Your Name Is a Killing Word

I have a lot of friends (see: "friends") who have had babies lately or are going to soon and I've noticed that tha traditional names I grew up with are dying or dead.

Back in tha 90's that you guys all seem so over-romantic about you were typically named after some other family member (or two family members shoved together if your parents did lots of drugs) [See: me!]. Sometimes you'd look up a name or virtue in a book. But you and I both know that Americans of all shapes and colors have grown progressively worse at naming children.

It's not enough to give your child a normal name and then them try to stand out on their own merits and character NAH. Now every child needs to be "unique" and "special" from tha moment they wipe off tha amniotic fluid even though all babies look exactly tha same and contribute nothing to society. They don't even KNOW their own name!

There's really 3 categories here:

1. Tha Hybrid - people will shove together two pre-existing names and make a new bastard word like "Julissa" even though chances are if you name your kid Julissa, they're gonna end up giving handjobs in tha Olive Garden parking lot in hopes of a better share of tha tips at tha end of tha night.

2. Tha Alteration - This typically involves tha letter "Y" as in "Y...ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE KIDS." Usually you'll take a name like say...Brandon and make it stay pronounced tha same but spell it like Brayndynn. Don't forget that extra "N" either. That's that Brandon software update. That iOS7 for your name. All tha other Brandon who spell their names with phonics and shit might have parents that love them but they don't have Sametime and Siri.

3. Fictional Characters - I'm so glad Ocarina of Time was so pivotal in your life but you and Baby Majora can fuck right on off. As more and more adults are really just children who are allowed to buy beer and rent cars they get attached to this idea of how cool it is to be "nerdy" which means you go to midnight releases for video games and watch extremely popular film franchises. Tha more clothing items with references to your childhood, tha better too. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles youth large t-shirt? Yeh that still fits you ya fat sack of shit. Go ahead and change that profile pic. And don't get me wrong!...I'm an overgrown child too! I'm just not gonna be naming my first born accidental child Zenon. But that's also because I live so close to a CVS Pharmacy.

So think about your name and realize you're probably one of tha last to have it because this next generation is naming all of theirs kids after Pokemon and shit.

I'll Buy My Own Shirley Temples

eHarmony.com posted 15 Reasons to Date a Bartender. Tha idea of dating a bartender never particularly interested me but let's run down these 15 reasons and see how many reasons there REALLY are.


1. FREE DRINKS

- Oh okay well tha cost of making a Shirley Temple at home is like 10 cents a day so I'll be sure to get psyched on this. :|

2. Matt Damon did. He met his wife, Luciana Barroso, at the bar where she was pouring drinks. They’re now raising four daughters together.

- He also banged that dude in Eurotrip's girlfriend so I don't trust his methods of romance at all!

3. Bartenders work hard for their money. You won’t be dating someone lazy.

- Bartenders probably do "work hard" but they're also working at tha same place they're getting drunk at. And I know that's where that tip money is going towards anyway if you didn't work so c'mon.

4. Because bartenders depend on tips, your date will likely treat other people in the service industry well.

- Great. My Chinese food delivery guy will love her. What's in it for me?

5. Bartenders are patient and aren’t easily fazed. They remain calm around obnoxious behavior on a nightly basis.

- Well I guess that IS a pro that she's patient because we're not going ANYWHERE til this episode of Vampire Diaries is over. 1 outta 5.

6. Bartenders are charming and have mastered small talk.

- I'll keep that in mind if I ever become boring. :|

7. You can swing by your partner’s place of employment without feeling awkward about it.

- I dunno what wouldn't be awkward about "swinging by" to a spot flooded with drunk dudes hitting on my girlfriend.

8. Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Enough said.

- ..g...gay? right?

9. Bartenders are on the receiving end of a lot of empty lip service and drunken flirtations at work. They appreciate relationships of substance at home.

- I guess you don't know how good ya got it til you see how bad it can be. 2 outta 9.

10. They’ve seen it all. So if you’re feeling a little woozy or weepy, it’s not likely to scare them off.

- I don't know what "it all" is referring to. They're a bartender, not Indiana fucking Jones.

11. Bartenders are practically therapists. Having witnessed plenty of dates (and likely having lent a listening ear to many broken-hearted drinkers), your date will have a unique perspective on relationships.

- Probably not a unique perspective on problem solving. (hint: getting wasted)

12. Bartenders often have dreams beyond bartending. Sandra Bullock, Bill Cosby and Bruce Willis all poured drinks as they pursued their current careers. Others want to own their own establishments. (Even if your date has no plans to do anything but bartend, don’t be a career snob. It’s an honest living.)

- Seems like this one cancels itself out at tha end so...

13. You’ll have a few nights a week to yourself.

- THREE OUTTA THIRTEEN!

14. At work, your partner will be the coolest guy/gal in the room. (Dating a bartender isn’t for the insecure. Consider it a compliment that everyone loves your date.)

- I'm not sure I understand tha first part but tha second part seems okay so I'll say 3.5 outta 14.

15. Bartenders are used to taking care of customers, even anticipating their tastes and desires. Make a bartender’s day by buying him/her a drink — elsewhere.

- How about I pour you a glass of water and make some dinner because you smell like gin and cheese fries?

Most of tha time I can get a free Shirley Temple because people are either confused or disgusted and don't want to have a paper trail proving they made one. Now I'm sure there are still wigger goth babes with unnatural hair colors, pale skin, and frowns out there that are bartenders who I'd still love a whole lot! I just don't think tha bartender aspect is gonna do 'em any favors for me. But chances are I'm not tha one they're looking for anyway since I'm under 40 and don't have strong opinions about Sons of Anarchy.

Tha Second Wave White Girl

I watch a lot of movies that would probably be considered "chick flicks" and while watching jams like Jawbreaker and Clueless portrayed within tha stereotypical white girl...until now. See, tha white girl has evolved and I'm not sure who to credit as tha pioneer of it, though I'd have to say Madonna or Britney Spears since they evolved with it but when I was "growing up" playing your local Houses of Blueses and visiting malls around tha country tha white girl was a bunch of flat ass, denim skirt and gaucho wearing, Volkswager Beatle driving, monogrammed sweatshirt havin' spray tanners who valued family prestige and flip-flops over everything else.

But thanks to science, evolution, and rap music white girls are now far more interested in twerking, eyebrows, poppin' molly, hashtags and handbags. I ain't mad at 'em but don't be mad at me like I'm lyin': Miley, Gaga, Katy, and even my goddess K$ are definitely (and sometimes desperately) wanting to be a part of rap culture and a video vixen more than they wanna be Blossom and if you don't know who Blossom is...you probably were born into tha Second Wave as it is and are reading this deeeep in a pumpkin spice latte. The recent boom of EDM in pop culture with dubstep infecting every form of music, film, fashion, and fff...some other f word here. Feathers? FOOTWEAR!!!! also is completing tha second wave white girl circle of life.

On a deeper level basically it's become a much more selfish world for tha white girl. It's all about MY money, MY car, MY eyebrows when half tha time these bitches got way bigger red flags goin' than their EYEBROWS. But it's me me me. Which is hilarious when white girls get matching tattoos with each other because tattoos last FOREVER and their friendships last like...3 months. Nice treble clef; YOU WRITIN' A SYMPHONY WHEN YOU GET HOME OR SOMETHIN'?!

But like I said, I love you and your hair dye, yoga pants, and leggings-as-pants. Thanks for tha butts just...could y'all stop saying tha n-word? I know you think you're friends with Wiz Khalifa but it still makes me cringe.

Infotainment

I was sent an infographic about how aspartame is poison which Diet Coke is filled with which Taylor Swift peddles to y'all now which in reality makes sense but yo in that commercial where she's singing her hit song about "feeling 22" which is a feeling she obviously knows a lot about facing standard 22 problems like which private jet to take or soft drink to endorse she says she wants to "dress up like hipsters" which is funny for a couple of reasons. ONE...what Tay-Tay is defining as a "hipster" is legit what she represents fashion-wise pretty much nonstop. Her dresses and lil' hats and all that. Adorable.


Swift Beatz ain't tha only culprit. In general tha term "hipster" in 2013 is a parody of itself. In 2005/2006 when all tha girls I wanted to makeout with/made fun of (usually tha same thing anyway) were hipster trash, that shit was real deal. They really were pieces of shit who were super hip and did drugs and listened to import vinyl on their mom's record player and wore cardigans and glasses and incorrectly thought Radiohead was a good band while riding their track bikes and eating kale or roxies or whatever. But now all that was "hipster" is available at JC Penny and Wal-Mart and tha use of tha term is as easily available as a labor worker in tha parking lot of either one of those making it not really "hip" at all but really just pretty normal. Bonnaroo. Pitchfork. "Hip-hop". Kill me.


But girls love Tayside and they LOVE talking about their hair! Long hair don't care/short hair don't care/blonde hair don't care/no hair don't care...GALS: I GET IT. Y'all don't give a FUCK about your hair... and unless it's purple I don't care about it either! But what I do care about is your footwear 'cause I'm over you wearing Jordans or whatever shithead sneaker you think is making you "one of tha boys" because yeh you're one of tha boys meaning I'm gonna eat lunch with you and hit on your sister because we share similar interests like Pretty Little Liars and hating you.


PLL ain't been on tha air in a MINUTE though so I've been filling that void with Power Button aka REVOLUTION. Pretty sure Charlie (boy with a girl name!!! <3) gets tha shit slapped out of her every episode. ALSO did you know Rachel was on Lost? ALSO ALSO DID you KNOW Miles IS in ALL tha TWILIGHTS?!



Sometimes I watch on episode TV shows at houses with big TVs. Here's some examples.

SPOILER ALERT: Tha Great Gatsby is seven hours of Peter Parker telling tha tale of a dude spending his entire life loving a girl and doing everything he can to make her happy but her staying with tha piece of shit who cheats on her...  SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT, Y'ALL! Oh yeah and Catch Me If You Can is in it in a dream within a dream's dream.

Pain & Gain is cool because Rock plays a jacked half-retard drug addict just like he is in real life! Tight!

Iron Man 3 is a documentary on why only Joss Whedon and Christopher Nolan should be allowed to make superhero movies starring Robert Downey, Jr. channeling Coke Problem Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark's ghost.

Battlestar 2 or whatever - Yo I never gave no fucks about Star Trek or Star Wars or tha Starland Ballroom or Starfuckers, Inc. but I did like Starrcade and Star Trak and Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold and Shifty from Crazy Town but THA POINT IS goddamn if "Harold and Sylar Go to Space" ain't tha best movie I've seen all year.



Finally I wanna let y'all know that I think I'm in love...

If Jodi Arias wants to get it in once more before she gets put down, I'm ready to give her that lethal injection...IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

(I mean sexual intercourse).

Even if she doesn't get tha death penalty, if she just needs conjugal visit I'm WITH IT. For a few reasons: 1. She's hot. Obvi. TWO I wanna die and C. My juggalo heritage has conditioned me to love murderers. CALL ME JODI! We can start planning our life together after you get out on parole and more importantly maybe you can help me with some household chores I noticed I've been having a tough time with. I went to check my oil in my car, pulled tha dipstick out, & realized...I don't know what tha FUCK I'm doing. What am I even looking at?! Yep! That's an oily gross dipstick! Is my car gonna explode or what?!

As for laundry... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SETTINGS. Warm/Cold, Cold/Cold, Permanent Press (LIE!), Knits/Delicates. There's even settings within settings. I just want my clothes to smell like vanilla lavender and to not have to iron them which I assume is what a dryer is for. Dryers are to ironing boards what microwaves are to ovens...and I put aluminum in all 4.



But perhaps tha most dangerous of all...is applying...THA FITTED BEDSHEET. Holy shit I gotta come at it like a spider monkey sprawled out like a starfish trinna get that elastic to do what I want. Tha Miley Cyrus of bed, bath, and beyond - can't be tamed. But also I don't have any plans on sleeping anyway. I've been taking a NeuroSleep and cyanide capsule every night and no luck. Maybe add some peanut butter?

Top 25 Albums of 2012

Now that 2012 is over, I thought I'd be narcissistic and tell you guys what my favorite albums of tha year were. My favorite doesn't necessarily mean BEST but I'm always right about everything (outside of spelling) so actually yes it does.

25. Strife - Witness a Rebirth
This album makes tha list based purely on it sounding like a Strife album and tha numetal credentials of Marc Rizzo guest appearances. Strife was always ahead of tha curve and in 2012 they sound more relevant than ever.

24. Sleigh Bells - Reign of Terror
Tha dichotomy between tha crunching guitars and pop grace on this album is awesome and they really hone their craft with what was started on their last release.

23. Grimes - Visions
My obsession with cybergoth brought me to Grimes' video for tha song "Genesis" (which is tha most cybergoth shit I've ever SEEN) and at first came off as a novelty to me but really this album is dense in layers of different moods and atmospheres that really are pretty cool and more than just a cyborg pop gimmick.

22. Xibalba - Hasta La Muerte

21. Minus tha Bear - Infinity Overhead

20. Every Time I Die - Ex-Lives

19. Insane Clown Posse - Tha Mighty Death Pop

18. Dirty Ghosts - Metal Moon

17. Cattle Decapitation - Monolith of Inhumanity
Cattle Decapitation are legends at this point in their career and could easily rest on their laurels but this might be tha best in their discography. Tha riffs are catchy, tha lyrics skip from animal liberation to casting spells, and tha songs feel more brutal than ever. Best metal album of tha year by far.

16. Propagandhi - Failed States

15. Stone Sour - House of Gold and Bones, Part 1
I never liked Stone Sour before and always saw it as one of tha weaker Slipknot side projects especially compared to Murderdolls and I was right but a few albums deep they have finally NAILED it. This album is so impressive between tha songwriting and textures that it makes everything else they'd been doing prior like a demo. Excited to hear if they can keep up tha momentum with Part 2 in 2013.

14. Big K.R.I.T. - Live from tha Underground

13. Cher Lloyd - Sticks + Stones

12. Papa Roach - Tha Connection
Papa Roach's early work, namely "Infest" was huge for me in my early years but I really hadn't been able to connect (get it?) with their last 2 or 3 albums. With "Tha Connection" they added a slight, tasteful electronic element to tha music which isn't overpowering but is enough to give them a fresh take on what they had been kind of phoning in tha past few years. Anthemic choruses and uptempo instrumentals add to it to make songs like "Still Swinging" some of tha best of tha year.

11. Twiztid - Abominationz

10. Bridgit Mendler - Hello My Name Is...

9. Fabolous - S.O.U.L. Tape 2

8. Carly Rae Jepsen - Kiss
Yeah, you assholes pretend you didn't sing along to "Call Me Maybe" all summer.

7. Loztprophetz - Weapons
Loztprophetz have always been one of my favorite bands. "Weapons" combines tha raw take "Fakesoundofprogres", the brilliant riffs of "Start Something", and tha pop sensibility of "Revolution Transmission" and really plays on all their strengths.

6. Birthday Massacre - Hide and Seek

5. Game - Jesus Piece
Somewhat of a concept album, Game shows a mellower side production-wise on this album but he's as aggressive and hungry as ever. Almost every single song features at least one guest appearance which I at first was turned off by but it actually gives each track a fresh feel.

4. Deftones - Koi No Yokan

3. Linkin Park - Living Things
Linkin Park isn't one of my favorite bands yet I truly feel they are tha best band in tha world. They are completely aware of their abilities and strengths and execute tha sound they want to. They've never put out a bad song...they've put out songs I don't LIKE...but not ones that are bad. Living Things may very well be their greatest album. Nothing will ever touch tha right place right time perfection of Hybrid Theory but this is LP hitting their stride.

2. G.O.O.D. Music - Cruel Summer

1. Ke$ha - Warrior
Like there was any chance of any other album being my number one. Ke$ha is tha best artist out today, period. You can't convince me otherwise. She has infectious pop songs that are fun and serious when they need to be but most importantly RELATABLE. No, fuck that; most importantly POSITIVE. ENCOURAGING. Music illicits emotion. Tha world is fucked up. Warrior makes me feel like I can win and that is why it's my #1 album of 2012.