You guys...can openers are hard. Yes, tha diving move (an alternative to tha played out 'cannonball'), but in this case, tha kitchen utensil. But in tha midst of feeling worthless 'cause I don't understand tha mechanics of turning tha one thing this way while tha other thing goes tha other way I realized: I'm not tha problem; SOCIETY is tha problem. WHY ARE YOU STILL CANNING FOOD LIKE THIS?! I CAN'T GET A POP TOP?!
These are tha hard-hitting issues I need addressed by my candidates. Taxes? Foreign policy? Not interested. Tell me about things I care about. Tha economy can WAIT; I will vote for whatever candidate's platform includes OPENING THA DISNEY VAULT. Also I want cake pops abolished. Why are you eating one bite of cake on a skewer? WHY are you not just eating a cupcake?! Legit question.
But I can't wait to vote in November!...
What? No not for tha president. For X-Factor. If you're not watching X-Factor this season, fuck you. Straight up. Demi Lovato, Britney Spears, and more hot awkward high schoolers than you can shake a stick at!
[Sidenote: don't try to shake a stick at them, especially near a school zone]. [Side Sidenote: people keep on asking 'WHY BRITNEY SPEARS' but if ya hafta ask why a 12 time Teen Choice Award nominee's a celebrity judge then you don't really understand what tha word "celebrity" means."]
Whenever they say how old they are and it ends in "-teen" tha crowd goes WILD! As if they KNOW what I'm THINKING! If it ain't a teenage babe, it's some dad with a kid trying to make money to support them turning me into Britney TEARS...ya know?!...like crying? Not to mention Demi's hair is like purple and gold. Pretty sure she got all my letters and is flirting with me.
Halloween is coming up y'all! [I'm going as a mouse...duh?] I'm sure lots of girls will try and be mermaids because they say they already are. Oh you're a mermaid? Go breathe underwater then for 10 minutes and get at me. Nah, you just dyed your hair red. And don't get me wrong! I looove girls with red hair. Not so much natural red, but bright and fake like your personality and "love for animals." Hey maybe that's what you can go as for halloween!...
A.J. is seen 'addressing' Kane, Punk, and Bryan. I was hoping it'd end up being like cardboard cut out from FYE. She's really selling tha whole 'crazy' thing and though I don't necessarily "dig crazy chicks", I am experienced with them! Hi mom.
Vickie is tha GM for tha week and first of all...Vickie is hot. I don't even care. Also she was kind of a member of LayCool at one point so I'm slightly biased. More Vickie normally means more Ziggler so I'm down with all of this so far. She announces a triple threat elimination and this is tha best way to start off Raw. Great wrestling and purposeful story progress. Vickie for president.
Bryan gets tha win here on a weakened Punk which is perfect. It sets up Bryan to claim deserving another title shot, Punk doesn't look weak here because he just beat Kane 10 damn seconds ago, and we get more Punk/Bryan which is a feud I'm okay with lasting longer than tha Undertaker's streak.
AJ comes out which is all she needs to do. She's tha most complex character in wrestling right now (which is...good and bad I guess. For now I'll say good) and she further involves herself in what tha ultimate result of all of this will be. Girl needs new music though. She's a psycho but her music makes you think of a L'Oreal commercial.
Del Rio and Ziggler argue about being #1 contender. Vickie decides on a Contract-On-a-Pole match. Weird, but different! I like it!...well. I accept it!
Next Clay vs. Big Show. This is as slow and boring as you'd get but Big Show takes tha win. Not via chokeslam or WMD but just because he's fat. Tha worst part about this is Clay finally has his first loss and tha announcers don't put it over at all! For weeks...MONTHS "he hasn't been beaten!" and he finally is and they don't say one damn thing. Why wouldn't they use that to further put over Big Show as a heel? Where is Otunga in this? Also, good thing more happened during tha commercial break 'cause I LOVE COMMERCIALS. Stupid.
Brock Lesnar next week will answer Triple H's challenge 2 weeks ago for a match in 7 weeks!
Swagger vs. Jack Swagger. This match was actually not bad! I desperately wanted Swagger to win though because he needs something so he doesn't plummet to irrelevancy without Ziggler now. Santino has made tha U.S. Title worthless as even mentioned by tha announcers saying he hasn't defended tha title in months. Santino is over without tha belt. Either make him a serious competitor in tha ring or give tha title to someone who needs it.
Sidenote: I'd be way more into Santino if he changed tha cobra sock from green to gold and came out to Limp Bizkit. And you would too.
Cena comes out to make a HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT. I know it's historic because he told me so. He starts yappin' about Star Wars and then tha best thing happens!!!!! Chris Jericho makes his return, with no Fozzy performance. That's a double positive. Jericho tells Cena to quit being a clown and make his announcement. Then Cena blows my mind by...
ENTERING MONEY IN THA BANK. This actually IS historic and legit excited me. Usually MitB is 6 guys all who are mid-card trying to get their moment to shine but high-profile names like Jericho and Cena in it is huge. Well done.
Jericho gives Cena a reality check that MitB isn't fun and games and Cena shouldn't just assume victory because a ladder match ain't no joke! This rules. I'm psyched. Moving forward.
I love Heath Slater as tha Reverse Legend Killer - where legends kill him. I also love nostalgia and I also love Psycho Sid. Sid Vicious. My dude. JCW. He looks good and I'm glad to see guys like him and Vader getting to come out and squash tha One-Man Rock Band. Short, sweet, to tha point, and really does tha job of keeping us aware and excited about July 23rd's 1000th Episode.
Ziggler and Del Rio battle it out for tha contract on tha pole! I enjoyed tha cat and mouse hot potato between tha 2 at tha end and both of these guys are great in tha ring. Sheamus comes out and says "arses" a bunch but in between announced Smackdown! will have a triple threat (tret) match for tha strap! NICE! Wrestling announced for tha wrestling show! I can dig it.
SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Tha WWE Universe would rather A.J. Lee be with all 3 dudes than just Daniel Bryan. Discuss.
Summertime Divas Battle Royal! A bunch of babes...and Beth Phoenix. In beachwear. I felt like this would have been tha best time to bring Kharma in but she wasn't so instead tha Divas champion gets eliminated but not after stomping Beth's face so I endorse it. Also A.J. hits some BDB "YES! YES! YES!"s further confusing us and making this segment relevant. I'll allow it.
Jericho vs. Cena. A good match between two veterans. Big Show interferes which makes sense to an extent because they'll all be in MitB but why is he still attacking Cena? This is like Nicki Minaj still making songs about Lil' Kim: move on. Kane should have come out since we also know he'll be in tha match and evened tha odds. Hopefully they add 2 more competitors for that match and not leave it at 4 to really make it more dynamic. Guys like Miz and/or Del Rio could really complete this.
So what did we learn?
Bryan vs. Punk at MitB
Clay had his first loss and no one cares.
Triple Threat on Smackdown!
Sid is still psycho.
AJ is still crazy.
Layla is still hot.
Big Show is still fat.
