QWERTY or Die

Fonez!

They're apart of our lives. In fact, they're part of my very well-being and income. Not because I work for a phone company or service provider...but because it's how I communicate to my clients when slangin' 8-Balls to 8 yr olds. But the war on drugs is for another post (because that's obviously what foolofgold has to take to be able to not only LISTEN to Carnifex but think they're good. He probably likes Oceano). What we're here to discuss is the waaaaaave of new handsets that are currently running our lives. If your Sidekick recently broke, I unfortunately don't have a spare one for you to use but I DO have a spare calendar for you to check that it's 2010 and other phones have a fucking keyboard. If your phone does NOT have a keyboard, I have a spare candyphone because that's about as useful as your shit is to me.

Now I know the iPhone 4G just dropped and to quite a bit of fanfare. Fanfare is what they call it when people make fun of something because it can't work when it's not held a certain way right? The iPhone I understand is cool. I'm not naive to it. What I didn't understand however was the iPad. It's a big phone? It's a small computer? But now I get it. Sometimes the iPhone isn't big enough to do the big line of coke that white teenage girls need. The iPad allows that stream to at least double to the point you are so high you think Twilight is a good movie. Which also explains the success of Twilight! I should be a detective. I'm in the wrong business. Just kidding! I bet detective work doesn't pay as much as these schoolyard kids do with their parent's money for blow.

I think Sprint has a phone but I haven't acknowledged their existence since Murphy Brown stopped being their spokesperson. Android has been taking over. The Nexus (or you're against us) One, the Droid, and variations of it have all slowly been replacing what used to be dominant forces in the cell phone game like Palm and Samsung.

Also, Androids have always been cool. Look at Terminator, okay? Cool. Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Also cool. Fourth Kind the movie was pretty cool. I believe it all as fact because Milla at the beginning tells me it is and I believe everything she tells me. Not like that hussy Zoey in 500 Days of Summer. I'm really distracting from the main point. The point is this:

This shit is out August 13th! Ramona is such a bitch but she's obviously crazy and probably has a drinking problem so she is one eating disorder away from all the girls I date.

The Pros and Cons of Butterface Season

Summer time! You know what that means – music festivals. Wanna see 100 bands in the same day at least 20 ft away from a stage with 8000 of your closest friends? Good news, bro! It's not cold outside so it's acceptable. Now throughout the years many fests have come and gone: Lollapalooza, Lilith Fair, Ozzfest, American Idol just to name a few. But throughout all the Dave Navarro solo albums, Sarah McLaughlan liberation commercials, and Paula Abdul replacements one tour has stood the test of time – Warped Tour! That's right kids. It's that annual event you talk shit about riiiiiiight up until the morning of when you're purchasing your ticket. Now throughout the years the format and style of the event and bands performing has changed but one thing remains constant:...it...um...exists. So I ventured out this past week to the  Charlotte, NC  Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to see what this year brought us.


Now really more important than the bands are the people that attend this show. It's full of all sorts of contradicting lifestyles and tastes from neon “Free Hug Shirts” to black-and-white “Fuck Your Free Hugs” shirts yet these people are able to co-exist through the mutual love of music and of course the shared attribute of being fucking stupid. The show is dominated by boys and girls between the ages of 15 and 22...I know. Delicious! But more importantly lucrative! That's why Four Year Strong who couldn't get 20 people to watch them two years ago can now charge $40 for a basketball jersey and bank the fuck out. And I don't blame 'em. jersey and bank the fuck out. And I don't blame 'em.


So back to the music. Very few Warped Tour mainstays this year which is good and bad. I mean do I really need to see the Vandals again? Nope. But the constant presence of Reel Big Fish is always welcome and really one of the highlights of the day. One thing I will always give Warped propers for is the diversity of bands. Sure some types of music are more dominant than others but there's certainly something here for everyone. Now with so many bands playing and many at the same time I wasn't able to see everyone that played, including my least favorite band Emmure which of course is devastating because their vocalist's pseudo-thuggerisms makes Miley Cyrus look like Tupac Shakur and I'm sad that I missed the opportunity for so many jokes. But alas here are the acts I was able to catch or at least take notice of.


VersaEmerge – I saw these guys last year and wasn't really impressed with the music as I was with how attractive the band is, even the vocalist. They recently dropped a new album (DROPPED IT!) called “Fixed at Zero” and their set was predominantly selected from said album. I really enjoyed these new songs and despite being a fairly mellow band they really keep the energy going.

Set Your Goals – probably the worst performance I saw all day. I guess these guys are pretty popular and are resting on the fact everyone knew their songs but they looked really uninterested in playing almost as much as I must have in watching them. Huge crowd and a huge letdown.

Pretty Reckless – Taylor Momsen, the love of my very life's band. I think they played some music. Who cares. I love you Taylor! Never turn 18.

Every Time I Die - What're ya stupid? Of course they were good. It almost seems redundant to talk about it so I'm not gonna.


Sum 41 – Reuniting without the ethnic looking dude for a new tour and a new album. I know you know every word to Fat Lip and so did the entire crowd. These guys coulda played their own show here and probably sold it out. They played all the hits and made each of them 7 minute epics with breakdowns of competitions of the audience of who was louder. But the real winner is America. them 7 minute epics with breakdowns of competitions of the audience of who was louder. But the real winner is America. who was louder. But the real winner is America.

Now I saw plenty of other bands but I have too much pride to tell you how much I enjoyed Bring Me the Horizon and absolutely HATED Of Mice and Men but the real point here is...Warped Tour is still going and probably not going anywhere anytime soon. No matter how bad the lineup is (which gets worse every year) it's hard to not have fun and with the affordable fee of $30ish dollars (or free if you're girlfriend is a cocktease to some South Florida band) it really isn't that bad of thing. So until Family Values comes back remember it could be worse...




It could be Ozzfest.

05-10-10: Home Improvement

I was watching Iron Man 2 the other night and I mean...I wasn't disappointed. As not a HUGE fan of the first movie I would say I was pleasantly surprised at the sequel. The main downside I would say coming from the lack of Terrence Howard as Rhodey and the presence of whatever the name of that unlce tom they got to play him for this movie. Don't get me wrong, Cheadle is a great actor and I liked Crash as much as the next guy, but...can I be real for a minute? Like..REAL? Rhodey was a ni- uh...he was very urban. Terrence Howard is a real thug. A straight goon. Dude was in Hustle & Flow okay? You think Cheadle is willing and able to whoop that trick if he needs to? Fuck no. But I'm digressing from my main point: At the end of the movie we see the not-so-surprising sneak peak at a hammer presumed to be Thor's. ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME MAN?! Did you see that Bob the Builder looking hammer?! Sorry motherfucker, but the son of Odin doesn't shop at fucking Lowes. If Thor isn't just two hours of people getting bludgeoned I'm gonna be pissed. I'd have to assume because of the set up of"we found it" It's going to be a "human deemed worthy" of weilding the hammer of the gods and not a couple thousand year old god of thunder who needs to smash Loki for his overall mischeifity. But actually upon further research it will in fact be the Greek son of Odin sent to Earth to get his mind right. Don't fuck this up Marvel. I know you want to but don't do it!

I don't listen to vinyl because I own an iPOD.

I've come to the conclusion you can't back into a parking space and not be an asshole. Like...there's never an actual need to back into a space. I can't imagine the mental dialogue.


"It could take up to 4 minutes in this Starbucks and I don't wanna be late for the Early Bird special at the japanese steakhouse (I use chopsticks. It makes me feel so ethnic! But still superior) so I'm going to put this Prius in reverse so I can get the fuck out asap after this double soy sugar free vanilla cappucino! No foam please. What do you mean that's what makes a cappucino? Listen buddy I've been drinking coffee from gas stations for years, I think I know what a cappucino is. This is a really long mental dialogue I'm having. I wonder if I TiVo'd Idol. I really do miss Paula. I hope she's okay. OHHHH but that Simon!"


The Olympics are on which means...yes. Fewer latenight musical guests and therefore less Lady Gaga and Ke$ha appearences. I for one can't live like this. Cool Runnings was a sweet movie but I'm not trinna watch Curling, mainly because I don't think if it's a sport if a broom is involved. A broom?! It better be an all women's team!...I'm just kidding. Women can't play sports. But what chaos will return when the Olympics are over? I mean you wanna talk about signs of the apocalypse? How about this: Conan being fired from the Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon still being allowed to be on TV! There's your four horsemen and locusts and shit right there! I wonder if Carson ever gets bummed he's not even CONSIDERED for the promotion to Late Night...but yet Jimmy Fallon still has a show. That's probably why he paints his nails.



I haven't been to the movies in a really long time. I feel like that's all I used to talk about is movies but I guess Lindsay Lohan has been sidelined a little and Marvel heroes are taking their time with sequels so I guess I can just rewatch all the old Batmans. Batman & Robin always gets a lot of shit which I think is fucked up because...Uma Thurman is in it. You don't diss Uma! Are you kidding me?! Also how can you NOT appreciate those witty ice references from the governor of California such as "stay cool", "cold shoulder", "revenge is a dish best served cold", and "we aim to freeze". GET IT?! We aim to FREEZE! Instead of we aim to please! It's a pun. You know like a play on words? I'll explain it later. Anyway, with all its awesome faults, B&R's worst crime has gotta be...



Alicia Silverstone. What the FUCK! A fat batgirl? Thanks alot. In a hollywood blockbuster with (at the time) huge names like Chris O'Donnell [Party of Five - Lacey Chabert - Mean Girls. I have to support him] and George Clooney you couldn't get a good looking Batgirl?


"Silverstone was the first and only choice for the role."


BY WHO?! Who made this choice? Probably Jimmy Fallon.


Christina Ricci couldn't bleach her hair for the Batgirl role but she could do Black Snake Moan?! Tori Spelling couldn't get her dad to buy it for her? #ThisIsNotRealLife


But those were the days. Wholesome, character enriching movies like Batman & Robin and Sandlot and Free Willy. I was told today that Shamu killed his trainer today and the world is in shock. Shamu as you may know is the killer whale from Free Willy. What's that? What kind of whale? Oh a killer whale. It came as a surprise to all of us that he killed somebody. Shamu. The killer whale.


I did of course love Alicia Silverstone when she was skinnee and in Clueless with the fallen angel Brittany Murphy. Oh Brittany. I was so sad the day she died. Brittany Murphy was more than just an amazing actress and a loving person...

she was a total hottie who made me wanna drill Dr. Pepper can sized holes in my wall. Now yes she was in Clueless and 8 Mile and sure, I had to toss a couple pairs of perfectly good Lee Pipes out because of those movies but Miss Murphy had other roles that were much more important and impactful on my life that are often overlooked:

1. The Torkelsons - the first time I UNDERSTOOD what a boner was. But alas, I knew not what to do with it.

2. King of the Hill - the first time I wanted to fuck a cartoon character. (But it wouldnt't be the last. I wouldn't see "Cool World" til years later though.)

3. and finally Spun - the first time I wanted to fuck a drug addict. I wouldn't ACTUALLY fuck a drug addict until late 2008. But this is where the dream was born.

So join me as I mourn a true influence on my life and remember...the Bosstones were in Clueless too.

Greatest Hits

I just saw these hearing aids that are disguised as Bluetooths. They're designed to look like Bluetooth headsets for people who are too embarassed to wear legit hearing aids. So...they're not okay with you knowing they're deaf but they're more than alright with you thinking that they're a douchebag. Oh, if you wear a Bluetooth? You're a douchebag. Ah-ah-ah-ah-AH! NO!...you're a douchebag.

I went to enjoy a delicious wrap at my favorite local wrappery. Getting down with some wrapparations (see what I did there?). And I ordered it with no tomatoes. The bitch taking my order goes "Oh don't worry sir. I know what you're worried about and I assure you our tomatoes are salmonella free and are fine for you." Um...no bitch. They're not fine. You know why? Cause...they're still tomatoes! Tomatoes are fucking gross! Hey. Go in the back. Check the tomatoes and see if they're still tomatoes. If they are? Keep 'em the fuck off my shit!


I don't understand the arrogance of Mac users. "Oh man I can't believe I ever owned a PC! Macs are so much better." You're an idiot. Put Shinedown or whatever raperock your're gettin' down with on pause and listen to me: its the same shit. Except Apple isn't smart enough to add the right click button on the mouse. "Virus Software? Ha! I do not need such things. I have a MAC." Correct. Cause what fucking hacker is going to waste their time writing a virus to wipe out your photo gallery of your trip to Brussels or your home DJ software. They'd rather hit the 90 Bajillion (factual statistic) PC users who store credit cards and shit on their desktop.

If you saw 9, and you know that Twilight is the worst movie ever made, tell me what you thought about it. I haven't seen it yet but I'm a sucker for Jennifer Connely ever since she wanted to kill that baby in Labyrinth.

Ffyfb,

- RR

If you're still alive, then you're not a Suicide Girl.

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not actually smart, I'm imaginary smart". These are likely the same people who don't know that Alaska is part of the United States or that Hannah Monatana and Miley Cyrus aren't really the same person. (what? yes they a-) These people also say they aren't "tech savvy" when you get annoyed that they don't know how to text message. I'm not asking you to re-image the harddrive chief, just press the "2" button until you get to the desired letter and move on. They also post bulletins and shit that say "Don't open a video from 'such and such' because it has a VIRUS!" This amuses me. It should read: "Hey! I'm incapable of basic security and I just royally fucked my computer. Does anyone have a zip file with Twilight and Jack Johnson on it?"

And finally people who wear deep V t-shirts are fucking faggots. And I don't mean 'faggot' like they idolize Cher and fuck each other's boyfriends. I mean faggot like they have Twitter conversations and talk about bike (like BICYLCLE not Biker Mice From Mars bikes) races. And don't get all Wanda Sykes on me and act offended. First of all, Wanda sikes used to fuck dudes because her name used to be Wanda Sykes-Hall. And ya know what? she was funnier then too. I don't care how many actual 'gays' you know. Fact of the matter is, I just hate flat brim, purple Nike mismatched with neon yellow and electric blue sweater, skinnee jeans wearing douche bags. And I like the word 'faggot'! SOOOO:

Fuck you. Fuck your friend's band. Fuck your shitty parents. I will punch you to death.

The Death of Shark Week

I think it's funny that I work with really shitty people. Like...the kind of people I would fight or kill in real life. But I'm pleasant to these faggots for the sake of a nice work environment. Thanks HR! But sometimes they aren't pleasant to each other, or even better - the ones they love don't have the same rules I do. This is the story of such an event. So basically...there's this scumbag monkey looking motherfucker named... well we'll call him Bubbles. I would call him Trixie Kong or Curious George or Flava Flav but I didn't hate those monkeys and I surely hated King Kai's fucking primate Bubbles. So Bubbles sucks and he's married to this FLY bitch. She's latin and probably listens to Shakira but the Spanish versions and she orders her fajitas with the corn tortillas and says vato and gringo alot. Then there's also this disgusting fat fuck named... we'll call her Fat Sweaty Betty. She thinks she's hot but her face looks like its melting. And she's fat. Hence "fat fuck." FSB is also, somehow, married. So Bubbles and Betty. They're fuckin' right. And Bubbles' fly as FUCK wife finds "I love you emails" from FSB to Super Scrub...


and fucking stabs him in the spleen!

Knife. Spleen. Connection. Bam. I think I'm in love. So Bubba comes into work...and I can't stop laughing at this dude. Or making spleen references. Spleen you doing today? How's it spleening out there? I need a new spleensaver. Like yo you got stabbed in the spleen after fucking a fat bitch, you might wanna relocate cause errrbody knows yr bizness. Sidenote: Bubbles' wife's facebook status? "Betty, I'm going to kill you."

EPIC. STOKED.

So what I'm really trying to say is...date a Latin girl. Cause she's down to take blades to a motherfucker if neccessary. And I find that very attractive.