If you're still alive, then you're not a Suicide Girl.

Whenever I hear someone say "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not actually smart, I'm imaginary smart". These are likely the same people who don't know that Alaska is part of the United States or that Hannah Monatana and Miley Cyrus aren't really the same person. (what? yes they a-) These people also say they aren't "tech savvy" when you get annoyed that they don't know how to text message. I'm not asking you to re-image the harddrive chief, just press the "2" button until you get to the desired letter and move on. They also post bulletins and shit that say "Don't open a video from 'such and such' because it has a VIRUS!" This amuses me. It should read: "Hey! I'm incapable of basic security and I just royally fucked my computer. Does anyone have a zip file with Twilight and Jack Johnson on it?"

And finally people who wear deep V t-shirts are fucking faggots. And I don't mean 'faggot' like they idolize Cher and fuck each other's boyfriends. I mean faggot like they have Twitter conversations and talk about bike (like BICYLCLE not Biker Mice From Mars bikes) races. And don't get all Wanda Sykes on me and act offended. First of all, Wanda sikes used to fuck dudes because her name used to be Wanda Sykes-Hall. And ya know what? she was funnier then too. I don't care how many actual 'gays' you know. Fact of the matter is, I just hate flat brim, purple Nike mismatched with neon yellow and electric blue sweater, skinnee jeans wearing douche bags. And I like the word 'faggot'! SOOOO:

Fuck you. Fuck your friend's band. Fuck your shitty parents. I will punch you to death.

The Death of Shark Week

I think it's funny that I work with really shitty people. Like...the kind of people I would fight or kill in real life. But I'm pleasant to these faggots for the sake of a nice work environment. Thanks HR! But sometimes they aren't pleasant to each other, or even better - the ones they love don't have the same rules I do. This is the story of such an event. So basically...there's this scumbag monkey looking motherfucker named... well we'll call him Bubbles. I would call him Trixie Kong or Curious George or Flava Flav but I didn't hate those monkeys and I surely hated King Kai's fucking primate Bubbles. So Bubbles sucks and he's married to this FLY bitch. She's latin and probably listens to Shakira but the Spanish versions and she orders her fajitas with the corn tortillas and says vato and gringo alot. Then there's also this disgusting fat fuck named... we'll call her Fat Sweaty Betty. She thinks she's hot but her face looks like its melting. And she's fat. Hence "fat fuck." FSB is also, somehow, married. So Bubbles and Betty. They're fuckin' right. And Bubbles' fly as FUCK wife finds "I love you emails" from FSB to Super Scrub...


and fucking stabs him in the spleen!

Knife. Spleen. Connection. Bam. I think I'm in love. So Bubba comes into work...and I can't stop laughing at this dude. Or making spleen references. Spleen you doing today? How's it spleening out there? I need a new spleensaver. Like yo you got stabbed in the spleen after fucking a fat bitch, you might wanna relocate cause errrbody knows yr bizness. Sidenote: Bubbles' wife's facebook status? "Betty, I'm going to kill you."

EPIC. STOKED.

So what I'm really trying to say is...date a Latin girl. Cause she's down to take blades to a motherfucker if neccessary. And I find that very attractive.