05-10-10: Home Improvement

I was watching Iron Man 2 the other night and I mean...I wasn't disappointed. As not a HUGE fan of the first movie I would say I was pleasantly surprised at the sequel. The main downside I would say coming from the lack of Terrence Howard as Rhodey and the presence of whatever the name of that unlce tom they got to play him for this movie. Don't get me wrong, Cheadle is a great actor and I liked Crash as much as the next guy, but...can I be real for a minute? Like..REAL? Rhodey was a ni- uh...he was very urban. Terrence Howard is a real thug. A straight goon. Dude was in Hustle & Flow okay? You think Cheadle is willing and able to whoop that trick if he needs to? Fuck no. But I'm digressing from my main point: At the end of the movie we see the not-so-surprising sneak peak at a hammer presumed to be Thor's. ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME MAN?! Did you see that Bob the Builder looking hammer?! Sorry motherfucker, but the son of Odin doesn't shop at fucking Lowes. If Thor isn't just two hours of people getting bludgeoned I'm gonna be pissed. I'd have to assume because of the set up of"we found it" It's going to be a "human deemed worthy" of weilding the hammer of the gods and not a couple thousand year old god of thunder who needs to smash Loki for his overall mischeifity. But actually upon further research it will in fact be the Greek son of Odin sent to Earth to get his mind right. Don't fuck this up Marvel. I know you want to but don't do it!

I don't listen to vinyl because I own an iPOD.

I've come to the conclusion you can't back into a parking space and not be an asshole. Like...there's never an actual need to back into a space. I can't imagine the mental dialogue.


"It could take up to 4 minutes in this Starbucks and I don't wanna be late for the Early Bird special at the japanese steakhouse (I use chopsticks. It makes me feel so ethnic! But still superior) so I'm going to put this Prius in reverse so I can get the fuck out asap after this double soy sugar free vanilla cappucino! No foam please. What do you mean that's what makes a cappucino? Listen buddy I've been drinking coffee from gas stations for years, I think I know what a cappucino is. This is a really long mental dialogue I'm having. I wonder if I TiVo'd Idol. I really do miss Paula. I hope she's okay. OHHHH but that Simon!"


The Olympics are on which means...yes. Fewer latenight musical guests and therefore less Lady Gaga and Ke$ha appearences. I for one can't live like this. Cool Runnings was a sweet movie but I'm not trinna watch Curling, mainly because I don't think if it's a sport if a broom is involved. A broom?! It better be an all women's team!...I'm just kidding. Women can't play sports. But what chaos will return when the Olympics are over? I mean you wanna talk about signs of the apocalypse? How about this: Conan being fired from the Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon still being allowed to be on TV! There's your four horsemen and locusts and shit right there! I wonder if Carson ever gets bummed he's not even CONSIDERED for the promotion to Late Night...but yet Jimmy Fallon still has a show. That's probably why he paints his nails.



I haven't been to the movies in a really long time. I feel like that's all I used to talk about is movies but I guess Lindsay Lohan has been sidelined a little and Marvel heroes are taking their time with sequels so I guess I can just rewatch all the old Batmans. Batman & Robin always gets a lot of shit which I think is fucked up because...Uma Thurman is in it. You don't diss Uma! Are you kidding me?! Also how can you NOT appreciate those witty ice references from the governor of California such as "stay cool", "cold shoulder", "revenge is a dish best served cold", and "we aim to freeze". GET IT?! We aim to FREEZE! Instead of we aim to please! It's a pun. You know like a play on words? I'll explain it later. Anyway, with all its awesome faults, B&R's worst crime has gotta be...



Alicia Silverstone. What the FUCK! A fat batgirl? Thanks alot. In a hollywood blockbuster with (at the time) huge names like Chris O'Donnell [Party of Five - Lacey Chabert - Mean Girls. I have to support him] and George Clooney you couldn't get a good looking Batgirl?


"Silverstone was the first and only choice for the role."


BY WHO?! Who made this choice? Probably Jimmy Fallon.


Christina Ricci couldn't bleach her hair for the Batgirl role but she could do Black Snake Moan?! Tori Spelling couldn't get her dad to buy it for her? #ThisIsNotRealLife


But those were the days. Wholesome, character enriching movies like Batman & Robin and Sandlot and Free Willy. I was told today that Shamu killed his trainer today and the world is in shock. Shamu as you may know is the killer whale from Free Willy. What's that? What kind of whale? Oh a killer whale. It came as a surprise to all of us that he killed somebody. Shamu. The killer whale.


I did of course love Alicia Silverstone when she was skinnee and in Clueless with the fallen angel Brittany Murphy. Oh Brittany. I was so sad the day she died. Brittany Murphy was more than just an amazing actress and a loving person...

she was a total hottie who made me wanna drill Dr. Pepper can sized holes in my wall. Now yes she was in Clueless and 8 Mile and sure, I had to toss a couple pairs of perfectly good Lee Pipes out because of those movies but Miss Murphy had other roles that were much more important and impactful on my life that are often overlooked:

1. The Torkelsons - the first time I UNDERSTOOD what a boner was. But alas, I knew not what to do with it.

2. King of the Hill - the first time I wanted to fuck a cartoon character. (But it wouldnt't be the last. I wouldn't see "Cool World" til years later though.)

3. and finally Spun - the first time I wanted to fuck a drug addict. I wouldn't ACTUALLY fuck a drug addict until late 2008. But this is where the dream was born.

So join me as I mourn a true influence on my life and remember...the Bosstones were in Clueless too.

Greatest Hits

I just saw these hearing aids that are disguised as Bluetooths. They're designed to look like Bluetooth headsets for people who are too embarassed to wear legit hearing aids. So...they're not okay with you knowing they're deaf but they're more than alright with you thinking that they're a douchebag. Oh, if you wear a Bluetooth? You're a douchebag. Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH! NO!...you're a douchebag.

I went to enjoy a delicious wrap at my favorite local wrappery. Getting down with some wrapparations (see what I did there?). And I ordered it with no tomatoes. The bitch taking my order goes "Oh don't worry sir. I know what you're worried about and I assure you our tomatoes are salmonella free and are fine for you." Um...no bitch. They're not fine. You know why? Cause...they're still tomatoes! Tomatoes are fucking gross! Hey. Go in the back. Check the tomatoes and see if they're still tomatoes. If they are? Keep 'em the fuck off my shit!


I don't understand the arrogance of Mac users. "Oh man I can't believe I ever owned a PC! Macs are so much better." You're an idiot. Put Shinedown or whatever raperock your're gettin' down with on pause and listen to me: its the same shit. Except Apple isn't smart enough to add the right click button on the mouse. "Virus Software? Ha! I do not need such things. I have a MAC." Correct. Cause what fucking hacker is going to waste their time writing a virus to wipe out your photo gallery of your trip to Brussels or your home DJ software. They'd rather hit the 90 Bajillion (factual statistic) PC users who store credit cards and shit on their desktop.

If you saw 9, and you know that Twilight is the worst movie ever made, tell me what you thought about it. I haven't seen it yet but I'm a sucker for Jennifer Connely ever since she wanted to kill that baby in Labyrinth.

Ffyfb,

- RR

If you're still alive, then you're not a Suicide Girl.

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not actually smart, I'm imaginary smart". These are likely the same people who don't know that Alaska is part of the United States or that Hannah Monatana and Miley Cyrus aren't really the same person. (what? yes they a-) These people also say they aren't "tech savvy" when you get annoyed that they don't know how to text message. I'm not asking you to re-image the harddrive chief, just press the "2" button until you get to the desired letter and move on. They also post bulletins and shit that say "Don't open a video from 'such and such' because it has a VIRUS!" This amuses me. It should read: "Hey! I'm incapable of basic security and I just royally fucked my computer. Does anyone have a zip file with Twilight and Jack Johnson on it?"

And finally people who wear deep V t-shirts are fucking faggots. And I don't mean 'faggot' like they idolize Cher and fuck each other's boyfriends. I mean faggot like they have Twitter conversations and talk about bike (like BICYLCLE not Biker Mice From Mars bikes) races. And don't get all Wanda Sykes on me and act offended. First of all, Wanda sikes used to fuck dudes because her name used to be Wanda Sykes-Hall. And ya know what? she was funnier then too. I don't care how many actual 'gays' you know. Fact of the matter is, I just hate flat brim, purple Nike mismatched with neon yellow and electric blue sweater, skinnee jeans wearing douche bags. And I like the word 'faggot'! SOOOO:

Fuck you. Fuck your friend's band. Fuck your shitty parents. I will punch you to death.

The Death of Shark Week

I think it's funny that I work with really shitty people. Like...the kind of people I would fight or kill in real life. But I'm pleasant to these faggots for the sake of a nice work environment. Thanks HR! But sometimes they aren't pleasant to each other, or even better - the ones they love don't have the same rules I do. This is the story of such an event. So basically...there's this scumbag monkey looking motherfucker named... well we'll call him Bubbles. I would call him Trixie Kong or Curious George or Flava Flav but I didn't hate those monkeys and I surely hated King Kai's fucking primate Bubbles. So Bubbles sucks and he's married to this FLY bitch. She's latin and probably listens to Shakira but the Spanish versions and she orders her fajitas with the corn tortillas and says vato and gringo alot. Then there's also this disgusting fat fuck named... we'll call her Fat Sweaty Betty. She thinks she's hot but her face looks like its melting. And she's fat. Hence "fat fuck." FSB is also, somehow, married. So Bubbles and Betty. They're fuckin' right. And Bubbles' fly as FUCK wife finds "I love you emails" from FSB to Super Scrub...


and fucking stabs him in the spleen!

Knife. Spleen. Connection. Bam. I think I'm in love. So Bubba comes into work...and I can't stop laughing at this dude. Or making spleen references. Spleen you doing today? How's it spleening out there? I need a new spleensaver. Like yo you got stabbed in the spleen after fucking a fat bitch, you might wanna relocate cause errrbody knows yr bizness. Sidenote: Bubbles' wife's facebook status? "Betty, I'm going to kill you."

EPIC. STOKED.

So what I'm really trying to say is...date a Latin girl. Cause she's down to take blades to a motherfucker if neccessary. And I find that very attractive.

Bluffin' with My Muffin

Maidens and sirs, it's June and you know what that means - SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS. Now I see movies all the time because the sweatshop I manage is right next to a movie theater and after 11 or so hours of hearing those damn 5th graders makes noises which I interpret as complaining in a language of the orient, I need something to take my mind off of how worth it the Nokias and Nikes they make is. But rarely do I actually get excited about movies until the recent incorporation of 3D in animated films. THREE D!!!! Now I actually don't know what 3-D stands for or how many D's my normal features are in but I'd bet my lucky World of Coca-Cola penny that it's less than 3 of 'em. Not only am I getting more D's, you also get new sunglasses with the purchase of every ticket! Now supposedly you're supposed to give these glasses back that you just paid an extra $4 for but Global Warming is a real threat, and if I won't fight the UV rays who will!! (what the fuck is he talking ab-) So of COURSE I was overjoyed not long ago when I saw the best movie of MMH8 entitled: Bolt in 3-D to see the preview for Disney/Pixar's latest release UP!

UP! is without question, an amazing movie. But there's something you should know about it: It's the saddest fucking movie ever made. And don't even try and say "well then clearly you didn't see the Notebook." The Notebook is only sad in its closing moments. UP! is sad the entire fucking time and what's worse, is its like almost hidden! You're tricked by the big ol' Bird (as I oft am) and the talking dogs that you forget, oh holy shit this is the most emotionally intense 90 minutes of my theatrical life. Another movie I saw recently that blew my fragile mind, was TRANSthefuckFORMERS 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Before seeing it I was told by many people that it sucked but my hopes would not be dashed. So I go and see it at the Hippodrome which is what the independently owned IMAX theater here has been renamed, which I'm all for. I mean I'm down with Hippos. Hungry Hungry Hippos, Flavio and Marita from Animaniacs, Gloria on Madagascar, I've kicked it with a hippo or two. So in short, the movie is amazing, despite Megan Fox's terrible tattoos and the fact that it makes me wanna be speared by Megatron when I think that Shia LeBeouf dated Rhianna. It's so so so good and so I go to question these people that said otherwise to inquire if we even saw the same fucking movie. They tell me "man i didn't like it...it was all about the robots and them fighting."

...

THE MOVIE IS CALLED TRANSFUCKIGNFORMERS! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!

Tis not entitled "Sam Witwicky." It's supposed to be about robots and fighting and death that doesn't make sense 'cause they're machines and how do they love? At least they hate. I can respect that.

Soused

THREE MONTHS?! What the fuck could I have possibly been doing for 3 months? Well truth be told, I was caught up in an intense tournament of Celebrity Connect Four. Connect Four should not fool you by its simple concept and clear segregation of native american and people without high school diplomas: It's a thinking man's game. Now that doesn't mean you have to be a genius to play it. I've seen grandmothers who try to use TV remotes to make long distance phone calls cut some ass in Connect Four. It just is all strategy. It's like Survivor but gay people aren't allowed to win. And before you get mad, it's okay. I can say shit like that because both of my dads are gay.


Man I am THIRSTY! It's a good thing you don't have to talk to type. If I was a crippled, on top of not being human, I'd be real bummed out that I'd have to speak everything I wanna type 'cause my pallette couldn't handle it. I typically don't like drinking soda but something about the Taco Bell exclusive!!!!! Mt. Dew Baja Blast I feel an exception for. I like Taco Bell a lot, I just wish...I wish no one worked there. Not because I have poor customer service experiences with my local burrito artists [TM] but because you always meet motherfuckers from Taco Bell. And what do they always wanna tell you right after you ask for free cinnamon twists? "Oh you shouldn't eat there. Don't eat the ground beef." They always tell you that you're about to die but never why! You'll be like well what's in the ground bee- "DON'T EAT IT MAN. TRUST YA NIGGA ON THIS SHIT."



I don't even eat meat and I still need to know what the fuck is going on with the ground beef. I need to know what's in that, and what the fuck is in nyquil. Nyquil is the only sleep inducing substance that you're not supposed to have anything else with. Why? BECAUSE IT WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! You never read "Do not take alcohol with Ubisom." But there's like a red skull and crossbones with an online link to fill out your will on a Nyquil bottle. Which by the way, if you're working on your will, please bequeeth me something. I would like to be told I'm being bequeethed and not in the middle of Reno, Nevada at a place called the Pink Pony writing a check for $453.00. Post-dated.