Dial Tones All Day Long

I have some stupid tattoos. And within the next few weeks I'll be getting some even more stupid ones. People always want to come up and talk about other people's tattoos. Yo I'm not a suicide girl. Don't come up and ask to see my shit. And don't call it by some hip name either "ey baby lemme see yr ink." Fuck you. I don't even use ink. I use high fructose corn syrup. Sure it gives me diabetes, but the hues I get out of it is so worth it. But in general I don't want to talk to you, much less about why I have the number 718 on my ribs or a flying zebra wrapping around me. What's even more annoying is older people like "why would you do that to your body?" or "what about when you're an old man?" or "who's gonna love you?" And I'm like...I dunno dad. I was thinkin you and mom? That was the idea.:-(I'm kidding don't feel bad for me. My parents are dead. Couldn't take too much of that bullshit...

I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."

In closing - Saturns are really great cars...







if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.

White-Knuckling Youth

Last weekend I journeyed with to the worthless and uninteresting city of Norfolk (pronounced "nofuck") City located in the Virgin state. And after seeing the girls in VA I see why they're virgins. I understand the Nofuck phonics. Even the scumbag skinhead Navy dudes wouldn't fuck with that. So why did I go there? TWO. SKINNEE. MOTHERFUCKING J'S. (who?) Only the greatest live band of all time. Yes my favorite band decided to white-knuckle youth a little harder than usual and put their costumes on for 2 hours at the Norva. And sure, Eddie Eyeball is nearly bald and pushing 50, the man can still execute both notes of his bassline with fucking prowess.I spoke with Spesh, who I hadn't seen in like 5 years and he was saying that I was all grown up now. And he didn't need a calendar to make that judgement call, all he needed to see was my fucking Blackberry! Proving the point I've been making: blackberry = grownup. I'm sure your sidekick is fun to swivel all day long but it makes you look like a prick. And I've never met anyone with an iPhone...that I didn't hate. Oh and if you have a Blackberry Pearl...you don't have a Blackberry. QWERTY or die faggot. The Pearl is to the Blackberry what Josie and the Pussycats is to Letters to Cleo.

Josie and the Pussycats is a real sick movie though (R.I.P. Rachel Leigh Cook 1999-2001.) Although Rosario Dawson doesn't look too fly in it. Not like her flawlessness in Clerks 2. I can see it now... Me and Rosario talking about ass to mouth on the beach. Yo California beach, not Charleston. What the fuck is with the sand here? Its not even sand its like glitter. And not because it shimmers but because it never gets off you! Once you get sand on you here that is now a part of you. That's why whenever I get a job, I'm going to quit by throwing glitter in the face of my boss. The ultimate fuck you.