deaf but they're more than alright with you thinking that they're a douchebag. Oh, if you wear a Bluetooth? You're a douchebag. Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH! NO!...you're a douchebag.

I went to enjoy a delicious wrap at my favorite local wrappery. Getting down with some wrapparations (see what I did there?). And I ordered it with no tomatoes. The bitch taking my order goes "Oh don't worry sir. I know what you're worried about and I assure you our tomatoes are salmonella free and are fine for you." Um...no bitch. They're not fine. You know why? Cause...they're still tomatoes! Tomatoes are fucking gross! Hey. Go in the back. Check the tomatoes and see if they're still tomatoes. If they are? Keep 'em the fuck off my shit!

I don't understand the arrogance of Mac users. "Oh man I can't believe I ever owned a PC! Macs are so much better." You're an idiot. Put Shinedown or whatever raperock your're gettin' down with on pause and listen to me: its the same shit. Except Apple isn't smart enough to add the right click button on the mouse. "Virus Software? Ha! I do not need such things. I have a MAC." Correct. Cause what fucking hacker is going to waste their time writing a virus to wipe out your photo gallery of your trip to Brussels or your home DJ software. They'd rather hit the 90 Bajillion (factual statistic) PC users who store credit cards and shit on their desktop.

If you saw 9, and you know that Twilight is the worst movie ever made, tell me what you thought about it. I haven't seen it yet but I'm a sucker for Jennifer Connely ever since she wanted to kill that baby in Labyrinth.

Ffyfb,

- RR

If you're still alive, then you're not a Suicide Girl.

2009-08-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not actually smart, I'm imaginary smart". These are likely the same people who don't know that Alaska is part of the United States or that Hannah Monatana and Miley Cyrus aren't really the same person. (what? yes they a-) These people also say they aren't "tech savvy" when you get annoyed that they don't know how to text message. I'm not asking you to re-image the harddrive chief, just press the "2" button until you get to the desired letter and move on. They also post bulletins and shit that say "Don't open a video from 'such and such' because it has a VIRUS!" This amuses me. It should read: "Hey! I'm incapable of basic security and I just royally fucked my computer. Does anyone have a zip file with Twilight and Jack Johnson on it?"

And finally people who wear deep V t-shirts are fucking faggots. And I don't mean 'faggot' like they idolize Cher and fuck each other's boyfriends. I mean faggot like they have Twitter conversations and talk about bike (like BICYLCLE not Biker Mice From Mars bikes) races. And don't get all Wanda Sykes on me and act offended. First of all, Wanda sikes used to fuck dudes because her name used to be Wanda Sykes-Hall. And ya know what? she was funnier then too. I don't care how many actual 'gays' you know. Fact of the matter is, I just hate flat brim, purple Nike mismatched with neon yellow and electric blue sweater, skinnee jeans wearing douche bags. And I like the word 'faggot'! SOOOO:

Fuck you. Fuck your friend's band. Fuck your shitty parents. I will punch you to death.

The Death of Shark Week

2009-08-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

I think it's funny that I work with really shitty people. Like...the kind of people I would fight or kill in real life. But I'm pleasant to these faggots for the sake of a nice work environment. Thanks HR! But sometimes they aren't pleasant to each other, or even better - the ones they love don't have the same rules I do. This is the story of such an event. So basically...there's this scumbag monkey looking motherfucker named... well we'll call him Bubbles. I would call him Trixie Kong or Curious George or Flava Flav but I didn't hate those monkeys and I surely hated King Kai's fucking primate Bubbles. So Bubbles sucks and he's married to this FLY bitch. She's latin and probably listens to Shakira but the Spanish versions and she orders her fajitas with the corn tortillas and says vato and gringo alot. Then there's also this disgusting fat fuck named... we'll call her Fat Sweaty Betty. She thinks she's hot but her face looks like its melting. And she's fat. Hence "fat fuck." FSB is also, somehow, married. So Bubbles and Betty. They're fuckin' right. And Bubbles' fly as FUCK wife finds "I love you emails" from FSB to Super Scrub...

and fucking stabs him in the spleen!

Knife. Spleen. Connection. Bam. I think I'm in love. So Bubba comes into work...and I can't stop laughing at this dude. Or making spleen references. Spleen you doing today? How's it spleening out there? I need a new spleensaver. Like yo you got stabbed in the spleen after fucking a fat bitch, you might wanna relocate cause errrbody knows yr bizness. Sidenote: Bubbles' wife's facebook status? "Betty, I'm going to kill you."

EPIC. STOKED.

So what I'm really trying to say is...date a Latin girl. Cause she's down to take blades to a motherfucker if neccessary. And I find that very attractive.

Bluffin' with My Muffin

2009-07-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

Maidens and sirs, it's June and you know what that means - SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS. Now I see movies all the time because the sweatshop I manage is right next to a movie theater and after 11 or so hours of hearing those damn 5th graders makes noises which I interpret as complaining in a language of the orient, I need something to take my mind off of how worth it the Nokias and Nikes they make is. But rarely do I actually get excited about movies until the recent incorporation of 3D in animated films. THREE D!!!! Now I actually don't know what 3-D stands for or how many D's my normal features are in but I'd bet my lucky World of Coca-Cola penny that it's less than 3 of 'em. Not only am I getting more D's, you also get new sunglasses with the purchase of every ticket! Now supposedly you're supposed to give these glasses back that you just paid an extra $4 for but Global Warming is a real threat, and if I won't fight the UV rays who will!! (what the fuck is he talking ab-) So of COURSE I was overjoyed not long ago when I saw the best movie of MMH8 entitled: Bolt in 3-D to see the preview for Disney/Pixar's latest release UP!

UP! is without question, an amazing movie. But there's something you should know about it: It's the saddest fucking movie ever made. And don't even try and say "well then clearly you didn't see the Notebook." The Notebook is only sad in its closing moments. UP! is sad the entire fucking time and what's worse, is its like almost hidden! You're tricked by the big ol' Bird (as I oft am) and the talking dogs that you forget, oh holy shit this is the most emotionally intense 90 minutes of my theatrical life. Another movie I saw recently that blew my fragile mind, was TRANSthefuckFORMERS 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Before seeing it I was told by many people that it sucked but my hopes would not be dashed. So I go and see it at the Hippodrome which is what the independently owned IMAX theater here has been renamed, which I'm all for. I mean I'm down with Hippos. Hungry Hungry Hippos, Flavio and Marita from Animaniacs, Gloria on Madagascar, I've kicked it with a hippo or two. So in short, the movie is amazing, despite Megan Fox's terrible tattoos and the fact that it makes me wanna be speared by Megatron when I think that Shia LeBeouf dated Rhianna. It's so so so good and so I go to question these people that said otherwise to inquire if we even saw the same fucking movie. They tell me "man i didn't like it...it was all about the robots and them fighting."

...

THE MOVIE IS CALLED TRANSFUCKIGNFORMERS! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!

Tis not entitled "Sam Witwicky." It's supposed to be about robots and fighting and death that doesn't make sense 'cause they're machines and how do they love? At least they hate. I can respect that.

Soused

2009-05-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

THREE MONTHS?! What the fuck could I have possibly been doing for 3 months? Well truth be told, I was caught up in an intense tournament of Celebrity Connect Four. Connect Four should not fool you by its simple concept and clear segregation of native american and people without high school diplomas: It's a thinking man's game. Now that doesn't mean you have to be a genius to play it. I've seen grandmothers who try to use TV remotes to make long distance phone calls cut some ass in Connect Four. It just is all strategy. It's like Survivor but gay people aren't allowed to win. And before you get mad, it's okay. I can say shit like that because both of my dads are gay.

Man I am THIRSTY! It's a good thing you don't have to talk to type. If I was a crippled, on top of not being human, I'd be real bummed out that I'd have to speak everything I wanna type 'cause my pallette couldn't handle it. I typically don't like drinking soda but something about the Taco Bell exclusive!!!!! Mt. Dew Baja Blast I feel an exception for. I like Taco Bell a lot, I just wish...I wish no one worked there. Not because I have poor customer service experiences with my local burrito artists [TM] but because you always meet motherfuckers from Taco Bell. And what do they always wanna tell you right after you ask for free cinnamon twists? "Oh you shouldn't eat there. Don't eat the ground beef." They always tell you that you're about to die but never why! You'll be like well what's in the ground bee- "DON'T EAT IT MAN. TRUST YA NIGGA ON THIS SHIT."

I don't even eat meat and I still need to know what the fuck is going on with the ground beef. I need to know what's in that, and what the fuck is in nyquil. Nyquil is the only sleep inducing substance that you're not supposed to have anything else with. Why? BECAUSE IT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! You never read "Do not take alcohol with Ubisom." But there's like a red skull and crossbones with an online link to fill out your will on a Nyquil bottle. Which by the way, if you're working on your will, please bequeeth me something. I would like to be told I'm being bequeethed and not in the middle of Reno, Nevada at a place called the Pink Pony writing a check for $453.00. Post-dated.

Jammin' Jambalaya!

2009-02-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

Since I can remember I've been allergic to peanut products. I've never had a peanut butter cracker, never bit into a Butterfinger candy bar despite Bart Simpson's constant peer pressure, and I've absolutely never ever ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were to, then my throat would quickly close in a matter of minutes preventing me from one of my least favorite habits: breathing. And apparently, this is a vital part of the living process. But that somehow still doesn't stop dumb white [redundant] people from asking me if I ever crave it. When you're fatally allergic to shit like that...you don't crave it. Peanuts smell like death to me. That's like me asking you "yo, I know you've never eaten out of a portapotty before but do you ever just like CRAVE that?! OH MAN! You don't know what you're missing!" Unless you're a downtown longboarder because I see you faggots eat shit everyday. Sometimes into parked cars but unfortunately, never into each other. Either that or they'll just go on and on about how fucking good PB is and how much it must suck to me because I can't eat it. Well first of all...I CAN eat it! My life my rules! I can do whatever the fuck I want! But I DO NOT eat it. And deucely, JOKE'S ON YOU NOW WHITE PEOPLE! I saw the Congressional testimony! Y'all niggas is FUUUUCKED! You're gonna be chockful of salmonella with typhoid fever and blood comin' out yr ass. I used to think salmonellla was something that made my crotch itch after dating Katlin Reeder back in high school but turns out it's some sort of bacteria found in AIDS victims who went and fucked everything up for the rest of us...wait no...not us. JUST YOU! You pad thai eating fuckers!

I guess there's lots of things I don't eat between being anti-fruit (the smell bad so I assume they taste bad too. I judge.) and vegan. One thing I really hate is other vegans...well other vegans. BUT MORE SPECIF, vegans who refer to all their food with the word "vegan" before it. If you say yo Ima go have some macaroni and cheese, and your hemp bracelet says "Vegan Girls Swallow More :-)" then I will assume that your meal will be vegan. You don't need to tell me "hey I'm going to go eat some vegan macarovegani and vegan cheese vegan. Did I mention I'm vegan? And fucking strict too. I don't eat honey and wear a nuva ring. They're made with gelatin ya know? I know. I mean I know everything about it in both of the months I've made this life decision I'll change my mind about next month when my girlfriends aren't doing it anymore."

None of the dudes on Top Chef would tolerate that kind of bullshit. Except for maybe Carla. Which is why I assume in 5 days on the finale she'll be the main course and possibly the secret ingredient on Iron Chef America. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY! FIGHT ME.

Shadaloozer

2009-02-16T20:41:00.001-08:00

Gossip Girl what the FUCK! A five week hiatus?! I can't deal with it. I need more Jenny Humprey in my life than once every month and a half. I mean yeah she's what like 14? But I guess I can like older girls this one time. I'm convinced her and Dan's father IS Gossip Girl. 'Cause this motherfucker is NEVER at work. So he has plenty of time to just sit at home and blog it up about bullshit. I mean what a loser right?! Who has time to just sit and rant about...oh...so anyway I'd like to take this time to address some things I'm excited about this year in music and movies. Now what does that really mean to someone whose favorite album of 2007 was Avril Lavigne and favorite movie of MMH8 was Bolt? Well the answer has two parts: 1. everything; 2. Don't fucking sass me or I swear to God I will make you my Rihanna whilst I hum the chorus to "No Air." That's a two-fold punishment. You probably thought I was gonna say hum "Breakin' Dishes" but that would be too obvious. (huh?)

First and foremost: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why is this number one? Welllllllll because it's the soonest. And I have the patience of a piece of shit who rides their bike on the sidewalk has with pedestrians. Yo if you ride your bike on the sidewalk, you're a pussy. Period. Actually if you ride a bike at all, you're a legit faggot anyway unless you're under the age of 13. However, if you're like pushing 30, waiting tables, and worried more about the tattoo sleeve you're gonna get than your rent payment or that your haircut looks like it's from the 1950's (and not the T-Birds, but the dudes who got beat up by them) then you probably need to just get that fixed gear on I-26 and close your eyes, but PLEASE not before refilling my sweet tea and would it be too much trouble for some more bread? We gotta get the recipe for bread. I wanna live in a world where you can just go to a grocery store and buy bread right there ready to eat! Now I know it's been like 15 years since the original Street Fighter and that they're pretty much disregarding that it happened and bypassing the two most popular characters for Chun-Li but godDAMNIT you have to start somewhere. Besides, you know she's gonna do the spinning bird kick. What more do you need? Ryu and Ken? Yeh probably but did I meantion spinning bird kick? I feel like I may have neglected to bring that up. And I don't know if you've heard...I was under the impression everyone had heard. I thought it'd be bigger news. Oh you HAVEN'T heard? Well the spinning bird...is the word. Or for our construction worker friends: La palabra esta el pajaro.

I'm sorry I take that back. That was a little racist and discriminatory. I know it takes all kinds to build a highway. But mi abuelita always told me that Mexicans are a lower form of life than us Venezuelans and if you're calling my nana a liar OH DO WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS!!!!! THAT WOMAN MADE ME CHILE RELLENO FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE! And there was some platanos too but I'd never eat it. I don't eat fruit. I never have eaten a fruit. They're wet for no reason! It weirds me out.

Well all this talk of you beefin' with Nana Cubillan and nauseating fruit has sidetracked me into a state of dry heaves and a strange craving for cheese stuffed peppers...so I'm gonna go fingerblast my throat like it was Taylor Momsen and I'll get back to you later.

It just so happens that you live in the ocean...CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB!

2009-02-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

That new Beyonce song is LEGIT! I dunno how a diva is the female version of a hustla because I'm pretty sure a hustla is a quad-gender term HOWEVERR....it still knocks in the trunk area. And that's normally where my focus is. You can ask any sea cow (manatee.) But that's not what I'm here to discuss. There are new episodes of the following shows tonight:

Gossip Girl

HEROES

and of course...HEROES. Because I'll DVR it and watch it again. Not to be confused with DMV. The DMV as we both know is where white people go to laugh about parking and tickets and ni-...errr others go to reference how many times they've had their license suspended and that they didn't know the gun was loaded or get hit for $180.00 fines cause maybe you didn't fucking WANT insurance that month! Ever think about that AIG?! I didn't think so. "Oh you didn't pay your premium so we cancelled you." Well FUCK you. I thought this was America where I had FREEDOM. Like the FREEDOM to drive uninsured as long as I didn't report any hit-and-runs in the Harris Teeter parking lot. That's the kind of motherfuckers we're dealing with at the DMV. Rod G from Illinois is probably there right now. They're totally trying him as a minority. No witnesses for this motherfucker. Ain't that just like fucking white people. I mean they record his personal convos and then are like yo he was selling the Senate seat. NO HE WAS NOOOT! He was just talking about it! Throwing out ideas. Some good like selecting a proper candidate who has the respectable credentials...and some bad. Like giving it to the highest bidder. Like when you're talking with your boys about how much you hate your job and you're like well...Dairy Queen is hiring and I DO love those cheesequake blizzards alot, I could try and work things out with my supervisor, ORRRR I could just kill the motherfucker! You weren't gonna kill them!...certainly not on a Monday. Heroes comes on that night and there's no way you're fucking that up.

PSA

2009-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

So I noticed that everyone has a blog now. Which makes sense, I've been a trend setter for years. 2004? ESP basses. 1997? Jnco Jeans. Now MM9 blogs. But you losers who start "blogs" and just tell me about what you had for lunch that day or the new CD you bought, you've had blogs for years. It was called a livejournal. Or for some of you who burnt nag champa in your room a deadjournal. And if you think that was any fucking different then you're more wrong than Ludacris was when he thought "Runaway Love" was a good song. It's okay, don't be ashamed. Just know that there's no difference...

So I was eating a Montystrami and Cheez sandwich the other day for lunch while listening to my new Lady Gaga CD and it hit me!...Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper was too good for people to understand and that's why it failed. I mean the idea of FRUIT in your Dr. Pepper might have been a little intimidating but Cherry is a fruit right? And that shit is in EV-ER-Y-THANG! (ev-er-y-thang?) EV-ER-Y-THANG! Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper, the fucking crazy ones are in Pepsi, and it used to be in 7Up but then that Red Dot got an ego. Thinkin he can carry the brand on his whistling sunglasses wearing shoulders and where is he now hmm? HMM?! Well I got news for you buddy, Red Dots don't have shoulders, so check yourself.

Alottalayers

2008-11-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

First lemme make it clear that I couldn't care less about who the president is. As long as neither have a platform that is gonna prevent Avril Lavigne from making albums or Degrassi from going off the air then it doesn't affect me. Why? Cause I'm a draft dodger. But after the election the other day I'm highly upset with the results...

Oh no not who won. I mean the resulting attitudes of the dumb white people I saw the day after. Now it's one thing to be bummed out that Obama won but to be SURPRISED? I mean of course the faggot state I live in went to McCain. But that's only because the residents of South Carolina are racist and live in 1870. But yo you were SURPRISED?! OH WORD?! Um... lemme ask you this.

Go to the mall recently? Did you walk by the airbrush station? Could you purchase a Palin Power t-shirt or a McCain Is Our Main visor? Nah son. But I fucking bet you could cop an Obey Obama tall-tee all day long innit? Obama was a pop culture figure. Some people don't even know even today who McCain is. But you were surpised...

So anyway I was washing my Obey Obama shirt the other day (oops!) and I was throwing it in with my socks, which are ankle cut, never any higher unless they're thigh fucking high, and my red VzW stuff and my roommate starts freaking the fuck out. "You have to seperate your whites and colors!" And I said fuck that we're at war. They're all going in at once. I mean for all I know, this whole whites and reds seperation thing could just be a rumor I've been blindly following. And you can't base things on rumors. Like Red Bull gives you wings? The fuck it does. That never happened to me. And if anyone deserves wings it's me. They don't even hand em out on airplanes anymore cause some Suckit (a new noun I'm trying out) pricked himself with em. Basically there's this huge conspiracy to keep me from getting wings. I think that's what I'm really getting at here. And I won't stand for it. I'll fly for it though. (HA! See what I did there? Pretty treach. [prounounced "trech" like "treacherous."...it's an adjective I'm trying out.])

::sigh:: But alas... I can't fly. Instead of wings I got feet. And something you might not know about me? I fucking hate feet. But I only hate them because they're disgusting. And because I hate feet...I also hate dudes who wear flip-flops. Also you might have noticed that uh...it's fucking November. So unless your last name is "Of Nazareth" there's really no reason you should be still wearing flip-flops anyway.

I'd tell you more but I have to go watch Gossip Girl and drink Crunk!!! juice. Simultaneously. Nose closed.

Stay treach. (see?! This word is versatile.)

Palin

2008-09-08T03:11:00.000-07:00

I just heard and saw Palin for the first time last week. This is a direct quote from her speech, that she gave to America, as a vice-presidential (OF THE UFUCKINGNITED STATES) candidate: ::ahem:: "do you know the difference between a pitbull and a soccer mom? The lipstick."

No Palin, that's the difference between you and Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, that's where the fuck you belong - On the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Not in a position of power. You look like Tina Fey's fat transexual son! THIS BITCH SKINS ELK! Or caribou! Or something! FUCK!

Democratic women don't like Palin. I know you think that they do - false. What DO democratic women like? Abortion and Hilarry Clinton. And sometimes pussy. Although they might still be on the fence. See they were jello shootin' pretty hard at a party recently and that goddamn Katy Perry song came in and they couldn't help themselves and now they're shopping for pencil skirts. Anyway Palin doesn't like any of those things. Democratic women only listen to Hilarry! Hil could be like yo, all you bitches read all the Harry Potter books by this weekend and get a tattoo on your throat of Daffy Duck and those bitches would be doing Expecto Patronum spells talkin' bout "You're Despicable." So please don't think Palin is shit aight dawg?

I mean look at the bitch's family. There's the youngest daughter who's in her matching pink with pink on pink. Very girly. That's cute. Then there's the middle daughter. There's really nothing to say about her because she's the MIDDLE daughter meaning no one loves her anyway. She's hardly a person, but she's smiling which is good and hiding the track marks and that's important! Then there's the oldest daughter. She's named after a Bay. Because that's what you do when you're white - name your children after landmarks. I was excited to see her because I heard she was pregnant so I assumed she was gonna be hot enough that SOMEONE fucked her while she was still at pep rallies for the high school lacrosse team. Not the case. I mean you'd think they'd slide her $400 and get that shit taken care of before this campaign. Third trimester or not. If its not born yet, then its fixable.

Speaking of abortion, Urban Outfitters needs to step their game up. Where's my "I <3 Abortion" shirt? The back can say "Problem Solved" and come in 17 zany colors like electric yellow and tangelo. And then faggots can wear them with other clothes that have 7 or 8 colors on them and they'll think its macthing. Because not matching is the new macthing. Print em up.

Dial Tones All Day Long

2008-08-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have some stupid tattoos. And within the next few weeks I'll be getting some even more stupid ones. People always want to come up and talk about other people's tattoos. Yo I'm not a suicide girl. Don't come up and ask to see my shit. And don't call it by some hip name either "ey baby lemme see yr ink." Fuck you. I don't even use ink. I use high fructose corn syrup. Sure it gives me diabetes, but the hues I get out of it is so worth it. But in general I don't want to talk to you, much less about why I have the number 718 on my ribs or a flying zebra wrapping around me. What's even more annoying is older people like "why would you do that to your body?" or "what about when you're an old man?" or "who's gonna love you?" And I'm like...I dunno dad. I was thinkin you and mom? That was the idea.:-(I'm kidding don't feel bad for me. My parents are dead. Couldn't take too much of that bullshit...

I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."

In closing - Saturns are really great cars...

if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.

White-Knuckling Youth

2008-08-12T20:20:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I journeyed with to the worthless and uninteresting city of Norfolk (pronounced "nofuck") City located in the Virgin state. And after seeing the girls in VA I see why they're virgins. I understand the Nofuck phonics. Even the scumbag skinhead Navy dudes wouldn't fuck with that. So why did I go there? TWO. SKINNEE. MOTHERFUCKING J'S. (who?) Only the greatest live band of all time. Yes my favorite band decided to white-knuckle youth a little harder than usual and put their costumes on for 2 hours at the Norva. And sure, Eddie Eyeball is nearly bald and pushing 50, the man can still execute both notes of his bassline with fucking prowess.I spoke with Spesh, who I hadn't seen in like 5 years and he was saying that I was all grown up now. And he didn't need a calendar to make that judgement call, all he needed to see was my fucking Blackberry! Proving the point I've been making: blackberry = grownup. I'm sure your sidekick is fun to swivel all day long but it makes you look like a prick. And I've never met anyone with an iPhone...that I didn't hate. Oh and if you have a Blackberry Pearl...you don't have a Blackberry. QWERTY or die faggot. The Pearl is to the Blackberry what Josie and the Pussycats is to Letters to Cleo.

Josie and the Pussycats is a real sick movie though (R.I.P. Rachel Leigh Cook 1999-2001.) Although Rosario Dawson doesn't look too fly in it. Not like her flawlessness in Clerks 2. I can see it now... Me and Rosario talking about ass to mouth on the beach. Yo California beach, not Charleston. What the fuck is with the sand here? Its not even sand its like glitter. And not because it shimmers but because it never gets off you! Once you get sand on you here that is now a part of you. That's why whenever I get a job, I'm going to quit by throwing glitter in the face of my boss. The ultimate fuck you.

Beryl

2008-07-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just got a friend request from someone named "Beryl." I mean she obvi wasn't a real person (cause real recognize real) but it DID remind me of Queen Beryl....ya know...the villain from the first season of Sailor Moon? C'mon people. Anyway I just really miss when Sailor Moon was the only girl who could complicate my life, whether it be re-runs or maybe she was fucking up or maybe USA rescheduled her. I guess really more Sailor Saturn affected me because I had a crush on her but who can resist a petite dark haired girl with an accent and C-cup breasts and a PERFECTLY drawn ass right? Don't give me that "uh...dude that was a carto-" YOU SHUT IT! Anyway what was I saying?

It probably wasn't important. I've been pretty much living off of Ramen noodles lately. You might call it something different like "Cup of Noodles" or "Yakisoba" but it all means the same thing - you're poor. So recently I've noticed that they've been making ramen a little fancier. At Grocery Store X the other day I saw what was called "Choice Ramen." Instead of the normal $.09 cents a pack this shit was like $.40. So I sprung the extra cash and hit it up. IT IS DOUBLE PACKAGED! And the noodles are like yellower. And the seasoning packet is a crumble instead of a powder. Why did I tell you this. BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD. Leave ramen alone! If I wanted fancy food I'd eats something that didn't have 144 carbs per serving.

I've been watching Saved By the Bell a lot lately too (because sitting in a room eating ramen in SILENCE would be a little weird) and I've decided I really want to date a girl that works at the Max. Those bitches are always fly and they cut their shirts. Not to mention that Lisa Turtle was wearing purple and red jeans way before American Apparel was feeding them to you en masse. I'd persue Kelly Kapowski but when she became Valerie on 90210 I kind of lost interest. I heard recently that Jessie did porn? Ironic.

E.v.a. recorded a new song. It should be up in the next couple of days. It's about specific highlights in the career of Mandy Moore. ACTING career that is. No "Candy" or "Walk Me Home" here. Although I wouldn't mind a So Real II. I'm pretty down with sequels. For example - I'm psyched out of my mind about The Dark Knight. (Heath is lucky his death didn't push back the release date or I would have revived that motherfucker and guided his body through a fucking table saw and no bat signal or lance-wielding horseback knight in the world would be able to save him.)

Although chances are if you saw Hellboy II I don't care for you as a person.

Fierce Nipple Pierce

2008-07-03T21:21:00.001-07:00

I really want to go to a theme park. I've never been to Disney World before.
I know. Let that shock wear off. Whenever I tell anyone that I always have them say like "Omgggg WHAT! It's the best place ever! I go every year every June every hour on the hour! My family always lets me go and bring 23 of my friends and it's the best moments of my life! You should go!" Oh word? Can I go wi- "I meant with someone that isn't me." Oh..word...
I used to never wanna go to theme parks. But that's because I didn't ride rides. You all have that friend that is a fucking pussy about roller coasters. And they never tell you that shit til you're already at Carowinds standing in line for Batman: The Ride. Yeah that used to be me. But now that every day I wish I was dead, that fear of roller coasters has transformed into a win-win situation.

Ladysmith Black Mambazo, my black Jetta turbo is like ska - fucking dead. I've been riding around in my new friend, Killa Camry. That motherfucker is some '09 shit. Now I know you're thinkin to yourself and maybe even outloud "But ryan, it's two thousand eig-" STOP RIGHT THERE! 1. It's Two Thousand HATE; 2. I drive future shit. I'm on some not even out yet shit. Just because I live MMH8, doesn't mean I can't ride MM9. I'm pretty sure if I hit 88mph in this I can land in the parking lot of Twin Pines Mall.

Someone tell me why A*Teens is so fucking good. Is it cause their drums don't come at me with the POOF? Is it cause all their shit is floorfillers? Is it cause I wanna fuck the blonde one? Maybe even the girl. It could be their piano interludes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! But I know it's sick. On the same sickness as LFO and B*Witched. Approaching Michelle Branch pre-country revolution. What the fuck is that anyway Michelle? Oh you love country now? Fuck you, I love hooks.

E.v.a. recorded a song in a living room the other day which you can checkout at http://www.myspace.com/evaH8. It's also in my links which is to the...right? To the right of this txt. It's pretty ridiculous and very 1999. We'll be recording more songs actually this weekend that are considerably more intense and "serious" but equally as dated and nonsensical.

I family double dare any of you to fuck with me in Puzzle Fighter or Puzzle Kombat.

In closing, Steve Correll isn't funny, Emmure fucking sucks, and WALL-e is cinematic perfection.

Somothamuthafucka

2008-06-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dudes who are actually tough don't wear Tapout shirts. Only fucking pussies who shop at the mall feel the need to advertise their 'toughness.' I realize you watched UFC last weekend so you think you're gonna be a Brazilian jiu-jitsu pro but it aint happening. the same goes for those faggots with pictures of brass knuckles on their shit. Fuck you. You also eat bitch food, like Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts. What is NOT bitch food, is fucking Amy's frozen dinners and shit. Holy Gawd. Amy's is the only frozen food, and this is scientifically proven according to a survey I made up to prove this point, that you straight up CRAVE. No one wakes up at 3am and is like "dang (cause no one says 'dang' anyway) I sure could go for a lean cuisine right now" or "ughhh I'd kill for a Hungryman." NO! That shit does not take place! What DOES happen is like 8pm you're chillin' out watchin Scrubs re-runs, waiting for the Family Guy episode you've seen 13 times to come on TBS cause ohhhh that silly Peter Griffin! and all of the sudden you NEED a breakfast burrito so you go to Whole Foods and stuff as many as you can in your Bane hoodie you got in 8th grade...

Yo if you PAY for shit at Whole Foods...you make me sick. They have a no chase policy ergo I have a no pay policy.

Anyway, I digress. I went to this "Blue's Night" thing downtown last night and to my horror as I entered I saw 100% white people. I immediately left. Why? Because white people don't know shit about the blues! White people don't have shit to be sad about except maybe Princess Diana and the cancelling of M*A*S*H. I'd add Mother Theresa to that but white people forgot about her since Diana died like RIGHT after her and duhhh Theresa was ugly. The pretty people get remembered. Ugly people don't matter in any society.

Jewish People Driving German Cars

2008-05-12T02:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not Jewish. Not that I hate Jewish people, they just are kind of like Mexicans and liars - hellbound. My car, Ladysmith Blackmambazo, has decided to be a negro and not my nigga. This made me think of what kind of new car I'd like. Could someone please make an electric or hybrid car that does NOT look like a spaceship from Planet Queerazfuck? Sure it gets 50 miles to the gallon but it also looks like Rip Taylor's exercise bike. I'm thinking a Honda Civic hybrid. That should be able to get me going green and some roadhead. And she'll be all "no I have a boyfriend" and I'll be all like "it said 'it's complicated' on your facebook" and she'll be like "IT IS!"

Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.

I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?

Miss Rap Supreme Ep. 3

2008-04-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

What the FUCK Serch?! How you gonna tell my girl Lionezz to step off. Did you even hear Bree's rhyme? It was whack. She used the phrase "time of the month." Lionezz even was finally getting props from the other cast. She spits fire like Cinder doing an ember in Killer Instinct and this is an outrage! Serch you were wearing a postman outfit talkin about swagger! I swear to God in heaven I'm gonna cut your body in half with the edge of a nickel. I know it can be done, I saw it on CSI: New York. Not the original one, but New York. And a nickel doesn't even have very good ridges on the side, so that's gonna be quite a jagged incision. God I hate you Serch. And quit showin love to Nicky2States! I don't care how phat her ass is (lie), her voice is annoying and her shit is staccato (I took piano lessons, I know what staccato is)! On a sidenote though: Miss Cherry kilt it on the elimination. I was impressed. I couldn't understand most of what she said because of her lisp but the flow of it was hot so I was convinced it was right. Kinda like listening to M.I.A. or my Taco Bell order being read back to me.

Drop Trou

2008-04-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was watching Miss Rap Supreme the other night, supporting the fuck out of Chiba and Lionezz and getting a rage blackout about MC Serch...(this motherfucker decides what's cool? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER 3RD BASS?! This nigga is corny! He had a hightop fade. And on the episode I watched he had fucking slippers on! FUCK!)... I saw a commercial with YOUR friend (not mine) Chuck Norris talkin it up about the Total Gym. So Chuck endorses the Total Gym but...he also endorsed Mike Huckabee. So that tells me that the Total Gym probably isn't that reliable, has a poor tax cut program, and is homophobic. Kind of like my teachers in grade school...

Man grade school was sick. Sailor Moon, Deftones, and all the cargo shorts I could handle. When I was in school I kept track of when it started and ended by two days, which I was told were "holidays." School started around Labor Day and ended near Memorial Day. I thought that's what those days were for. Turns out Memorial Day is an actual holiday. Why though, would we have a holiday for people who suck at their job? Yo you were a soldier and didn't dodge that bullet. Now you're dead.. PROPS! Nah fuck that. You don't keep your Target discount when you get fired. We don't have a celebration for all the pregnant 15 yr old Puerto Ricans at McDonald's who couldn't handle the fryer. So why the fuck would we have Memorial Day? I guess white people need an excuse to eat a burger and a bratwurst in the same sitting to not feel guilty.

In entertainment news, Tina Fey's new movie is coming out. This is Tina's first movie since co-starring and writing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!...Mean Girls. That alone is reason enough for me to want to "Two Become One" her but in this movie...she can't get pregnant! Talk about a dream come true.

Trail Mix...

2008-04-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

3-17-MMH8

weirds me the fuck out. HAS to be invented by white people. Only white people would drop like $5 on a bag of nuts and shit. I mean the title alone "TRAIL MIX." Oh you mean this shit was on the ground and you were nice enough to pick it up and sell it to me? Oh why thank you. Fuck off and give me some fiery hot funyons. Not really. That sounds ironic doesn't it? FIERY HOT and FUN don't really seem like they'd be associated with each other. Or onions for that matter. Gross. Speaking of green beer what's up with St. Patrick's Day? I'm not really too clear on what Patty did. I assume he got really drunk a lot? All I know is the Irish people were like decimated by the lack of a potato. Pretty fucking picky. When I got to Sesame and they're out of fries I don't just starve. I select another option. It's filed under "sides" Irish people. Jesus Christ on the cross [I miss andrei.] But I guess people do need an excuse to listen to Flogging Molly because otherwise it IS completely unacceptable. No exceptions. Dropkick Murphy's are okay because they're tough as shit and because I stagedived off the HOB when I was like 12 during "Lights Out!" and for that brief moment in time that I was airborn I almost forgot how fucking terrible the Casualities were that night. But only almost.

Bradberry

2008-04-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I noticed on other blogs that they use lots of media like pictures and videos to give better insight as to what they're talking about. This has inspired me; I mean...not enough to actually take the time to do it but enough to think about it. Besides, what would I have pictures of? The Coal Chamber rarities collection I purchased? Mexicans? I don't think Mexicans can even be photographed. They're like vampires. Which might make for some pretty sweet shots. A stolen bike riding itself while cat calling to fat ugly (redundant) white girls could get me some awards. Not that I respect people that steal bikes - Steal a fucking car. What's worse is these hipster trash white kids who spend more of these stupid road and track bikes than most teens do on their first Camry. The only reason a grown ass man should be riding a bike is to deliver me my sesame tofu. And goddamnit I said no peas or onions. Why would peas even go with that?! No that does NOT mean no broccoli! Fuck why are your eyes so close together you worthless chi-...err...I enjoy my gook food. I mean my oriental cuisine. Or whatever.

After my last entry, I received a lot of messages asking me about veganism and why I decided to take that turn. Well the answer is simple: I fucking hate animals. I hate them. So much in fact, that I refuse to let them be in my life to the point of even eating them. Besides, why should they get to be the lucky ones to die? That's why I'm always jealous of my cell phone.

Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.

2008-04-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Now some of you may not know this, but I'm vegan. As fuck actually. That's the scientific genus phylum of my veganism: "as fuck." And basically what that means is, that I don't know what good food tastes like anymore. I have forgotten it's scumtrulescent flavors and delicacies and no longer enjoy Monster Thickburgers or jalapeno poppers. Nay. This takes an amazing discipline. Why you may ask? BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING EAT CHEESE! Have you ever not eaten cheese? No you haven't. I smell that Baby Bell cheese wheel in your pocket right now. So sometimes the subject of me being vegan will come up and ALWAYS some dumb bitch will say something like "oh you're vegan? I totally relate to your plight. I don't eat red meat." Oh really? CAUSE I DON'T EAT CHEESE! You're no martyr! Do you know what a grilled cheese taste like without cheese? It tasted like untoasted bread because I don't know how to preheat an oven and I'm not allowed to touch the toaster after a MINOR non-violent incident involving a pop-tart. I was cruising around (yeah, I "cruise" faggots. My car has a turbo engine and I own a Juvenile CD from 1999. We cruise ok?) near my house the other day with my adopted farther X-Wad and a cop pulls us over damn near in my driveway. He pulls us out of the car and starts searching it. I'm like ey pimpin, if I wanted some bacon (which I don't. It tastes good so I don't eat it) I'da gone to IHOP, what's the deal? He says he looking for heroin. X says "HEROIN?! This motherfucker over here doesn't even eat CHEESE!" Which is ANOTHER reason I hate white people.

You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."

No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.

So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"

...

I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.

Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?

No. They don't.

Mutilation is the most sincerestest form of flattery.

2008-04-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

03-31-MMH8

Some may not know this but my dawg not like my dog like my friend but like my friend my dawg, I don’t even like him enough to hate him. The first meaningful, non-racist, thing he ever said to me was "kill yourself." That meant a lot-- he was willing to consider the life I have, had and may have enough to make a judgment on what I should do with it. At first, I wasn’t concerned with his life enough to proactively discuss his fate; my accountant handled that kind of thing for me. I put my energy into finding new and creative ways to tell him how I might hate him if I liked him in the first place...

One fateful day at Juanita Greenburg’s my friend E. vom Matthew Mark Luke John Mary vom L. Esq. II choked on his vegan (synonymous with "I no longer know what good food tastes like") burrito. The rest of his swell friends expressed concern. I saw an opportunity! "Let it happen" I told him as his chokes became more frequent. "Don’t fight it, this is natural" I whispered as he turned purple. "Run to the tunnel-- you’ve completed your journey on this side" when he didn’t have enough air left to cough. He hadn’t been choking as much as he had been laughing.... I failed.

As time went on, I realized that wishing him death only served to contribute to his joke.... and what did that do for the joke (I’m pointing.)? I had to change my tactics. So I wished him a long life. I told him to breathe long, breath hard and breathe STRONG! Where before I might have recommended that he get in his car, drive head-on towards a similar car and let it happen.... I wished longevity. He told me he’d bought me an oxygen tank for my birthday. The next time he pissed me off, I assured him that he’d have a life vest by the end of the week. Tomorrow, I’m signing him up for full coverage health care.

Point being: Death is the easy way out. I pray for it daily. And the Lord answers prayer. Sometimes with a "no."

Also the Lord forgives!!!

I do not. MMH8.

Cops and queers.

2008-04-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

03-2H8-MMH8

This past weekend was Easter. The celebration of Jesus changing his mind. Earth must have been pretty fucking bangin’ back in B.C. because Jesus T.F. Christ died right? Got fucking nailed up and went to HEAVEN...and then he got there and was like I GOTTA GET BACK TO EARTH! He changed his mind about heaven. That’s pretty intense. What else is Rock of Love 2. I’m pretty sure we need to work out a contract where it’s totally legit for the girls to fight on there. And while we’re at it, they should all get a knife. First person to cut out someone else’s implant is the winner. Bret pees on all the losers, so really everyone wins. Especially America. It’s getting so close to Ms. Rap Supreme! I can barely contain myself. The 80 hours of work a week help me. However, that’s all about to change. I’m about to put my whiteface on and join corporate America. But this is how I can infiltrate niggerdom from the inside. Coogi sweaters and Gucci belt buckles while I use my PDA. Back in my day PDA got you suspended from 4th grade, now days it gets you email and the weather. I really wanna go to the zoo. I haven’t seen my boy Spot the Zebra in too long. I know he misses me. You know I’m the only person to ever domesticate the zebra? It’s true. Not only is it true, it’s amazing. And science.

Kat Von D

2008-04-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

02-15-MMH8

Bitch you are NOT cute. When I go to FYE to buy a calendar I wanna see Lindsay Lohan and Eliza Dushku and that girl from Enchanted and maybe that girl who works at Whole Foods. Usually aisle like 3 or 4. But NOT you. Your voice is deep as fuck, your mouth is weird looking when you talk, and the faggot you date is straight outta Foghat. I'm going to schedule my Wholly City tattoo appointment with you just to punch you in the throat. And I'll do it on TV. And then I'll get my own show called Judge Ryan Rainbro but there won't be a fucking courtroom. Just me flying around America delivering justice to Winona Ryder and Shia LeBouf. But that doesn't mean I won't neccessarily have a gavel to swing on people with.

Goodbye Africa. Hello High School.

2008-04-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

01-31-MMH8

So someone came in today talking about Hilarry Clinton being the next president of the united states. Yo women can't be leaders. Read a book. Bring back Alan Keyes. He was black enough for me. Obama reminds me of my uncle. My UNCLE TOM. And kids quit rocking for Darfur and shit. Invisible children? If I can't see them they aren't real, just like Jesus, Larisa Oleynik aka Alex Mack's n00dz, and the Voltron live action movie. As far as Darfur, they signed treaties months ago and besides, no good pop song ever came out of Darfur or its conflict. Since U Been Gone? Kelly's AMERICAN boyfriend. Floorfiller by A-Teens? Weak club bangers. Now there's a real crisis in the world. C'est La Vie by B*Witched? DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. But more importantly than any of that:...

P.S. - Jesus is totally real and he loves you. Deal with it.

Snow Job (Pairty Haird)

2008-04-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

12-11-08

As I emerged victorious in me and IV's snow fight by a curveball to his eyes, rendering him defeated and partially blind in his right cornea...I had a revelation. I realized: I hate snow. That's why I lived in Pomona and Charleston. We don't conceive of snow. And it was awesome making snow hatchetmen and [slide] tackle football in 4 ft. of it for the weekend but I'm glad I have the blustery 85 degree in December weather to return to. We went to this dope fucking vegan pizza place called the Pizza Plant. I got a calzone which they called a POD because (1.) they were payable on death and (2.) the word calzone is racist. Read a book. Also supposedly arcades are still cool in Buffalo. And I thought Charleston lived in the past. There was this grown ass woman with her arms full of tickets like she was trying to buy the 6ft. Hello Kitty stuffed animal and I waited for some little kid to accompany her but nope...ridin' solo. Pics of me and her hanging out coming soon. Round 2 we bus, trained, and walked down to downtown Buffalo which looks like every other downtown I've ever been to. Except 4 times as many bars. Which makes sense cause I'd probably need to be fucking wasted at all times if I lived in goddamn Buffalo, New York. Oh yeah and I think some band played too? I fell in love with this girl who drove us back to the hotel, IV got some cheesesteak Mark was raging about, and we hated on some bearded bitches. All in all a good time. I can say without a 5'o clock shadow of a doubt that...

My heart will always remember right now. I'm a faggot. Peace.

It's morphin(e) time!

2008-04-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

11-17-07

Friends today...I embark on a great journey. A greater journey than Fifel's to the new world or even his expansive trip west to Texas. Yes friends a journey even greater than the Power Rangers from Angel Grove to the planet Phaedos to obtain the Ninjetti powers to defeat Ivan Ooze.

I shall go in search of!!!!...

A new job.

Now I have some advantages that Fifel and the Rangers did not. For one I'm a fucking human being, not a mouse. Mice rarely get hired. Although I saw a movie recently where a rat cooked pretty well and I hear chef's make decent wages. For two, my hours are more flexible than Kimberly and Adam's because I don't have to take time off to save the world from Putties and such. So there are forces at work here in my favor. However I don't know if Best Buy or Earthfare would rather me have the ability to morph and I bet Fifel's knowledge of various cheeses could be advantageous at Earthfare. BUT I DON'T EAT CHEESE! That aint VAF. And quite frankly it's racist.

Also I will be going to Mei Thai. The trashiest smallest thai restraunt in all the greater Charleston area. So naturally...it's my favorite. Anywhere I can go and my entire conversation with the waitress goes no further than a 2 digit number, I'm down for.

And after all that I will return to the dangerous land of white people and coke habits, Mt. Pleasant, to "pass the cheer" and be your barista for the evening. I reccomend the Pepper White Mocha...

Well I don't really. But the sign next to my picture says I do. And I believe everything I read.