Tha Second Wave White Girl

I watch a lot of movies that would probably be considered "chick flicks" and while watching jams like Jawbreaker and Clueless portrayed within tha stereotypical white girl...until now. See, tha white girl has evolved and I'm not sure who to credit as tha pioneer of it, though I'd have to say Madonna or Britney Spears since they evolved with it but when I was "growing up" playing your local Houses of Blueses and visiting malls around tha country tha white girl was a bunch of flat ass, denim skirt and gaucho wearing, Volkswager Beatle driving, monogrammed sweatshirt havin' spray tanners who valued family prestige and flip-flops over everything else.

But thanks to science, evolution, and rap music white girls are now far more interested in twerking, eyebrows, poppin' molly, hashtags and handbags. I ain't mad at 'em but don't be mad at me like I'm lyin': Miley, Gaga, Katy, and even my goddess K$ are definitely (and sometimes desperately) wanting to be a part of rap culture and a video vixen more than they wanna be Blossom and if you don't know who Blossom is...you probably were born into tha Second Wave as it is and are reading this deeeep in a pumpkin spice latte. The recent boom of EDM in pop culture with dubstep infecting every form of music, film, fashion, and fff...some other f word here. Feathers? FOOTWEAR!!!! also is completing tha second wave white girl circle of life.

On a deeper level basically it's become a much more selfish world for tha white girl. It's all about MY money, MY car, MY eyebrows when half tha time these bitches got way bigger red flags goin' than their EYEBROWS. But it's me me me. Which is hilarious when white girls get matching tattoos with each other because tattoos last FOREVER and their friendships last like...3 months. Nice treble clef; YOU WRITIN' A SYMPHONY WHEN YOU GET HOME OR SOMETHIN'?!

But like I said, I love you and your hair dye, yoga pants, and leggings-as-pants. Thanks for tha butts just...could y'all stop saying tha n-word? I know you think you're friends with Wiz Khalifa but it still makes me cringe.

Infotainment

I was sent an infographic about how aspartame is poison which Diet Coke is filled with which Taylor Swift peddles to y'all now which in reality makes sense but yo in that commercial where she's singing her hit song about "feeling 22" which is a feeling she obviously knows a lot about facing standard 22 problems like which private jet to take or soft drink to endorse she says she wants to "dress up like hipsters" which is funny for a couple of reasons. ONE...what Tay-Tay is defining as a "hipster" is legit what she represents fashion-wise pretty much nonstop. Her dresses and lil' hats and all that. Adorable.


Swift Beatz ain't tha only culprit. In general tha term "hipster" in 2013 is a parody of itself. In 2005/2006 when all tha girls I wanted to makeout with/made fun of (usually tha same thing anyway) were hipster trash, that shit was real deal. They really were pieces of shit who were super hip and did drugs and listened to import vinyl on their mom's record player and wore cardigans and glasses and incorrectly thought Radiohead was a good band while riding their track bikes and eating kale or roxies or whatever. But now all that was "hipster" is available at JC Penny and Wal-Mart and tha use of tha term is as easily available as a labor worker in tha parking lot of either one of those making it not really "hip" at all but really just pretty normal. Bonnaroo. Pitchfork. "Hip-hop". Kill me.


But girls love Tayside and they LOVE talking about their hair! Long hair don't care/short hair don't care/blonde hair don't care/no hair don't care...GALS: I GET IT. Y'all don't give a FUCK about your hair... and unless it's purple I don't care about it either! But what I do care about is your footwear 'cause I'm over you wearing Jordans or whatever shithead sneaker you think is making you "one of tha boys" because yeh you're one of tha boys meaning I'm gonna eat lunch with you and hit on your sister because we share similar interests like Pretty Little Liars and hating you.


PLL ain't been on tha air in a MINUTE though so I've been filling that void with Power Button aka REVOLUTION. Pretty sure Charlie (boy with a girl name!!! <3) gets tha shit slapped out of her every episode. ALSO did you know Rachel was on Lost? ALSO ALSO DID you KNOW Miles IS in ALL tha TWILIGHTS?!



Sometimes I watch on episode TV shows at houses with big TVs. Here's some examples.

SPOILER ALERT: Tha Great Gatsby is seven hours of Peter Parker telling tha tale of a dude spending his entire life loving a girl and doing everything he can to make her happy but her staying with tha piece of shit who cheats on her...  SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT, Y'ALL! Oh yeah and Catch Me If You Can is in it in a dream within a dream's dream.

Pain & Gain is cool because Rock plays a jacked half-retard drug addict just like he is in real life! Tight!

Iron Man 3 is a documentary on why only Joss Whedon and Christopher Nolan should be allowed to make superhero movies starring Robert Downey, Jr. channeling Coke Problem Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark's ghost.

Battlestar 2 or whatever - Yo I never gave no fucks about Star Trek or Star Wars or tha Starland Ballroom or Starfuckers, Inc. but I did like Starrcade and Star Trak and Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold and Shifty from Crazy Town but THA POINT IS goddamn if "Harold and Sylar Go to Space" ain't tha best movie I've seen all year.



Finally I wanna let y'all know that I think I'm in love...

If Jodi Arias wants to get it in once more before she gets put down, I'm ready to give her that lethal injection...IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

(I mean sexual intercourse).

Even if she doesn't get tha death penalty, if she just needs conjugal visit I'm WITH IT. For a few reasons: 1. She's hot. Obvi. TWO I wanna die and C. My juggalo heritage has conditioned me to love murderers. CALL ME JODI! We can start planning our life together after you get out on parole and more importantly maybe you can help me with some household chores I noticed I've been having a tough time with. I went to check my oil in my car, pulled tha dipstick out, & realized...I don't know what tha FUCK I'm doing. What am I even looking at?! Yep! That's an oily gross dipstick! Is my car gonna explode or what?!

As for laundry... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SETTINGS. Warm/Cold, Cold/Cold, Permanent Press (LIE!), Knits/Delicates. There's even settings within settings. I just want my clothes to smell like vanilla lavender and to not have to iron them which I assume is what a dryer is for. Dryers are to ironing boards what microwaves are to ovens...and I put aluminum in all 4.



But perhaps tha most dangerous of all...is applying...THA FITTED BEDSHEET. Holy shit I gotta come at it like a spider monkey sprawled out like a starfish trinna get that elastic to do what I want. Tha Miley Cyrus of bed, bath, and beyond - can't be tamed. But also I don't have any plans on sleeping anyway. I've been taking a NeuroSleep and cyanide capsule every night and no luck. Maybe add some peanut butter?

Top 25 Albums of 2012

Now that 2012 is over, I thought I'd be narcissistic and tell you guys what my favorite albums of tha year were. My favorite doesn't necessarily mean BEST but I'm always right about everything (outside of spelling) so actually yes it does.

25. Strife - Witness a Rebirth
This album makes tha list based purely on it sounding like a Strife album and tha numetal credentials of Marc Rizzo guest appearances. Strife was always ahead of tha curve and in 2012 they sound more relevant than ever.

24. Sleigh Bells - Reign of Terror
Tha dichotomy between tha crunching guitars and pop grace on this album is awesome and they really hone their craft with what was started on their last release.

23. Grimes - Visions
My obsession with cybergoth brought me to Grimes' video for tha song "Genesis" (which is tha most cybergoth shit I've ever SEEN) and at first came off as a novelty to me but really this album is dense in layers of different moods and atmospheres that really are pretty cool and more than just a cyborg pop gimmick.

22. Xibalba - Hasta La Muerte

21. Minus tha Bear - Infinity Overhead

20. Every Time I Die - Ex-Lives

19. Insane Clown Posse - Tha Mighty Death Pop

18. Dirty Ghosts - Metal Moon

17. Cattle Decapitation - Monolith of Inhumanity
Cattle Decapitation are legends at this point in their career and could easily rest on their laurels but this might be tha best in their discography. Tha riffs are catchy, tha lyrics skip from animal liberation to casting spells, and tha songs feel more brutal than ever. Best metal album of tha year by far.

16. Propagandhi - Failed States

15. Stone Sour - House of Gold and Bones, Part 1
I never liked Stone Sour before and always saw it as one of tha weaker Slipknot side projects especially compared to Murderdolls and I was right but a few albums deep they have finally NAILED it. This album is so impressive between tha songwriting and textures that it makes everything else they'd been doing prior like a demo. Excited to hear if they can keep up tha momentum with Part 2 in 2013.

14. Big K.R.I.T. - Live from tha Underground

13. Cher Lloyd - Sticks + Stones

12. Papa Roach - Tha Connection
Papa Roach's early work, namely "Infest" was huge for me in my early years but I really hadn't been able to connect (get it?) with their last 2 or 3 albums. With "Tha Connection" they added a slight, tasteful electronic element to tha music which isn't overpowering but is enough to give them a fresh take on what they had been kind of phoning in tha past few years. Anthemic choruses and uptempo instrumentals add to it to make songs like "Still Swinging" some of tha best of tha year.

11. Twiztid - Abominationz

10. Bridgit Mendler - Hello My Name Is...

9. Fabolous - S.O.U.L. Tape 2

8. Carly Rae Jepsen - Kiss
Yeah, you assholes pretend you didn't sing along to "Call Me Maybe" all summer.

7. Loztprophetz - Weapons
Loztprophetz have always been one of my favorite bands. "Weapons" combines tha raw take "Fakesoundofprogres", the brilliant riffs of "Start Something", and tha pop sensibility of "Revolution Transmission" and really plays on all their strengths.

6. Birthday Massacre - Hide and Seek

5. Game - Jesus Piece
Somewhat of a concept album, Game shows a mellower side production-wise on this album but he's as aggressive and hungry as ever. Almost every single song features at least one guest appearance which I at first was turned off by but it actually gives each track a fresh feel.

4. Deftones - Koi No Yokan

3. Linkin Park - Living Things
Linkin Park isn't one of my favorite bands yet I truly feel they are tha best band in tha world. They are completely aware of their abilities and strengths and execute tha sound they want to. They've never put out a bad song...they've put out songs I don't LIKE...but not ones that are bad. Living Things may very well be their greatest album. Nothing will ever touch tha right place right time perfection of Hybrid Theory but this is LP hitting their stride.

2. G.O.O.D. Music - Cruel Summer

1. Ke$ha - Warrior
Like there was any chance of any other album being my number one. Ke$ha is tha best artist out today, period. You can't convince me otherwise. She has infectious pop songs that are fun and serious when they need to be but most importantly RELATABLE. No, fuck that; most importantly POSITIVE. ENCOURAGING. Music illicits emotion. Tha world is fucked up. Warrior makes me feel like I can win and that is why it's my #1 album of 2012.

Check out tha liiiines...

You guys...can openers are hard. Yes, tha diving move (an alternative to tha played out 'cannonball'), but in this case, tha kitchen utensil. But in tha midst of feeling worthless 'cause I don't understand tha mechanics of turning tha one thing this way while tha other thing goes tha other way I realized: I'm not tha problem; SOCIETY is tha problem. WHY ARE YOU STILL CANNING FOOD LIKE THIS?! I CAN'T GET A POP TOP?!

These are tha hard-hitting issues I need addressed by my candidates. Taxes? Foreign policy? Not interested. Tell me about things I care about. Tha economy can WAIT; I will vote for whatever candidate's platform includes OPENING THA DISNEY VAULT. Also I want cake pops abolished. Why are you eating one bite of cake on a skewer? WHY are you not just eating a cupcake?! Legit question.

But I can't wait to vote in November!...

What? No not for tha president. For X-Factor. If you're not watching X-Factor this season, fuck you. Straight up. Demi Lovato, Britney Spears, and more hot awkward high schoolers than you can shake a stick at!

[Sidenote: don't try to shake a stick at them, especially near a school zone]. [Side Sidenote: people keep on asking 'WHY BRITNEY SPEARS' but if ya hafta ask why a 12 time Teen Choice Award nominee's a celebrity judge then you don't really understand what tha word "celebrity" means."]

Whenever they say how old they are and it ends in "-teen" tha crowd goes WILD! As if they KNOW what I'm THINKING! If it ain't a teenage babe, it's some dad with a kid trying to make money to support them turning me into Britney TEARS...ya know?!...like crying? Not to mention Demi's hair is like purple and gold. Pretty sure she got all my letters and is flirting with me.

Halloween is coming up y'all! [I'm going as a mouse...duh?] I'm sure lots of girls will try and be mermaids because they say they already are. Oh you're a mermaid? Go breathe underwater then for 10 minutes and get at me. Nah, you just dyed your hair red. And don't get me wrong! I looove girls with red hair. Not so much natural red, but bright and fake like your personality and "love for animals." Hey maybe that's what you can go as for halloween!...

Tha person you pretend to be on tha internet.

Raw is Rainbro: VICKIE POWER!

A.J. is seen 'addressing' Kane, Punk, and Bryan. I was hoping it'd end up being like cardboard cut out from FYE. She's really selling tha whole 'crazy' thing and though I don't necessarily "dig crazy chicks", I am experienced with them! Hi mom.

Vickie is tha GM for tha week and first of all...Vickie is hot. I don't even care. Also she was kind of a member of LayCool at one point so I'm slightly biased. More Vickie normally means more Ziggler so I'm down with all of this so far. She announces a triple threat elimination and this is tha best way to start off Raw. Great wrestling and purposeful story progress. Vickie for president.



Bryan gets tha win here on a weakened Punk which is perfect. It sets up Bryan to claim deserving another title shot, Punk doesn't look weak here because he just beat Kane 10 damn seconds ago, and we get more Punk/Bryan which is a feud I'm okay with lasting longer than tha Undertaker's streak.

AJ comes out which is all she needs to do. She's tha most complex character in wrestling right now (which is...good and bad I guess. For now I'll say good) and she further involves herself in what tha ultimate result of all of this will be. Girl needs new music though. She's a psycho but her music makes you think of a L'Oreal commercial.



Del Rio and Ziggler argue about being #1 contender. Vickie decides on a Contract-On-a-Pole match. Weird, but different! I like it!...well. I accept it!

Next Clay vs. Big Show. This is as slow and boring as you'd get but Big Show takes tha win. Not via chokeslam or WMD but just because he's fat. Tha worst part about this is Clay finally has his first loss and tha announcers don't put it over at all! For weeks...MONTHS "he hasn't been beaten!" and he finally is and they don't say one damn thing. Why wouldn't they use that to further put over Big Show as a heel? Where is Otunga in this? Also, good thing more happened during tha commercial break 'cause I LOVE COMMERCIALS. Stupid.



Brock Lesnar next week will answer Triple H's challenge 2 weeks ago for a match in 7 weeks!



Swagger vs. Jack Swagger. This match was actually not bad! I desperately wanted Swagger to win though because he needs something so he doesn't plummet to irrelevancy without Ziggler now. Santino has made tha U.S. Title worthless as even mentioned by tha announcers saying he hasn't defended tha title in months. Santino is over without tha belt. Either make him a serious competitor in tha ring or give tha title to someone who needs it. Sidenote: I'd be way more into Santino if he changed tha cobra sock from green to gold and came out to Limp Bizkit. And you would too.



Cena comes out to make a HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT. I know it's historic because he told me so. He starts yappin' about Star Wars and then tha best thing happens!!!!! Chris Jericho makes his return, with no Fozzy performance. That's a double positive. Jericho tells Cena to quit being a clown and make his announcement. Then Cena blows my mind by...

ENTERING MONEY IN THA BANK. This actually IS historic and legit excited me. Usually MitB is 6 guys all who are mid-card trying to get their moment to shine but high-profile names like Jericho and Cena in it is huge. Well done.

Jericho gives Cena a reality check that MitB isn't fun and games and Cena shouldn't just assume victory because a ladder match ain't no joke! This rules. I'm psyched. Moving forward.



I love Heath Slater as tha Reverse Legend Killer - where legends kill him. I also love nostalgia and I also love Psycho Sid. Sid Vicious. My dude. JCW. He looks good and I'm glad to see guys like him and Vader getting to come out and squash tha One-Man Rock Band. Short, sweet, to tha point, and really does tha job of keeping us aware and excited about July 23rd's 1000th Episode.



Ziggler and Del Rio battle it out for tha contract on tha pole! I enjoyed tha cat and mouse hot potato between tha 2 at tha end and both of these guys are great in tha ring. Sheamus comes out and says "arses" a bunch but in between announced Smackdown! will have a triple threat (tret) match for tha strap! NICE! Wrestling announced for tha wrestling show! I can dig it.

SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Tha WWE Universe would rather A.J. Lee be with all 3 dudes than just Daniel Bryan. Discuss.



Summertime Divas Battle Royal! A bunch of babes...and Beth Phoenix. In beachwear. I felt like this would have been tha best time to bring Kharma in but she wasn't so instead tha Divas champion gets eliminated but not after stomping Beth's face so I endorse it. Also A.J. hits some BDB "YES! YES! YES!"s further confusing us and making this segment relevant. I'll allow it.

Jericho vs. Cena. A good match between two veterans. Big Show interferes which makes sense to an extent because they'll all be in MitB but why is he still attacking Cena? This is like Nicki Minaj still making songs about Lil' Kim: move on. Kane should have come out since we also know he'll be in tha match and evened tha odds. Hopefully they add 2 more competitors for that match and not leave it at 4 to really make it more dynamic. Guys like Miz and/or Del Rio could really complete this.



So what did we learn?

Bryan vs. Punk at MitB
Clay had his first loss and no one cares.
Triple Threat on Smackdown!
Sid is still psycho.
AJ is still crazy.
Layla is still hot.
Big Show is still fat.