Fatal Four-Way for tha Tag Team Championships
Now let's take a look at each of these teams first: Los Matadores wear masks and are spic'ish so points for that but really aren't as sick as they should be being related to Carlito. I pop for tha backstabber everytime though. Tha Uso's are a really cool entrance who don't know how syllables work and in all reality are kinda fat but not as fat as they should be because they're Samoan so tha fact they jump at all is impressive. They also get points for face paint which speaking of facepaint I LOVE STARDUST MORE THAN ANYTHING. He came out looking like Ronald McDonald on this event but he's tha best. His falling star where he just scream and falls backwards is tha coolest and Goldust is still cool even though he doesn't kiss boys or kick dudes in tha nuts anymore. So that leaves Damien Mizdow and Miz Mizzanin.
I'm not a Miz hater but he's had two cool moments for me in his what? Like 36 years of being on TV at this point? Sandow is a fucking workhorse and I think this stunt double shit is awful but Sandow is so over from doing NOTHING. People love him! And it's so cool. It reminds me of some sorta crossbreed (Synthetic Division) between Zach Ryder and Daniel Bryan grassroots fame. I know, some of you are wondering who Zack Ryder is but I promise he was on your souvenir cups not too long ago.
Anyway Mizdow and Miz won after a pretty exciting match which is hard to fuck up with 4 teams of smaller guys but I hope this leads to Miz and Sandow having a serious conflict and catapulting Sandow into main event territory and Miz to the USA Network Made for TV Movie world he belongs in.
Team Paige vs. Team Natalya Elimination Match
I love women's wrestling, I love Paige, and I love to sing-a about tha moon-a and tha June-a and tha spring-a but this match sucked and is not worth even talking about. Two mismatched teams struggled through a worse-and-longer-than-it-should-have-been match with zero story or purpose. Paige shoulda just said words with "O"s that sound like "R"s for 8 minutes instead. Not kidding. Book it.
HOWEVER...this match was worth it for Tyson Kidd alone who is quickly becoming my favorite character. Between his douchebag over-tha-ear headphones, cat face on his knee pads, taking selfies during his wife's match with butts, and tha fact we have identical bodies I think I finally found a wrestler who gets me.
Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt
Yo this match was so sick. Ambrose and Wyatt legit beat tha hell out of each other and some of these clotheslines made me actually cringe from tha impact. Some super cool spots aside from Bray decapitating Dean is Dean imitating the Exorcist walk and also the elbow drop ONTO A STANDING BRAY WYATT as if Dean Ambrose was cosplaying some WWF No Mercy for Nintendo 64 and I back it.
Bray desperately needed to look sick after his past calendar year of bullshit but hopefully this is the start of that because I want more of this. Tha finish comes when Bray is frustrated Ambrose won't say die and goes to his well of goading tha "babyface" to attack him while he has his guard down but tha difference here is that unlike Cena of tha less interesting version of Daniel Bryan, Ambrose isn't REALLY a babyface in tha sense he's a not a good person. He shrugs his shoulders and wallops Bray with all kinds of chairs and tables followed by pulling out tha actual stairway to heaven and climbing it for no good reason. I was waiting for him to elbow drop a turnbuckle and tell Bray "IF THIS IS WHAT I'LL DO TO MYSELF IMAGINE WHAT I'LL DO TO YOU, DUDE" but he just stood there which is equally as nonsensical but in a way I can appreciate.
Definitely looking forward to tha sequel and more importantly that they build on this story. Tha whole "Hey Dean! Your dad is in jail!" thing is kinda weak but I'd be real into Dean starting to talk about Bray's dad.
In canon, that is. I'm not trying to see Bo Dallas and Bray's dad come out but holy shit if Bo Dallas cost Dean tha match at TLC and starts telling people to "Follow tha BOzzards" just shut up and send me tha coffee mug. I DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE!
Adam Rose & Tha Bunny vs. Slater Gator
How come. Adam Rose has so much to be able to explore as far as character and rivalries and at tha bottom of that list is feuding with a Bunny for over a month in a story that is LITERALLY "We're on a team but you fucked me over in this match"...
FOR A MONTH, MAN! Go to step 2! Either reveal tha bunny, kill tha bunny, get them on tha same page and annihilate someone but SOMETHING! Maybe have Adam Rose morph back into Leo Kruger and hunt tha bunny. Build that feud to Mania to coincide with Easter and reveal tha bunny as Peter Cottontail Jesus Christ and have Adam/Leo atoned for his sins despite killing tha allegory bunny. Mel Gibson as guest referee.
Divas Championship: Nikki Bella vs. AJ Lee
I've historically always hated tha Bellas especially when I'm supposed to be cheering them because they're also historically tha worst human beings. Tha Divas division in general is impossible to decipher who is heel or face because they're all shitty or "crazy" or banging tha same dude as a storyline or whatever.
That being said, Nikki Bella has been KILLING it lately and is quickly becoming tha best woman in tha company who isn't related to Ric Flair. I felt cheated out of an actual match with AJ but I'm pretty psyched to see Nikki get tha belt and maybe actually do something with it. Brie helped her sister because, surprise, they've been sisters unified in being shitty hand in hand for years.
It's kind of confusing that they did tha kiss with Brie and AJ to allude to tha kiss at WrestleMania 30 between AJ and Daniel Bryan...ya know...tha guy who is both in real life and on screen Brie's husband? But uh...BRIE MOOODE!!!
Right? :|
Team Cena vs. Team Authority
Let me preface this match by saying I absolutely love it, think it is 5 stars, and have watched it several times to make sure I just wasn't caught in tha moment. This is my favorite match since Punk vs. Cena at Money in tha Bank 2011. It had everything, wasn't overbooked (in spite of itself) and even without tha breath-taking furniture breaking finish, would have still been incredible.
- Big Show turning was a swerve in tha sense that somebody turned AND also Cena was eliminated meaning he had nothing to do with tha end of tha match. It wasn't a swerve in tha sense that if anyone is gonna turn of course it's Big Show. He's actually so stupid and disloyal though he probably thought he really was on Team Authority and had no idea Henry was too.
- Cena eliminated absolutely nobody, he is nothing short of insufferable when he's standing on a ring apron waiting for a hot tag, and leaves tha ring are WHILE multiple people are beating up his teammate, Dolph Ziggler, whose job he has put in jeopardy. But yeh, he's tha good guy! :|
- Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper only lasted for about 5 seconds here but you can tell that one day that match-up is gonna bring tha house down which is INSANE because when Bray debuted with them no one thought they were sick and now Harper is one of the best on tha roster and Rowan has all tha potential to be tha Sheamus I always wanted. Ya know...tha one who doesn't talk much.
- I don't even like Rusev but I know he rules. He's never lost a match, never cheats, is brown-ish but has a white girlfriend with a phat ass, eats shit (unrelated to tha previous point) [probably] on a table trying to take out tha obvious Team Cena MVP of Ziggler and still almost makes it back into tha ring before a 10-count. He doesn't wear shoes and feet are gross so I frown on that and he kinda looks like a fat Santino but I'ma go ahead and endorse him anyway.
So anyway tha fucking finish. Ziggler coming back and beating tha Authority with a 3-to-1 disadvantage after everything mentioned above is an amazing match and tha best thing they've done in forever on its own. If Randy Orton would have come to exact tha revenge it would have been predictable, but logical and tha match still would have been awesome. If Bo Dallas would have come down and made tha save for Team Cena it would have been unpredictable and illogical but I'd still advertise it as tha best thing to happen to me since tha Ashlee Simpson Show got renewed for a second season. But no...
STING.
Sting on a screen? Pretty cool. Enough of a shock to throw Trips off for a second while Dolph steals a win.
Sting in tha ring? Really cool. If I were Hunter I'd probably back off too. Who knows where that jacket has been.
STING. Tha absolute face of WCW and tha anti-thesis of WWE for his entire career. In tha RING with Triple H, a member of Degeneration X during Sting's peak years and tha shoot COO of WWE. Tha best current representative of what Sting clashed with or avoided for actual decades.
And giving that man a sick as fuck SCORPION DEATH DROP to put him out of power?!
If WWE had a series finale, this would be it. But unfortunately...
RAW happened.
:|
