Palin

I just heard and saw Palin for the first time last week. This is a direct quote from her speech, that she gave to America, as a vice-presidential (OF THE UFUCKINGNITED STATES) candidate: ::ahem:: "do you know the difference between a pitbull and a soccer mom? The lipstick."

No Palin, that's the difference between you and Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, that's where the fuck you belong - On the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Not in a position of power. You look like Tina Fey's fat transexual son! THIS BITCH SKINS ELK! Or caribou! Or something! FUCK!

Democratic women don't like Palin. I know you think that they do - false. What DO democratic women like? Abortion and Hilarry Clinton. And sometimes pussy. Although they might still be on the fence. See they were jello shootin' pretty hard at a party recently and that goddamn Katy Perry song came in and they couldn't help themselves and now they're shopping for pencil skirts. Anyway Palin doesn't like any of those things. Democratic women only listen to Hilarry! Hil could be like yo, all you bitches read all the Harry Potter books by this weekend and get a tattoo on your throat of Daffy Duck and those bitches would be doing Expecto Patronum spells talkin' bout "You're Despicable." So please don't think Palin is shit aight dawg?

I mean look at the bitch's family. There's the youngest daughter who's in her matching pink with pink on pink. Very girly. That's cute. Then there's the middle daughter. There's really nothing to say about her because she's the MIDDLE daughter meaning no one loves her anyway. She's hardly a person, but she's smiling which is good and hiding the track marks and that's important! Then there's the oldest daughter. She's named after a Bay. Because that's what you do when you're white - name your children after landmarks. I was excited to see her because I heard she was pregnant so I assumed she was gonna be hot enough that SOMEONE fucked her while she was still at pep rallies for the high school lacrosse team. Not the case. I mean you'd think they'd slide her $400 and get that shit taken care of before this campaign. Third trimester or not. If its not born yet, then its fixable.

Speaking of abortion, Urban Outfitters needs to step their game up. Where's my "I <3 Abortion" shirt? The back can say "Problem Solved" and come in 17 zany colors like electric yellow and tangelo. And then faggots can wear them with other clothes that have 7 or 8 colors on them and they'll think its macthing. Because not matching is the new macthing. Print em up.

Dial Tones All Day Long

I have some stupid tattoos. And within the next few weeks I'll be getting some even more stupid ones. People always want to come up and talk about other people's tattoos. Yo I'm not a suicide girl. Don't come up and ask to see my shit. And don't call it by some hip name either "ey baby lemme see yr ink." Fuck you. I don't even use ink. I use high fructose corn syrup. Sure it gives me diabetes, but the hues I get out of it is so worth it. But in general I don't want to talk to you, much less about why I have the number 718 on my ribs or a flying zebra wrapping around me. What's even more annoying is older people like "why would you do that to your body?" or "what about when you're an old man?" or "who's gonna love you?" And I'm like...I dunno dad. I was thinkin you and mom? That was the idea.:-(I'm kidding don't feel bad for me. My parents are dead. Couldn't take too much of that bullshit...

I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."

In closing - Saturns are really great cars...







if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.

White-Knuckling Youth

Last weekend I journeyed with to the worthless and uninteresting city of Norfolk (pronounced "nofuck") City located in the Virgin state. And after seeing the girls in VA I see why they're virgins. I understand the Nofuck phonics. Even the scumbag skinhead Navy dudes wouldn't fuck with that. So why did I go there? TWO. SKINNEE. MOTHERFUCKING J'S. (who?) Only the greatest live band of all time. Yes my favorite band decided to white-knuckle youth a little harder than usual and put their costumes on for 2 hours at the Norva. And sure, Eddie Eyeball is nearly bald and pushing 50, the man can still execute both notes of his bassline with fucking prowess.I spoke with Spesh, who I hadn't seen in like 5 years and he was saying that I was all grown up now. And he didn't need a calendar to make that judgement call, all he needed to see was my fucking Blackberry! Proving the point I've been making: blackberry = grownup. I'm sure your sidekick is fun to swivel all day long but it makes you look like a prick. And I've never met anyone with an iPhone...that I didn't hate. Oh and if you have a Blackberry Pearl...you don't have a Blackberry. QWERTY or die faggot. The Pearl is to the Blackberry what Josie and the Pussycats is to Letters to Cleo.

Josie and the Pussycats is a real sick movie though (R.I.P. Rachel Leigh Cook 1999-2001.) Although Rosario Dawson doesn't look too fly in it. Not like her flawlessness in Clerks 2. I can see it now... Me and Rosario talking about ass to mouth on the beach. Yo California beach, not Charleston. What the fuck is with the sand here? Its not even sand its like glitter. And not because it shimmers but because it never gets off you! Once you get sand on you here that is now a part of you. That's why whenever I get a job, I'm going to quit by throwing glitter in the face of my boss. The ultimate fuck you.

Beryl

I just got a friend request from someone named "Beryl." I mean she obvi wasn't a real person (cause real recognize real) but it DID remind me of Queen Beryl....ya know...the villain from the first season of Sailor Moon? C'mon people. Anyway I just really miss when Sailor Moon was the only girl who could complicate my life, whether it be re-runs or maybe she was fucking up or maybe USA rescheduled her. I guess really more Sailor Saturn affected me because I had a crush on her but who can resist a petite dark haired girl with an accent and C-cup breasts and a PERFECTLY drawn ass right? Don't give me that "uh...dude that was a carto-" YOU SHUT IT! Anyway what was I saying?

It probably wasn't important. I've been pretty much living off of Ramen noodles lately. You might call it something different like "Cup of Noodles" or "Yakisoba" but it all means the same thing - you're poor. So recently I've noticed that they've been making ramen a little fancier. At Grocery Store X the other day I saw what was called "Choice Ramen." Instead of the normal $.09 cents a pack this shit was like $.40. So I sprung the extra cash and hit it up. IT IS DOUBLE PACKAGED! And the noodles are like yellower. And the seasoning packet is a crumble instead of a powder. Why did I tell you this. BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD. Leave ramen alone! If I wanted fancy food I'd eats something that didn't have 144 carbs per serving.

I've been watching Saved By the Bell a lot lately too (because sitting in a room eating ramen in SILENCE would be a little weird) and I've decided I really want to date a girl that works at the Max. Those bitches are always fly and they cut their shirts. Not to mention that Lisa Turtle was wearing purple and red jeans way before American Apparel was feeding them to you en masse. I'd persue Kelly Kapowski but when she became Valerie on 90210 I kind of lost interest. I heard recently that Jessie did porn? Ironic.

E.v.a. recorded a new song. It should be up in the next couple of days. It's about specific highlights in the career of Mandy Moore. ACTING career that is. No "Candy" or "Walk Me Home" here. Although I wouldn't mind a So Real II. I'm pretty down with sequels. For example - I'm psyched out of my mind about The Dark Knight. (Heath is lucky his death didn't push back the release date or I would have revived that motherfucker and guided his body through a fucking table saw and no bat signal or lance-wielding horseback knight in the world would be able to save him.)

Although chances are if you saw Hellboy II I don't care for you as a person.

Fierce Nipple Pierce

I really want to go to a theme park. I've never been to Disney World before.
I know. Let that shock wear off. Whenever I tell anyone that I always have them say like "Omgggg WHAT! It's the best place ever! I go every year every June every hour on the hour! My family always lets me go and bring 23 of my friends and it's the best moments of my life! You should go!" Oh word? Can I go wi- "I meant with someone that isn't me." Oh..word...
I used to never wanna go to theme parks. But that's because I didn't ride rides. You all have that friend that is a fucking pussy about roller coasters. And they never tell you that shit til you're already at Carowinds standing in line for Batman: The Ride. Yeah that used to be me. But now that every day I wish I was dead, that fear of roller coasters has transformed into a win-win situation.

Ladysmith Black Mambazo, my black Jetta turbo is like ska - fucking dead. I've been riding around in my new friend, Killa Camry. That motherfucker is some '09 shit. Now I know you're thinkin to yourself and maybe even outloud "But ryan, it's two thousand eig-" STOP RIGHT THERE! 1. It's Two Thousand HATE; 2. I drive future shit. I'm on some not even out yet shit. Just because I live MMH8, doesn't mean I can't ride MM9. I'm pretty sure if I hit 88mph in this I can land in the parking lot of Twin Pines Mall.

Someone tell me why A*Teens is so fucking good. Is it cause their drums don't come at me with the POOF? Is it cause all their shit is floorfillers? Is it cause I wanna fuck the blonde one? Maybe even the girl. It could be their piano interludes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! But I know it's sick. On the same sickness as LFO and B*Witched. Approaching Michelle Branch pre-country revolution. What the fuck is that anyway Michelle? Oh you love country now? Fuck you, I love hooks.

E.v.a. recorded a song in a living room the other day which you can checkout at http://www.myspace.com/evaH8. It's also in my links which is to the...right? To the right of this txt. It's pretty ridiculous and very 1999. We'll be recording more songs actually this weekend that are considerably more intense and "serious" but equally as dated and nonsensical.

I family double dare any of you to fuck with me in Puzzle Fighter or Puzzle Kombat.

In closing, Steve Correll isn't funny, Emmure fucking sucks, and WALL-e is cinematic perfection.

Somothamuthafucka

Dudes who are actually tough don't wear Tapout shirts. Only fucking pussies who shop at the mall feel the need to advertise their 'toughness.' I realize you watched UFC last weekend so you think you're gonna be a Brazilian jiu-jitsu pro but it aint happening. the same goes for those faggots with pictures of brass knuckles on their shit. Fuck you. You also eat bitch food, like Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts. What is NOT bitch food, is fucking Amy's frozen dinners and shit. Holy Gawd. Amy's is the only frozen food, and this is scientifically proven according to a survey I made up to prove this point, that you straight up CRAVE. No one wakes up at 3am and is like "dang (cause no one says 'dang' anyway) I sure could go for a lean cuisine right now" or "ughhh I'd kill for a Hungryman." NO! That shit does not take place! What DOES happen is like 8pm you're chillin' out watchin Scrubs re-runs, waiting for the Family Guy episode you've seen 13 times to come on TBS cause ohhhh that silly Peter Griffin! and all of the sudden you NEED a breakfast burrito so you go to Whole Foods and stuff as many as you can in your Bane hoodie you got in 8th grade...

Yo if you PAY for shit at Whole Foods...you make me sick. They have a no chase policy ergo I have a no pay policy.

Anyway, I digress. I went to this "Blue's Night" thing downtown last night and to my horror as I entered I saw 100% white people. I immediately left. Why? Because white people don't know shit about the blues! White people don't have shit to be sad about except maybe Princess Diana and the cancelling of M*A*S*H. I'd add Mother Theresa to that but white people forgot about her since Diana died like RIGHT after her and duhhh Theresa was ugly. The pretty people get remembered. Ugly people don't matter in any society.

Jewish People Driving German Cars

I'm not Jewish. Not that I hate Jewish people, they just are kind of like Mexicans and liars - hellbound. My car, Ladysmith Blackmambazo, has decided to be a negro and not my nigga. This made me think of what kind of new car I'd like. Could someone please make an electric or hybrid car that does NOT look like a spaceship from Planet Queerazfuck? Sure it gets 50 miles to the gallon but it also looks like Rip Taylor's exercise bike. I'm thinking a Honda Civic hybrid. That should be able to get me going green and some roadhead. And she'll be all "no I have a boyfriend" and I'll be all like "it said 'it's complicated' on your facebook" and she'll be like "IT IS!"

Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.

I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?