INTERSTELLAR - A (Spoiler-Free) Film Review

Interstellar for those of you that don't know, is a movie about Matthew McConaughey (tha dick salesman from Magic Mike) and Anne Hathaway (you know...tha ugly Natalie Portman?) being launched into space so they can't make any more movies thus saving tha world.

It...it wasn't...it was...um...okay! I got it:


Let's say you have this faaaavorite smoothie spot right. We'll say it's called "Christopher Nolan." And you go there and you're like yo! Lemme get that banana smoothie that you make that I love! And Christopher Nolan is like yeh man! No probz! And then hands you...

A glass of water. And you're like oh no dude I wanted a smoothie and he's like "yeah! Yeah that's it!" but...but it's not. It's just room temperature water.

Is it something to drink? Yeh. Does it quench your thirst? Sure. But you wanted that smoothie man. You coulda gotten something more exciting than water from John Wick.

So that's what Interstellar is: an ambiguously tepid glass of water served to you by a smoothie spot.

:|

Slipknot - .5: Tha Gray Chapter

AN ALBUM REVIEW

Slipknot, for those of you who don't know, is tha most popular band in tha world who some people like to believe are still some niche audience thing because they remember making fun of people who liked them 15 years ago, but don't remember Ozzfest.

This album is an absolute chore to listen to coming in at 16 tracks, most of which exceed 5 minutes but not a single one of these opuses is Master of Puppets. In fact most of tha album plays out like a post-nu Finger Eleven than anything resembling Metallica.

People (like me) like to throw around tha term "dad-rock" a lot for bands like Five Finger Death Punch, 3 Doors Down, and Nickelback but I heard tha new Nickelback single last night ("Standing of tha eeeedge of a revolutionnnn!") and it definitely rocks harder than anything on this album so I think I might categorize tha Gray Chapter as a MY DAD-ROCK record. As in my dad, whose favorite band is Neil Diamond, would probably think this is sick \nn/

Now they aren't all misses. There's about 5 songs on here that don't suck like tha pre-released "Negative One" that's reminiscent of earlier better times but between not being able to take 40+ year old millionaires whining about how hard life is (and NOT wearing clown makeup while doing it) and tha music and pansey singing Corey Taylor forces into songs causing me to think he's about to sing about THA TROOPS at any second, it's hard for me to connect with this on any real level.

Tha Gray Chapter is what happens when you lose two integral members and replace your raddest and nuest with tha dude from Bruce Springsteen's son. Tommy Lee wasn't available? I fucking bet he was! And I bought his solo record and Methods of Mayhem so I know he knows no shame! Call him up!

Over all I give this joint a generous 4.5 out of 10 ; four of which because there's turntables on two songs and ".5" because puns of tha title. I CAN'T RESIST!!

:|

Don't Suck: Part 3

It really bothers me...like REALLY bothers me when someone know that a person is shitty, articulates those feelings, and then gives that person attention.

Attention, positive or negative, can have a huge impact on somebody. If a shitty person never had any attention they'd probably re-evaluate what they needed to do to get it. And when you give it to them, you're saying "hey it's okay that you suck because I'll still talk to you!"

But it's not okay. It keeps tha shitty people shitty and tha good people on PAR with tha shitty ones. And it really pisses me right tha fuck off.

So be selfish with who you give your time to and make sure they're worth that time because you may not know who you're encouraging to keep sucking or discouraging from being tha difference.

Twenty. Four. Teen. Ugh.

Don't Suck: Part 2

Did you get rid of that shitty "friend"? Good. Feels good right? Probably have some extra cash now from tha gas you saved this week from not having to pick them up and drive them to Chipotle so what's tha next step?: CHOOSE A HOBBY!

Hobbies are cool because they're like friends who are available on your schedule and usually don't try to fuck your girlfriend!...usually. So what hobby to pick? Here's a couple options.

COLLECTING - this one is tha easiest because it essentially just requires you to pick something you like and put it on a shelf. When I was younger and living in Pomona I collected Chevron cars! Ya know like tha lil' cars with faces on 'em? Well they stopped production on them a couple years ago right around tha time my heart stopped producing hope! Coincidence?! PROBABLY!

INSTRUMENT - this is a fun one because you don't have to be good at it to be successful! Don't believe me? Listen to Radiohead. Also every shithead bar in America needs someone to play Wonderwall during their food&beverage night so you'll never be unemployed!

SPORTS - most/all sports are fake like hockey, football, and even my beloved basketball because that's tha only way tha Spurs lost to tha Heat last year or that tha Globetrotters win EVERY GAME but some are real! Tennis is real and has cool outfits and hot foreign babes and back in '03 I perfected my game at tha YMCA in Brooklyn while patenting my signature move: tha Unnecessary Leap Overhead Smash. Don't get caught slippin'! Yung Agassi out here!

COOKING - more specifically baking. More specifically veeg cheesecake. Most specifically for me. I'm hungry!!

Now of course there's other hobbies like guns and drugs and Star Wars but those are all for people who have nothing left to live for and most of them 'cause an unpleasant odor and that's not for you, pal! So go out there and make me a cheesecake!

2014.

Don't Suck: Part 1

Remove some toxic piece of shit from your life this week. You know who I'm talking about. They probably wear a lot of flannel or v-necks. Always taking you for granted and you let them stick around because you've known them forever or they "mean well"...

Fuck that. They're gone. They're mold. And I don't eat cheese so mold just won't do. They stand you up for dinners. They make you pay for their Red Bull. They thought Anchorman 2 was really funny. THEY'RE MOLD.

And don't replace that friend. Tha secret to fitness is having no friends!

2014.

Your Name Is a Killing Word

I have a lot of friends (see: "friends") who have had babies lately or are going to soon and I've noticed that tha traditional names I grew up with are dying or dead.

Back in tha 90's that you guys all seem so over-romantic about you were typically named after some other family member (or two family members shoved together if your parents did lots of drugs) [See: me!]. Sometimes you'd look up a name or virtue in a book. But you and I both know that Americans of all shapes and colors have grown progressively worse at naming children.

It's not enough to give your child a normal name and then them try to stand out on their own merits and character NAH. Now every child needs to be "unique" and "special" from tha moment they wipe off tha amniotic fluid even though all babies look exactly tha same and contribute nothing to society. They don't even KNOW their own name!

There's really 3 categories here:

1. Tha Hybrid - people will shove together two pre-existing names and make a new bastard word like "Julissa" even though chances are if you name your kid Julissa, they're gonna end up giving handjobs in tha Olive Garden parking lot in hopes of a better share of tha tips at tha end of tha night.

2. Tha Alteration - This typically involves tha letter "Y" as in "Y...ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE KIDS." Usually you'll take a name like say...Brandon and make it stay pronounced tha same but spell it like Brayndynn. Don't forget that extra "N" either. That's that Brandon software update. That iOS7 for your name. All tha other Brandon who spell their names with phonics and shit might have parents that love them but they don't have Sametime and Siri.

3. Fictional Characters - I'm so glad Ocarina of Time was so pivotal in your life but you and Baby Majora can fuck right on off. As more and more adults are really just children who are allowed to buy beer and rent cars they get attached to this idea of how cool it is to be "nerdy" which means you go to midnight releases for video games and watch extremely popular film franchises. Tha more clothing items with references to your childhood, tha better too. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles youth large t-shirt? Yeh that still fits you ya fat sack of shit. Go ahead and change that profile pic. And don't get me wrong!...I'm an overgrown child too! I'm just not gonna be naming my first born accidental child Zenon. But that's also because I live so close to a CVS Pharmacy.

So think about your name and realize you're probably one of tha last to have it because this next generation is naming all of theirs kids after Pokemon and shit.

I'll Buy My Own Shirley Temples

eHarmony.com posted 15 Reasons to Date a Bartender. Tha idea of dating a bartender never particularly interested me but let's run down these 15 reasons and see how many reasons there REALLY are.


1. FREE DRINKS

- Oh okay well tha cost of making a Shirley Temple at home is like 10 cents a day so I'll be sure to get psyched on this. :|

2. Matt Damon did. He met his wife, Luciana Barroso, at the bar where she was pouring drinks. They’re now raising four daughters together.

- He also banged that dude in Eurotrip's girlfriend so I don't trust his methods of romance at all!

3. Bartenders work hard for their money. You won’t be dating someone lazy.

- Bartenders probably do "work hard" but they're also working at tha same place they're getting drunk at. And I know that's where that tip money is going towards anyway if you didn't work so c'mon.

4. Because bartenders depend on tips, your date will likely treat other people in the service industry well.

- Great. My Chinese food delivery guy will love her. What's in it for me?

5. Bartenders are patient and aren’t easily fazed. They remain calm around obnoxious behavior on a nightly basis.

- Well I guess that IS a pro that she's patient because we're not going ANYWHERE til this episode of Vampire Diaries is over. 1 outta 5.

6. Bartenders are charming and have mastered small talk.

- I'll keep that in mind if I ever become boring. :|

7. You can swing by your partner’s place of employment without feeling awkward about it.

- I dunno what wouldn't be awkward about "swinging by" to a spot flooded with drunk dudes hitting on my girlfriend.

8. Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Enough said.

- ..g...gay? right?

9. Bartenders are on the receiving end of a lot of empty lip service and drunken flirtations at work. They appreciate relationships of substance at home.

- I guess you don't know how good ya got it til you see how bad it can be. 2 outta 9.

10. They’ve seen it all. So if you’re feeling a little woozy or weepy, it’s not likely to scare them off.

- I don't know what "it all" is referring to. They're a bartender, not Indiana fucking Jones.

11. Bartenders are practically therapists. Having witnessed plenty of dates (and likely having lent a listening ear to many broken-hearted drinkers), your date will have a unique perspective on relationships.

- Probably not a unique perspective on problem solving. (hint: getting wasted)

12. Bartenders often have dreams beyond bartending. Sandra Bullock, Bill Cosby and Bruce Willis all poured drinks as they pursued their current careers. Others want to own their own establishments. (Even if your date has no plans to do anything but bartend, don’t be a career snob. It’s an honest living.)

- Seems like this one cancels itself out at tha end so...

13. You’ll have a few nights a week to yourself.

- THREE OUTTA THIRTEEN!

14. At work, your partner will be the coolest guy/gal in the room. (Dating a bartender isn’t for the insecure. Consider it a compliment that everyone loves your date.)

- I'm not sure I understand tha first part but tha second part seems okay so I'll say 3.5 outta 14.

15. Bartenders are used to taking care of customers, even anticipating their tastes and desires. Make a bartender’s day by buying him/her a drink — elsewhere.

- How about I pour you a glass of water and make some dinner because you smell like gin and cheese fries?

Most of tha time I can get a free Shirley Temple because people are either confused or disgusted and don't want to have a paper trail proving they made one. Now I'm sure there are still wigger goth babes with unnatural hair colors, pale skin, and frowns out there that are bartenders who I'd still love a whole lot! I just don't think tha bartender aspect is gonna do 'em any favors for me. But chances are I'm not tha one they're looking for anyway since I'm under 40 and don't have strong opinions about Sons of Anarchy.