Dudes who are actually tough don't wear Tapout shirts. Only fucking pussies who shop at the mall feel the need to advertise their 'toughness.' I realize you watched UFC last weekend so you think you're gonna be a Brazilian jiu-jitsu pro but it aint happening. the same goes for those faggots with pictures of brass knuckles on their shit. Fuck you. You also eat bitch food, like Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts. What is NOT bitch food, is fucking Amy's frozen dinners and shit. Holy Gawd. Amy's is the only frozen food, and this is scientifically proven according to a survey I made up to prove this point, that you straight up CRAVE. No one wakes up at 3am and is like "dang (cause no one says 'dang' anyway) I sure could go for a lean cuisine right now" or "ughhh I'd kill for a Hungryman." NO! That shit does not take place! What DOES happen is like 8pm you're chillin' out watchin Scrubs re-runs, waiting for the Family Guy episode you've seen 13 times to come on TBS cause ohhhh that silly Peter Griffin! and all of the sudden you NEED a breakfast burrito so you go to Whole Foods and stuff as many as you can in your Bane hoodie you got in 8th grade...
Yo if you PAY for shit at Whole Foods...you make me sick. They have a no chase policy ergo I have a no pay policy.
Anyway, I digress. I went to this "Blue's Night" thing downtown last night and to my horror as I entered I saw 100% white people. I immediately left. Why? Because white people don't know shit about the blues! White people don't have shit to be sad about except maybe Princess Diana and the cancelling of M*A*S*H. I'd add Mother Theresa to that but white people forgot about her since Diana died like RIGHT after her and duhhh Theresa was ugly. The pretty people get remembered. Ugly people don't matter in any society.
6.17.2008
5.12.2008
Jewish People Driving German Cars
I'm not Jewish. Not that I hate Jewish people, they just are kind of like Mexicans and liars - hellbound. My car, Ladysmith Blackmambazo, has decided to be a negro and not my nigga. This made me think of what kind of new car I'd like. Could someone please make an electric or hybrid car that does NOT look like a spaceship from Planet Queerazfuck? Sure it gets 50 miles to the gallon but it also looks like Rip Taylor's exercise bike. I'm thinking a Honda Civic hybrid. That should be able to get me going green and some roadhead. And she'll be all "no I have a boyfriend" and I'll be all like "it said 'it's complicated' on your facebook" and she'll be like "IT IS!"
Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.
I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?
Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.
I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?
4.29.2008
Miss Rap Supreme Ep. 3
What the FUCK Serch?! How you gonna tell my girl Lionezz to step off. Did you even hear Bree's rhyme? It was whack. She used the phrase "time of the month." Lionezz even was finally getting props from the other cast. She spits fire like Cinder doing an ember in Killer Instinct and this is an outrage! Serch you were wearing a postman outfit talkin about swagger! I swear to God in heaven I'm gonna cut your body in half with the edge of a nickel. I know it can be done, I saw it on CSI: New York. Not the original one, but New York. And a nickel doesn't even have very good ridges on the side, so that's gonna be quite a jagged incision. God I hate you Serch. And quit showin love to Nicky2States! I don't care how phat her ass is (lie), her voice is annoying and her shit is staccato (I took piano lessons, I know what staccato is)! On a sidenote though: Miss Cherry kilt it on the elimination. I was impressed. I couldn't understand most of what she said because of her lisp but the flow of it was hot so I was convinced it was right. Kinda like listening to M.I.A. or my Taco Bell order being read back to me.
4.23.2008
Drop Trou
I was watching Miss Rap Supreme the other night, supporting the fuck out of Chiba and Lionezz and getting a rage blackout about MC Serch...(this motherfucker decides what's cool? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER 3RD BASS?! This nigga is corny! He had a hightop fade. And on the episode I watched he had fucking slippers on! FUCK!)... I saw a commercial with YOUR friend (not mine) Chuck Norris talkin it up about the Total Gym. So Chuck endorses the Total Gym but...he also endorsed Mike Huckabee. So that tells me that the Total Gym probably isn't that reliable, has a poor tax cut program, and is homophobic. Kind of like my teachers in grade school...
Man grade school was sick. Sailor Moon, Deftones, and all the cargo shorts I could handle. When I was in school I kept track of when it started and ended by two days, which I was told were "holidays." School started around Labor Day and ended near Memorial Day. I thought that's what those days were for. Turns out Memorial Day is an actual holiday. Why though, would we have a holiday for people who suck at their job? Yo you were a soldier and didn't dodge that bullet. Now you're dead.. PROPS! Nah fuck that. You don't keep your Target discount when you get fired. We don't have a celebration for all the pregnant 15 yr old Puerto Ricans at McDonald's who couldn't handle the fryer. So why the fuck would we have Memorial Day? I guess white people need an excuse to eat a burger and a bratwurst in the same sitting to not feel guilty.
In entertainment news, Tina Fey's new movie is coming out. This is Tina's first movie since co-starring and writing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!...Mean Girls. That alone is reason enough for me to want to "Two Become One" her but in this movie...she can't get pregnant! Talk about a dream come true.
Man grade school was sick. Sailor Moon, Deftones, and all the cargo shorts I could handle. When I was in school I kept track of when it started and ended by two days, which I was told were "holidays." School started around Labor Day and ended near Memorial Day. I thought that's what those days were for. Turns out Memorial Day is an actual holiday. Why though, would we have a holiday for people who suck at their job? Yo you were a soldier and didn't dodge that bullet. Now you're dead.. PROPS! Nah fuck that. You don't keep your Target discount when you get fired. We don't have a celebration for all the pregnant 15 yr old Puerto Ricans at McDonald's who couldn't handle the fryer. So why the fuck would we have Memorial Day? I guess white people need an excuse to eat a burger and a bratwurst in the same sitting to not feel guilty.
In entertainment news, Tina Fey's new movie is coming out. This is Tina's first movie since co-starring and writing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!...Mean Girls. That alone is reason enough for me to want to "Two Become One" her but in this movie...she can't get pregnant! Talk about a dream come true.
4.18.2008
Trail Mix...
3-17-MMH8
weirds me the fuck out. HAS to be invented by white people. Only white people would drop like $5 on a bag of nuts and shit. I mean the title alone "TRAIL MIX." Oh you mean this shit was on the ground and you were nice enough to pick it up and sell it to me? Oh why thank you. Fuck off and give me some fiery hot funyons. Not really. That sounds ironic doesn't it? FIERY HOT and FUN don't really seem like they'd be associated with each other. Or onions for that matter. Gross. Speaking of green beer what's up with St. Patrick's Day? I'm not really too clear on what Patty did. I assume he got really drunk a lot? All I know is the Irish people were like decimated by the lack of a potato. Pretty fucking picky. When I got to Sesame and they're out of fries I don't just starve. I select another option. It's filed under "sides" Irish people. Jesus Christ on the cross [I miss andrei.] But I guess people do need an excuse to listen to Flogging Molly because otherwise it IS completely unacceptable. No exceptions. Dropkick Murphy's are okay because they're tough as shit and because I stagedived off the HOB when I was like 12 during "Lights Out!" and for that brief moment in time that I was airborn I almost forgot how fucking terrible the Casualities were that night. But only almost.
weirds me the fuck out. HAS to be invented by white people. Only white people would drop like $5 on a bag of nuts and shit. I mean the title alone "TRAIL MIX." Oh you mean this shit was on the ground and you were nice enough to pick it up and sell it to me? Oh why thank you. Fuck off and give me some fiery hot funyons. Not really. That sounds ironic doesn't it? FIERY HOT and FUN don't really seem like they'd be associated with each other. Or onions for that matter. Gross. Speaking of green beer what's up with St. Patrick's Day? I'm not really too clear on what Patty did. I assume he got really drunk a lot? All I know is the Irish people were like decimated by the lack of a potato. Pretty fucking picky. When I got to Sesame and they're out of fries I don't just starve. I select another option. It's filed under "sides" Irish people. Jesus Christ on the cross [I miss andrei.] But I guess people do need an excuse to listen to Flogging Molly because otherwise it IS completely unacceptable. No exceptions. Dropkick Murphy's are okay because they're tough as shit and because I stagedived off the HOB when I was like 12 during "Lights Out!" and for that brief moment in time that I was airborn I almost forgot how fucking terrible the Casualities were that night. But only almost.
4.13.2008
Bradberry
I noticed on other blogs that they use lots of media like pictures and videos to give better insight as to what they're talking about. This has inspired me; I mean...not enough to actually take the time to do it but enough to think about it. Besides, what would I have pictures of? The Coal Chamber rarities collection I purchased? Mexicans? I don't think Mexicans can even be photographed. They're like vampires. Which might make for some pretty sweet shots. A stolen bike riding itself while cat calling to fat ugly (redundant) white girls could get me some awards. Not that I respect people that steal bikes - Steal a fucking car. What's worse is these hipster trash white kids who spend more of these stupid road and track bikes than most teens do on their first Camry. The only reason a grown ass man should be riding a bike is to deliver me my sesame tofu. And goddamnit I said no peas or onions. Why would peas even go with that?! No that does NOT mean no broccoli! Fuck why are your eyes so close together you worthless chi-...err...I enjoy my gook food. I mean my oriental cuisine. Or whatever.
After my last entry, I received a lot of messages asking me about veganism and why I decided to take that turn. Well the answer is simple: I fucking hate animals. I hate them. So much in fact, that I refuse to let them be in my life to the point of even eating them. Besides, why should they get to be the lucky ones to die? That's why I'm always jealous of my cell phone.
After my last entry, I received a lot of messages asking me about veganism and why I decided to take that turn. Well the answer is simple: I fucking hate animals. I hate them. So much in fact, that I refuse to let them be in my life to the point of even eating them. Besides, why should they get to be the lucky ones to die? That's why I'm always jealous of my cell phone.
4.08.2008
Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.
Now some of you may not know this, but I'm vegan. As fuck actually. That's the scientific genus phylum of my veganism: "as fuck." And basically what that means is, that I don't know what good food tastes like anymore. I have forgotten it's scumtrulescent flavors and delicacies and no longer enjoy Monster Thickburgers or jalapeno poppers. Nay. This takes an amazing discipline. Why you may ask? BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING EAT CHEESE! Have you ever not eaten cheese? No you haven't. I smell that Baby Bell cheese wheel in your pocket right now. So sometimes the subject of me being vegan will come up and ALWAYS some dumb bitch will say something like "oh you're vegan? I totally relate to your plight. I don't eat red meat." Oh really? CAUSE I DON'T EAT CHEESE! You're no martyr! Do you know what a grilled cheese taste like without cheese? It tasted like untoasted bread because I don't know how to preheat an oven and I'm not allowed to touch the toaster after a MINOR non-violent incident involving a pop-tart. I was cruising around (yeah, I "cruise" faggots. My car has a turbo engine and I own a Juvenile CD from 1999. We cruise ok?) near my house the other day with my adopted farther X-Wad and a cop pulls us over damn near in my driveway. He pulls us out of the car and starts searching it. I'm like ey pimpin, if I wanted some bacon (which I don't. It tastes good so I don't eat it) I'da gone to IHOP, what's the deal? He says he looking for heroin. X says "HEROIN?! This motherfucker over here doesn't even eat CHEESE!" Which is ANOTHER reason I hate white people.
You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."
No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.
So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"
...
I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.
Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?
No. They don't.
You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."
No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.
So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"
...
I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.
Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?
No. They don't.
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