I was sent an infographic about how aspartame is poison which Diet Coke is filled with which Taylor Swift peddles to y'all now which in reality makes sense but yo in that commercial where she's singing her hit song about "feeling 22" which is a feeling she obviously knows a lot about facing standard 22 problems like which private jet to take or soft drink to endorse she says she wants to "dress up like hipsters" which is funny for a couple of reasons. ONE...what Tay-Tay is defining as a "hipster" is legit what she represents fashion-wise pretty much nonstop. Her dresses and lil' hats and all that. Adorable.
Swift Beatz ain't tha only culprit. In general tha term "hipster" in 2013 is a parody of itself. In 2005/2006 when all tha girls I wanted to makeout with/made fun of (usually tha same thing anyway) were hipster trash, that shit was real deal. They really were pieces of shit who were super hip and did drugs and listened to import vinyl on their mom's record player and wore cardigans and glasses and incorrectly thought Radiohead was a good band while riding their track bikes and eating kale or roxies or whatever. But now all that was "hipster" is available at JC Penny and Wal-Mart and tha use of tha term is as easily available as a labor worker in tha parking lot of either one of those making it not really "hip" at all but really just pretty normal. Bonnaroo. Pitchfork. "Hip-hop". Kill me.
But girls love Tayside and they LOVE talking about their hair! Long hair don't care/short hair don't care/blonde hair don't care/no hair don't care...GALS: I GET IT. Y'all don't give a FUCK about your hair... and unless it's purple I don't care about it either! But what I do care about is your footwear 'cause I'm over you wearing Jordans or whatever shithead sneaker you think is making you "one of tha boys" because yeh you're one of tha boys meaning I'm gonna eat lunch with you and hit on your sister because we share similar interests like Pretty Little Liars and hating you.
PLL ain't been on tha air in a MINUTE though so I've been filling that void with Power Button aka REVOLUTION. Pretty sure Charlie (boy with a girl name!!! <3) gets tha shit slapped out of her every episode. ALSO did you know Rachel was on Lost? ALSO ALSO DID you KNOW Miles IS in ALL tha TWILIGHTS?!
Sometimes I watch on episode TV shows at houses with big TVs. Here's some examples.
SPOILER ALERT: Tha Great Gatsby is seven hours of Peter Parker telling tha tale of a dude spending his entire life loving a girl and doing everything he can to make her happy but her staying with tha piece of shit who cheats on her... SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT, Y'ALL! Oh yeah and Catch Me If You Can is in it in a dream within a dream's dream.
Pain & Gain is cool because Rock plays a jacked half-retard drug addict just like he is in real life! Tight!
Iron Man 3 is a documentary on why only Joss Whedon and Christopher Nolan should be allowed to make superhero movies starring Robert Downey, Jr. channeling Coke Problem Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark's ghost.
Battlestar 2 or whatever - Yo I never gave no fucks about Star Trek or Star Wars or tha Starland Ballroom or Starfuckers, Inc. but I did like Starrcade and Star Trak and Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold and Shifty from Crazy Town but THA POINT IS goddamn if "Harold and Sylar Go to Space" ain't tha best movie I've seen all year.
Finally I wanna let y'all know that I think I'm in love...
If Jodi Arias wants to get it in once more before she gets put down, I'm ready to give her that lethal injection...IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.(I mean sexual intercourse).
Even if she doesn't get tha death penalty, if she just needs conjugal visit I'm WITH IT. For a few reasons: 1. She's hot. Obvi. TWO I wanna die and C. My juggalo heritage has conditioned me to love murderers. CALL ME JODI! We can start planning our life together after you get out on parole and more importantly maybe you can help me with some household chores I noticed I've been having a tough time with. I went to check my oil in my car, pulled tha dipstick out, & realized...I don't know what tha FUCK I'm doing. What am I even looking at?! Yep! That's an oily gross dipstick! Is my car gonna explode or what?!
As for laundry... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SETTINGS. Warm/Cold, Cold/Cold, Permanent Press (LIE!), Knits/Delicates. There's even settings within settings. I just want my clothes to smell like vanilla lavender and to not have to iron them which I assume is what a dryer is for. Dryers are to ironing boards what microwaves are to ovens...and I put aluminum in all 4.
But perhaps tha most dangerous of all...is applying...THA FITTED BEDSHEET. Holy shit I gotta come at it like a spider monkey sprawled out like a starfish trinna get that elastic to do what I want. Tha Miley Cyrus of bed, bath, and beyond - can't be tamed. But also I don't have any plans on sleeping anyway. I've been taking a NeuroSleep and cyanide capsule every night and no luck. Maybe add some peanut butter?
