Jammin' Jambalaya!

Since I can remember I've been allergic to peanut products. I've never had a peanut butter cracker, never bit into a Butterfinger candy bar despite Bart Simpson's constant peer pressure, and I've absolutely never ever ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were to, then my throat would quickly close in a matter of minutes preventing me from one of my least favorite habits: breathing. And apparently, this is a vital part of the living process. But that somehow still doesn't stop dumb white [redundant] people from asking me if I ever crave it. When you're fatally allergic to shit like that...you don't crave it. Peanuts smell like death to me. That's like me asking you "yo, I know you've never eaten out of a portapotty before but do you ever just like CRAVE that?! OH MAN! You don't know what you're missing!" Unless you're a downtown longboarder because I see you faggots eat shit everyday. Sometimes into parked cars but unfortunately, never into each other. Either that or they'll just go on and on about how fucking good PB is and how much it must suck to me because I can't eat it. Well first of all...I CAN eat it! My life my rules! I can do whatever the fuck I want! But I DO NOT eat it. And deucely, JOKE'S ON YOU NOW WHITE PEOPLE! I saw the Congressional testimony! Y'all niggas is FUUUUCKED! You're gonna be chockful of salmonella with typhoid fever and blood comin' out yr ass. I used to think salmonellla was something that made my crotch itch after dating Katlin Reeder back in high school but turns out it's some sort of bacteria found in AIDS victims who went and fucked everything up for the rest of us...wait no...not us. JUST YOU! You pad thai eating fuckers!


I guess there's lots of things I don't eat between being anti-fruit (the smell bad so I assume they taste bad too. I judge.) and vegan. One thing I really hate is other vegans...well other vegans. BUT MORE SPECIF, vegans who refer to all their food with the word "vegan" before it. If you say yo Ima go have some macaroni and cheese, and your hemp bracelet says "Vegan Girls Swallow More :-)" then I will assume that your meal will be vegan. You don't need to tell me "hey I'm going to go eat some vegan macarovegani and vegan cheese vegan. Did I mention I'm vegan? And fucking strict too. I don't eat honey and wear a nuva ring. They're made with gelatin ya know? I know. I mean I know everything about it in both of the months I've made this life decision I'll change my mind about next month when my girlfriends aren't doing it anymore."

None of the dudes on Top Chef would tolerate that kind of bullshit. Except for maybe Carla. Which is why I assume in 5 days on the finale she'll be the main course and possibly the secret ingredient on Iron Chef America. FUCK YOU BOBBY FLAY! FIGHT ME.