Since I can remember I've been allergic to peanut products. I've never had a peanut butter cracker, never bit into a Butterfinger candy bar despite Bart Simpson's constant peer pressure, and I've absolutely never ever ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were to, then my throat would quickly close in a matter of minutes preventing me from one of my least favorite habits: breathing. And apparently, this is a vital part of the living process. But that somehow still doesn't stop dumb white [redundant] people from asking me if I ever crave it. When you're fatally allergic to shit like that...you don't crave it. Peanuts smell like death to me. That's like me asking you "yo, I know you've never eaten out of a portapotty before but do you ever just like CRAVE that?! OH MAN! You don't know what you're missing!" Unless you're a downtown longboarder because I see you faggots eat shit everyday. Sometimes into parked cars but unfortunately, never into each other. Either that or they'll just go on and on about how fucking good PB is and how much it must suck to me because I can't eat it. Well first of all...I CAN eat it! My life my rules! I can do whatever the fuck I want! But I DO NOT eat it. And deucely, JOKE'S ON YOU NOW WHITE PEOPLE! I saw the Congressional testimony! Y'all niggas is FUUUUCKED! You're gonna be chockful of salmonella with typhoid fever and blood comin' out yr ass. I used to think salmonellla was something that made my crotch itch after dating Katlin Reeder back in high school but turns out it's some sort of bacteria found in AIDS victims who went and fucked everything up for the rest of us...wait no...not us. JUST YOU! You pad thai eating fuckers!
I guess there's lots of things I don't eat between being anti-fruit (the smell bad so I assume they taste bad too. I judge.) and vegan. One thing I really hate is other vegans...well other vegans. BUT MORE SPECIF, vegans who refer to all their food with the word "vegan" before it. If you say yo Ima go have some macaroni and cheese, and your hemp bracelet says "Vegan Girls Swallow More :-)" then I will assume that your meal will be vegan. You don't need to tell me "hey I'm going to go eat some vegan macarovegani and vegan cheese vegan. Did I mention I'm vegan? And fucking strict too. I don't eat honey and wear a nuva ring. They're made with gelatin ya know? I know. I mean I know everything about it in both of the months I've made this life decision I'll change my mind about next month when my girlfriends aren't doing it anymore."
None of the dudes on Top Chef would tolerate that kind of bullshit. Except for maybe Carla. Which is why I assume in 5 days on the finale she'll be the main course and possibly the secret ingredient on Iron Chef America. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY! FIGHT ME.
2.20.2009
2.16.2009
Shadaloozer
Gossip Girl what the FUCK! A five week hiatus?! I can't deal with it. I need more Jenny Humprey in my life than once every month and a half. I mean yeah she's what like 14? But I guess I can like older girls this one time. I'm convinced her and Dan's father IS Gossip Girl. 'Cause this motherfucker is NEVER at work. So he has plenty of time to just sit at home and blog it up about bullshit. I mean what a loser right?! Who has time to just sit and rant about...oh...so anyway I'd like to take this time to address some things I'm excited about this year in music and movies. Now what does that really mean to someone whose favorite album of 2007 was Avril Lavigne and favorite movie of MMH8 was Bolt? Well the answer has two parts: 1. everything; 2. Don't fucking sass me or I swear to God I will make you my Rihanna whilst I hum the chorus to "No Air." That's a two-fold punishment. You probably thought I was gonna say hum "Breakin' Dishes" but that would be too obvious. (huh?)
First and foremost: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why is this number one? Welllllllll because it's the soonest. And I have the patience of a piece of shit who rides their bike on the sidewalk has with pedestrians. Yo if you ride your bike on the sidewalk, you're a pussy. Period. Actually if you ride a bike at all, you're a legit faggot anyway unless you're under the age of 13. However, if you're like pushing 30, waiting tables, and worried more about the tattoo sleeve you're gonna get than your rent payment or that your haircut looks like it's from the 1950's (and not the T-Birds, but the dudes who got beat up by them) then you probably need to just get that fixed gear on I-26 and close your eyes, but PLEASE not before refilling my sweet tea and would it be too much trouble for some more bread? We gotta get the recipe for bread. I wanna live in a world where you can just go to a grocery store and buy bread right there ready to eat! Now I know it's been like 15 years since the original Street Fighter and that they're pretty much disregarding that it happened and bypassing the two most popular characters for Chun-Li but godDAMNIT you have to start somewhere. Besides, you know she's gonna do the spinning bird kick. What more do you need? Ryu and Ken? Yeh probably but did I meantion spinning bird kick? I feel like I may have neglected to bring that up. And I don't know if you've heard...I was under the impression everyone had heard. I thought it'd be bigger news. Oh you HAVEN'T heard? Well the spinning bird...is the word. Or for our construction worker friends: La palabra esta el pajaro.
I'm sorry I take that back. That was a little racist and discriminatory. I know it takes all kinds to build a highway. But mi abuelita always told me that Mexicans are a lower form of life than us Venezuelans and if you're calling my nana a liar OH DO WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS!!!!! THAT WOMAN MADE ME CHILE RELLENO FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE! And there was some platanos too but I'd never eat it. I don't eat fruit. I never have eaten a fruit. They're wet for no reason! It weirds me out.
Well all this talk of you beefin' with Nana Cubillan and nauseating fruit has sidetracked me into a state of dry heaves and a strange craving for cheese stuffed peppers...so I'm gonna go fingerblast my throat like it was Taylor Momsen and I'll get back to you later.
First and foremost: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Why is this number one? Welllllllll because it's the soonest. And I have the patience of a piece of shit who rides their bike on the sidewalk has with pedestrians. Yo if you ride your bike on the sidewalk, you're a pussy. Period. Actually if you ride a bike at all, you're a legit faggot anyway unless you're under the age of 13. However, if you're like pushing 30, waiting tables, and worried more about the tattoo sleeve you're gonna get than your rent payment or that your haircut looks like it's from the 1950's (and not the T-Birds, but the dudes who got beat up by them) then you probably need to just get that fixed gear on I-26 and close your eyes, but PLEASE not before refilling my sweet tea and would it be too much trouble for some more bread? We gotta get the recipe for bread. I wanna live in a world where you can just go to a grocery store and buy bread right there ready to eat! Now I know it's been like 15 years since the original Street Fighter and that they're pretty much disregarding that it happened and bypassing the two most popular characters for Chun-Li but godDAMNIT you have to start somewhere. Besides, you know she's gonna do the spinning bird kick. What more do you need? Ryu and Ken? Yeh probably but did I meantion spinning bird kick? I feel like I may have neglected to bring that up. And I don't know if you've heard...I was under the impression everyone had heard. I thought it'd be bigger news. Oh you HAVEN'T heard? Well the spinning bird...is the word. Or for our construction worker friends: La palabra esta el pajaro.
I'm sorry I take that back. That was a little racist and discriminatory. I know it takes all kinds to build a highway. But mi abuelita always told me that Mexicans are a lower form of life than us Venezuelans and if you're calling my nana a liar OH DO WE HAVE SOME PROBLEMS!!!!! THAT WOMAN MADE ME CHILE RELLENO FOR 6 YEARS OF MY LIFE! And there was some platanos too but I'd never eat it. I don't eat fruit. I never have eaten a fruit. They're wet for no reason! It weirds me out.
Well all this talk of you beefin' with Nana Cubillan and nauseating fruit has sidetracked me into a state of dry heaves and a strange craving for cheese stuffed peppers...so I'm gonna go fingerblast my throat like it was Taylor Momsen and I'll get back to you later.
2.02.2009
It just so happens that you live in the ocean...CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB!
That new Beyonce song is LEGIT! I dunno how a diva is the female version of a hustla because I'm pretty sure a hustla is a quad-gender term HOWEVERR....it still knocks in the trunk area. And that's normally where my focus is. You can ask any sea cow (manatee.) But that's not what I'm here to discuss. There are new episodes of the following shows tonight:
Gossip Girl
HEROES
and of course...HEROES. Because I'll DVR it and watch it again. Not to be confused with DMV. The DMV as we both know is where white people go to laugh about parking and tickets and ni-...errr others go to reference how many times they've had their license suspended and that they didn't know the gun was loaded or get hit for $180.00 fines cause maybe you didn't fucking WANT insurance that month! Ever think about that AIG?! I didn't think so. "Oh you didn't pay your premium so we cancelled you." Well FUCK you. I thought this was America where I had FREEDOM. Like the FREEDOM to drive uninsured as long as I didn't report any hit-and-runs in the Harris Teeter parking lot. That's the kind of motherfuckers we're dealing with at the DMV. Rod G from Illinois is probably there right now. They're totally trying him as a minority. No witnesses for this motherfucker. Ain't that just like fucking white people. I mean they record his personal convos and then are like yo he was selling the Senate seat. NO HE WAS NOOOT! He was just talking about it! Throwing out ideas. Some good like selecting a proper candidate who has the respectable credentials...and some bad. Like giving it to the highest bidder. Like when you're talking with your boys about how much you hate your job and you're like well...Dairy Queen is hiring and I DO love those cheesequake blizzards alot, I could try and work things out with my supervisor, ORRRR I could just kill the motherfucker! You weren't gonna kill them!...certainly not on a Monday. Heroes comes on that night and there's no way you're fucking that up.
Gossip Girl
HEROES
and of course...HEROES. Because I'll DVR it and watch it again. Not to be confused with DMV. The DMV as we both know is where white people go to laugh about parking and tickets and ni-...errr others go to reference how many times they've had their license suspended and that they didn't know the gun was loaded or get hit for $180.00 fines cause maybe you didn't fucking WANT insurance that month! Ever think about that AIG?! I didn't think so. "Oh you didn't pay your premium so we cancelled you." Well FUCK you. I thought this was America where I had FREEDOM. Like the FREEDOM to drive uninsured as long as I didn't report any hit-and-runs in the Harris Teeter parking lot. That's the kind of motherfuckers we're dealing with at the DMV. Rod G from Illinois is probably there right now. They're totally trying him as a minority. No witnesses for this motherfucker. Ain't that just like fucking white people. I mean they record his personal convos and then are like yo he was selling the Senate seat. NO HE WAS NOOOT! He was just talking about it! Throwing out ideas. Some good like selecting a proper candidate who has the respectable credentials...and some bad. Like giving it to the highest bidder. Like when you're talking with your boys about how much you hate your job and you're like well...Dairy Queen is hiring and I DO love those cheesequake blizzards alot, I could try and work things out with my supervisor, ORRRR I could just kill the motherfucker! You weren't gonna kill them!...certainly not on a Monday. Heroes comes on that night and there's no way you're fucking that up.
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