Jammin' Jambalaya!

Since I can remember I've been allergic to peanut products. I've never had a peanut butter cracker, never bit into a Butterfinger candy bar despite Bart Simpson's constant peer pressure, and I've absolutely never ever ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were to, then my throat would quickly close in a matter of minutes preventing me from one of my least favorite habits: breathing. And apparently, this is a vital part of the living process. But that somehow still doesn't stop dumb white [redundant] people from asking me if I ever crave it. When you're fatally allergic to shit like that...you don't crave it. Peanuts smell like death to me. That's like me asking you "yo, I know you've never eaten out of a portapotty before but do you ever just like CRAVE that?! OH MAN! You don't know what you're missing!" Unless you're a downtown longboarder because I see you faggots eat shit everyday. Sometimes into parked cars but unfortunately, never into each other. Either that or they'll just go on and on about how fucking good PB is and how much it must suck to me because I can't eat it. Well first of all...I CAN eat it! My life my rules! I can do whatever the fuck I want! But I DO NOT eat it. And deucely, JOKE'S ON YOU NOW WHITE PEOPLE! I saw the Congressional testimony! Y'all niggas is FUUUUCKED! You're gonna be chockful of salmonella with typhoid fever and blood comin' out yr ass. I used to think salmonellla was something that made my crotch itch after dating Katlin Reeder back in high school but turns out it's some sort of bacteria found in AIDS victims who went and fucked everything up for the rest of us...wait no...not us. JUST YOU! You pad thai eating fuckers!


I guess there's lots of things I don't eat between being anti-fruit (the smell bad so I assume they taste bad too. I judge.) and vegan. One thing I really hate is other vegans...well other vegans. BUT MORE SPECIF, vegans who refer to all their food with the word "vegan" before it. If you say yo Ima go have some macaroni and cheese, and your hemp bracelet says "Vegan Girls Swallow More :-)" then I will assume that your meal will be vegan. You don't need to tell me "hey I'm going to go eat some vegan macarovegani and vegan cheese vegan. Did I mention I'm vegan? And fucking strict too. I don't eat honey and wear a nuva ring. They're made with gelatin ya know? I know. I mean I know everything about it in both of the months I've made this life decision I'll change my mind about next month when my girlfriends aren't doing it anymore."

None of the dudes on Top Chef would tolerate that kind of bullshit. Except for maybe Carla. Which is why I assume in 5 days on the finale she'll be the main course and possibly the secret ingredient on Iron Chef America. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY! FIGHT ME.

Shadaloozer

Gossip Girl what the FUCK! A five week hiatus?! I can't deal with it. I need more Jenny Humprey in my life than once every month and a half. I mean yeah she's what like 14? But I guess I can like older girls this one time. I'm convinced her and Dan's father IS Gossip Girl. 'Cause this motherfucker is NEVER at work. So he has plenty of time to just sit at home and blog it up about bullshit. I mean what a loser right?! Who has time to just sit and rant about...oh...so anyway I'd like to take this time to address some things I'm excited about this year in music and movies. Now what does that really mean to someone whose favorite album of 2007 was Avril Lavigne and favorite movie of MMH8 was Bolt? Well the answer has two parts: 1. everything; 2. Don't fucking sass me or I swear to God I will make you my Rihanna whilst I hum the chorus to "No Air." That's a two-fold punishment. You probably thought I was gonna say hum "Breakin' Dishes" but that would be too obvious. (huh?)

First and foremost: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why is this number one? Welllllllll because it's the soonest. And I have the patience of a piece of shit who rides their bike on the sidewalk has with pedestrians. Yo if you ride your bike on the sidewalk, you're a pussy. Period. Actually if you ride a bike at all, you're a legit faggot anyway unless you're under the age of 13. However, if you're like pushing 30, waiting tables, and worried more about the tattoo sleeve you're gonna get than your rent payment or that your haircut looks like it's from the 1950's (and not the T-Birds, but the dudes who got beat up by them) then you probably need to just get that fixed gear on I-26 and close your eyes, but PLEASE not before refilling my sweet tea and would it be too much trouble for some more bread? We gotta get the recipe for bread. I wanna live in a world where you can just go to a grocery store and buy bread right there ready to eat! Now I know it's been like 15 years since the original Street Fighter and that they're pretty much disregarding that it happened and bypassing the two most popular characters for Chun-Li but godDAMNIT you have to start somewhere. Besides, you know she's gonna do the spinning bird kick. What more do you need? Ryu and Ken? Yeh probably but did I meantion spinning bird kick? I feel like I may have neglected to bring that up. And I don't know if you've heard...I was under the impression everyone had heard. I thought it'd be bigger news. Oh you HAVEN'T heard? Well the spinning bird...is the word. Or for our construction worker friends: La palabra esta el pajaro.

I'm sorry I take that back. That was a little racist and discriminatory. I know it takes all kinds to build a highway. But mi abuelita always told me that Mexicans are a lower form of life than us Venezuelans and if you're calling my nana a liar OH DO WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS!!!!! THAT WOMAN MADE ME CHILE RELLENO FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE! And there was some platanos too but I'd never eat it. I don't eat fruit. I never have eaten a fruit. They're wet for no reason! It weirds me out.

Well all this talk of you beefin' with Nana Cubillan and nauseating fruit has sidetracked me into a state of dry heaves and a strange craving for cheese stuffed peppers...so I'm gonna go fingerblast my throat like it was Taylor Momsen and I'll get back to you later.

It just so happens that you live in the ocean...CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB!

That new Beyonce song is LEGIT! I dunno how a diva is the female version of a hustla because I'm pretty sure a hustla is a quad-gender term HOWEVERR....it still knocks in the trunk area. And that's normally where my focus is. You can ask any sea cow (manatee.) But that's not what I'm here to discuss. There are new episodes of the following shows tonight:

Gossip Girl

HEROES

and of course...HEROES. Because I'll DVR it and watch it again. Not to be confused with DMV. The DMV as we both know is where white people go to laugh about parking and tickets and ni-...errr others go to reference how many times they've had their license suspended and that they didn't know the gun was loaded or get hit for $180.00 fines cause maybe you didn't fucking WANT insurance that month! Ever think about that AIG?! I didn't think so. "Oh you didn't pay your premium so we cancelled you." Well FUCK you. I thought this was America where I had FREEDOM. Like the FREEDOM to drive uninsured as long as I didn't report any hit-and-runs in the Harris Teeter parking lot. That's the kind of motherfuckers we're dealing with at the DMV. Rod G from Illinois is probably there right now. They're totally trying him as a minority. No witnesses for this motherfucker. Ain't that just like fucking white people. I mean they record his personal convos and then are like yo he was selling the Senate seat. NO HE WAS NOOOT! He was just talking about it! Throwing out ideas. Some good like selecting a proper candidate who has the respectable credentials...and some bad. Like giving it to the highest bidder. Like when you're talking with your boys about how much you hate your job and you're like well...Dairy Queen is hiring and I DO love those cheesequake blizzards alot, I could try and work things out with my supervisor, ORRRR I could just kill the motherfucker! You weren't gonna kill them!...certainly not on a Monday. Heroes comes on that night and there's no way you're fucking that up.

PSA

So I noticed that everyone has a blog now. Which makes sense, I've been a trend setter for years. 2004? ESP basses. 1997? Jnco Jeans. Now MM9 blogs. But you losers who start "blogs" and just tell me about what you had for lunch that day or the new CD you bought, you've had blogs for years. It was called a livejournal. Or for some of you who burnt nag champa in your room a deadjournal. And if you think that was any fucking different then you're more wrong than Ludacris was when he thought "Runaway Love" was a good song. It's okay, don't be ashamed. Just know that there's no difference...

So I was eating a Montystrami and Cheez sandwich the other day for lunch while listening to my new Lady Gaga CD and it hit me!...Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper was too good for people to understand and that's why it failed. I mean the idea of FRUIT in your Dr. Pepper might have been a little intimidating but Cherry is a fruit right? And that shit is in EV-ER-Y-THANG! (ev-er-y-thang?) EV-ER-Y-THANG! Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper, the fucking crazy ones are in Pepsi, and it used to be in 7Up but then that Red Dot got an ego. Thinkin he can carry the brand on his whistling sunglasses wearing shoulders and where is he now hmm? HMM?! Well I got news for you buddy, Red Dots don't have shoulders, so check yourself.

Alottalayers

First lemme make it clear that I couldn't care less about who the president is. As long as neither have a platform that is gonna prevent Avril Lavigne from making albums or Degrassi from going off the air then it doesn't affect me. Why? Cause I'm a draft dodger. But after the election the other day I'm highly upset with the results...

Oh no not who won. I mean the resulting attitudes of the dumb white people I saw the day after. Now it's one thing to be bummed out that Obama won but to be SURPRISED? I mean of course the faggot state I live in went to McCain. But that's only because the residents of South Carolina are racist and live in 1870. But yo you were SURPRISED?! OH WORD?! Um... lemme ask you this.

Go to the mall recently? Did you walk by the airbrush station? Could you purchase a Palin Power t-shirt or a McCain Is Our Main visor? Nah son. But I fucking bet you could cop an Obey Obama tall-tee all day long innit? Obama was a pop culture figure. Some people don't even know even today who McCain is. But you were surpised...

So anyway I was washing my Obey Obama shirt the other day (oops!) and I was throwing it in with my socks, which are ankle cut, never any higher unless they're thigh fucking high, and my red VzW stuff and my roommate starts freaking the fuck out. "You have to seperate your whites and colors!" And I said fuck that we're at war. They're all going in at once. I mean for all I know, this whole whites and reds seperation thing could just be a rumor I've been blindly following. And you can't base things on rumors. Like Red Bull gives you wings? The fuck it does. That never happened to me. And if anyone deserves wings it's me. They don't even hand em out on airplanes anymore cause some Suckit (a new noun I'm trying out) pricked himself with em. Basically there's this huge conspiracy to keep me from getting wings. I think that's what I'm really getting at here. And I won't stand for it. I'll fly for it though. (HA! See what I did there? Pretty treach. [prounounced "trech" like "treacherous."...it's an adjective I'm trying out.])

::sigh:: But alas... I can't fly. Instead of wings I got feet. And something you might not know about me? I fucking hate feet. But I only hate them because they're disgusting. And because I hate feet...I also hate dudes who wear flip-flops. Also you might have noticed that uh...it's fucking November. So unless your last name is "Of Nazareth" there's really no reason you should be still wearing flip-flops anyway.

I'd tell you more but I have to go watch Gossip Girl and drink Crunk!!! juice. Simultaneously. Nose closed.



Stay treach. (see?! This word is versatile.)

Palin

I just heard and saw Palin for the first time last week. This is a direct quote from her speech, that she gave to America, as a vice-presidential (OF THE UFUCKINGNITED STATES) candidate: ::ahem:: "do you know the difference between a pitbull and a soccer mom? The lipstick."

No Palin, that's the difference between you and Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, that's where the fuck you belong - On the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Not in a position of power. You look like Tina Fey's fat transexual son! THIS BITCH SKINS ELK! Or caribou! Or something! FUCK!

Democratic women don't like Palin. I know you think that they do - false. What DO democratic women like? Abortion and Hilarry Clinton. And sometimes pussy. Although they might still be on the fence. See they were jello shootin' pretty hard at a party recently and that goddamn Katy Perry song came in and they couldn't help themselves and now they're shopping for pencil skirts. Anyway Palin doesn't like any of those things. Democratic women only listen to Hilarry! Hil could be like yo, all you bitches read all the Harry Potter books by this weekend and get a tattoo on your throat of Daffy Duck and those bitches would be doing Expecto Patronum spells talkin' bout "You're Despicable." So please don't think Palin is shit aight dawg?

I mean look at the bitch's family. There's the youngest daughter who's in her matching pink with pink on pink. Very girly. That's cute. Then there's the middle daughter. There's really nothing to say about her because she's the MIDDLE daughter meaning no one loves her anyway. She's hardly a person, but she's smiling which is good and hiding the track marks and that's important! Then there's the oldest daughter. She's named after a Bay. Because that's what you do when you're white - name your children after landmarks. I was excited to see her because I heard she was pregnant so I assumed she was gonna be hot enough that SOMEONE fucked her while she was still at pep rallies for the high school lacrosse team. Not the case. I mean you'd think they'd slide her $400 and get that shit taken care of before this campaign. Third trimester or not. If its not born yet, then its fixable.

Speaking of abortion, Urban Outfitters needs to step their game up. Where's my "I <3 Abortion" shirt? The back can say "Problem Solved" and come in 17 zany colors like electric yellow and tangelo. And then faggots can wear them with other clothes that have 7 or 8 colors on them and they'll think its macthing. Because not matching is the new macthing. Print em up.

Dial Tones All Day Long

I have some stupid tattoos. And within the next few weeks I'll be getting some even more stupid ones. People always want to come up and talk about other people's tattoos. Yo I'm not a suicide girl. Don't come up and ask to see my shit. And don't call it by some hip name either "ey baby lemme see yr ink." Fuck you. I don't even use ink. I use high fructose corn syrup. Sure it gives me diabetes, but the hues I get out of it is so worth it. But in general I don't want to talk to you, much less about why I have the number 718 on my ribs or a flying zebra wrapping around me. What's even more annoying is older people like "why would you do that to your body?" or "what about when you're an old man?" or "who's gonna love you?" And I'm like...I dunno dad. I was thinkin you and mom? That was the idea.:-(I'm kidding don't feel bad for me. My parents are dead. Couldn't take too much of that bullshit...

I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."

In closing - Saturns are really great cars...







if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.