First lemme make it clear that I couldn't care less about who the president is. As long as neither have a platform that is gonna prevent Avril Lavigne from making albums or Degrassi from going off the air then it doesn't affect me. Why? Cause I'm a draft dodger. But after the election the other day I'm highly upset with the results...
Oh no not who won. I mean the resulting attitudes of the dumb white people I saw the day after. Now it's one thing to be bummed out that Obama won but to be SURPRISED? I mean of course the faggot state I live in went to McCain. But that's only because the residents of South Carolina are racist and live in 1870. But yo you were SURPRISED?! OH WORD?! Um... lemme ask you this.
Go to the mall recently? Did you walk by the airbrush station? Could you purchase a Palin Power t-shirt or a McCain Is Our Main visor? Nah son. But I fucking bet you could cop an Obey Obama tall-tee all day long innit? Obama was a pop culture figure. Some people don't even know even today who McCain is. But you were surpised...
So anyway I was washing my Obey Obama shirt the other day (oops!) and I was throwing it in with my socks, which are ankle cut, never any higher unless they're thigh fucking high, and my red VzW stuff and my roommate starts freaking the fuck out. "You have to seperate your whites and colors!" And I said fuck that we're at war. They're all going in at once. I mean for all I know, this whole whites and reds seperation thing could just be a rumor I've been blindly following. And you can't base things on rumors. Like Red Bull gives you wings? The fuck it does. That never happened to me. And if anyone deserves wings it's me. They don't even hand em out on airplanes anymore cause some Suckit (a new noun I'm trying out) pricked himself with em. Basically there's this huge conspiracy to keep me from getting wings. I think that's what I'm really getting at here. And I won't stand for it. I'll fly for it though. (HA! See what I did there? Pretty treach. [prounounced "trech" like "treacherous."...it's an adjective I'm trying out.])
::sigh:: But alas... I can't fly. Instead of wings I got feet. And something you might not know about me? I fucking hate feet. But I only hate them because they're disgusting. And because I hate feet...I also hate dudes who wear flip-flops. Also you might have noticed that uh...it's fucking November. So unless your last name is "Of Nazareth" there's really no reason you should be still wearing flip-flops anyway.
I'd tell you more but I have to go watch Gossip Girl and drink Crunk!!! juice. Simultaneously. Nose closed.
Stay treach. (see?! This word is versatile.)
11.10.2008
9.08.2008
Palin
I just heard and saw Palin for the first time last week. This is a direct quote from her speech, that she gave to America, as a vice-presidential (OF THE UFUCKINGNITED STATES) candidate: ::ahem:: "do you know the difference between a pitbull and a soccer mom? The lipstick."
No Palin, that's the difference between you and Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, that's where the fuck you belong - On the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Not in a position of power. You look like Tina Fey's fat transexual son! THIS BITCH SKINS ELK! Or caribou! Or something! FUCK!
Democratic women don't like Palin. I know you think that they do - false. What DO democratic women like? Abortion and Hilarry Clinton. And sometimes pussy. Although they might still be on the fence. See they were jello shootin' pretty hard at a party recently and that goddamn Katy Perry song came in and they couldn't help themselves and now they're shopping for pencil skirts. Anyway Palin doesn't like any of those things. Democratic women only listen to Hilarry! Hil could be like yo, all you bitches read all the Harry Potter books by this weekend and get a tattoo on your throat of Daffy Duck and those bitches would be doing Expecto Patronum spells talkin' bout "You're Despicable." So please don't think Palin is shit aight dawg?
I mean look at the bitch's family. There's the youngest daughter who's in her matching pink with pink on pink. Very girly. That's cute. Then there's the middle daughter. There's really nothing to say about her because she's the MIDDLE daughter meaning no one loves her anyway. She's hardly a person, but she's smiling which is good and hiding the track marks and that's important! Then there's the oldest daughter. She's named after a Bay. Because that's what you do when you're white - name your children after landmarks. I was excited to see her because I heard she was pregnant so I assumed she was gonna be hot enough that SOMEONE fucked her while she was still at pep rallies for the high school lacrosse team. Not the case. I mean you'd think they'd slide her $400 and get that shit taken care of before this campaign. Third trimester or not. If its not born yet, then its fixable.
Speaking of abortion, Urban Outfitters needs to step their game up. Where's my "I <3 Abortion" shirt? The back can say "Problem Solved" and come in 17 zany colors like electric yellow and tangelo. And then faggots can wear them with other clothes that have 7 or 8 colors on them and they'll think its macthing. Because not matching is the new macthing. Print em up.
No Palin, that's the difference between you and Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, that's where the fuck you belong - On the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Not in a position of power. You look like Tina Fey's fat transexual son! THIS BITCH SKINS ELK! Or caribou! Or something! FUCK!
Democratic women don't like Palin. I know you think that they do - false. What DO democratic women like? Abortion and Hilarry Clinton. And sometimes pussy. Although they might still be on the fence. See they were jello shootin' pretty hard at a party recently and that goddamn Katy Perry song came in and they couldn't help themselves and now they're shopping for pencil skirts. Anyway Palin doesn't like any of those things. Democratic women only listen to Hilarry! Hil could be like yo, all you bitches read all the Harry Potter books by this weekend and get a tattoo on your throat of Daffy Duck and those bitches would be doing Expecto Patronum spells talkin' bout "You're Despicable." So please don't think Palin is shit aight dawg?
I mean look at the bitch's family. There's the youngest daughter who's in her matching pink with pink on pink. Very girly. That's cute. Then there's the middle daughter. There's really nothing to say about her because she's the MIDDLE daughter meaning no one loves her anyway. She's hardly a person, but she's smiling which is good and hiding the track marks and that's important! Then there's the oldest daughter. She's named after a Bay. Because that's what you do when you're white - name your children after landmarks. I was excited to see her because I heard she was pregnant so I assumed she was gonna be hot enough that SOMEONE fucked her while she was still at pep rallies for the high school lacrosse team. Not the case. I mean you'd think they'd slide her $400 and get that shit taken care of before this campaign. Third trimester or not. If its not born yet, then its fixable.
Speaking of abortion, Urban Outfitters needs to step their game up. Where's my "I <3 Abortion" shirt? The back can say "Problem Solved" and come in 17 zany colors like electric yellow and tangelo. And then faggots can wear them with other clothes that have 7 or 8 colors on them and they'll think its macthing. Because not matching is the new macthing. Print em up.
8.28.2008
Dial Tones All Day Long
I have some stupid tattoos. And within the next few weeks I'll be getting some even more stupid ones. People always want to come up and talk about other people's tattoos. Yo I'm not a suicide girl. Don't come up and ask to see my shit. And don't call it by some hip name either "ey baby lemme see yr ink." Fuck you. I don't even use ink. I use high fructose corn syrup. Sure it gives me diabetes, but the hues I get out of it is so worth it. But in general I don't want to talk to you, much less about why I have the number 718 on my ribs or a flying zebra wrapping around me. What's even more annoying is older people like "why would you do that to your body?" or "what about when you're an old man?" or "who's gonna love you?" And I'm like...I dunno dad. I was thinkin you and mom? That was the idea.:-(I'm kidding don't feel bad for me. My parents are dead. Couldn't take too much of that bullshit...
I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."
In closing - Saturns are really great cars...
if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.
I know around this time all the assholes who's parents pay their tuition/rent/car/16 year old girls I think are too old for me all go back to school and I see it all the time. Its not cool to be excited about going back to school. This shit isn't USA High. There's no sock hops. You aren't gonna win the science fair because some kid named Gilbert or Stephan is gonna build an actual spaceship and return with moon rocks and an Ed Hardy t-shirt (cause that's where Ed Hardy is manufactured - the moon.) Oh you'll get to see your friends?! Yo if they only hangout with you at school...they aren't your friends. So please quit lieing to me with yr bulletins about how thrilled you are to be a senior or to "get serious this year."
In closing - Saturns are really great cars...
if your first name is "Afaggot."Good suspension, decent gas mileage, and a Kelly Blue Book value of zero pussy.
8.12.2008
White-Knuckling Youth
Last weekend I journeyed with to the worthless and uninteresting city of Norfolk (pronounced "nofuck") City located in the Virgin state. And after seeing the girls in VA I see why they're virgins. I understand the Nofuck phonics. Even the scumbag skinhead Navy dudes wouldn't fuck with that. So why did I go there? TWO. SKINNEE. MOTHERFUCKING J'S. (who?) Only the greatest live band of all time. Yes my favorite band decided to white-knuckle youth a little harder than usual and put their costumes on for 2 hours at the Norva. And sure, Eddie Eyeball is nearly bald and pushing 50, the man can still execute both notes of his bassline with fucking prowess.I spoke with Spesh, who I hadn't seen in like 5 years and he was saying that I was all grown up now. And he didn't need a calendar to make that judgement call, all he needed to see was my fucking Blackberry! Proving the point I've been making: blackberry = grownup. I'm sure your sidekick is fun to swivel all day long but it makes you look like a prick. And I've never met anyone with an iPhone...that I didn't hate. Oh and if you have a Blackberry Pearl...you don't have a Blackberry. QWERTY or die faggot. The Pearl is to the Blackberry what Josie and the Pussycats is to Letters to Cleo.
Josie and the Pussycats is a real sick movie though (R.I.P. Rachel Leigh Cook 1999-2001.) Although Rosario Dawson doesn't look too fly in it. Not like her flawlessness in Clerks 2. I can see it now... Me and Rosario talking about ass to mouth on the beach. Yo California beach, not Charleston. What the fuck is with the sand here? Its not even sand its like glitter. And not because it shimmers but because it never gets off you! Once you get sand on you here that is now a part of you. That's why whenever I get a job, I'm going to quit by throwing glitter in the face of my boss. The ultimate fuck you.
Josie and the Pussycats is a real sick movie though (R.I.P. Rachel Leigh Cook 1999-2001.) Although Rosario Dawson doesn't look too fly in it. Not like her flawlessness in Clerks 2. I can see it now... Me and Rosario talking about ass to mouth on the beach. Yo California beach, not Charleston. What the fuck is with the sand here? Its not even sand its like glitter. And not because it shimmers but because it never gets off you! Once you get sand on you here that is now a part of you. That's why whenever I get a job, I'm going to quit by throwing glitter in the face of my boss. The ultimate fuck you.
7.13.2008
Beryl
I just got a friend request from someone named "Beryl." I mean she obvi wasn't a real person (cause real recognize real) but it DID remind me of Queen Beryl....ya know...the villain from the first season of Sailor Moon? C'mon people. Anyway I just really miss when Sailor Moon was the only girl who could complicate my life, whether it be re-runs or maybe she was fucking up or maybe USA rescheduled her. I guess really more Sailor Saturn affected me because I had a crush on her but who can resist a petite dark haired girl with an accent and C-cup breasts and a PERFECTLY drawn ass right? Don't give me that "uh...dude that was a carto-" YOU SHUT IT! Anyway what was I saying?
It probably wasn't important. I've been pretty much living off of Ramen noodles lately. You might call it something different like "Cup of Noodles" or "Yakisoba" but it all means the same thing - you're poor. So recently I've noticed that they've been making ramen a little fancier. At Grocery Store X the other day I saw what was called "Choice Ramen." Instead of the normal $.09 cents a pack this shit was like $.40. So I sprung the extra cash and hit it up. IT IS DOUBLE PACKAGED! And the noodles are like yellower. And the seasoning packet is a crumble instead of a powder. Why did I tell you this. BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD. Leave ramen alone! If I wanted fancy food I'd eats something that didn't have 144 carbs per serving.
I've been watching Saved By the Bell a lot lately too (because sitting in a room eating ramen in SILENCE would be a little weird) and I've decided I really want to date a girl that works at the Max. Those bitches are always fly and they cut their shirts. Not to mention that Lisa Turtle was wearing purple and red jeans way before American Apparel was feeding them to you en masse. I'd persue Kelly Kapowski but when she became Valerie on 90210 I kind of lost interest. I heard recently that Jessie did porn? Ironic.
E.v.a. recorded a new song. It should be up in the next couple of days. It's about specific highlights in the career of Mandy Moore. ACTING career that is. No "Candy" or "Walk Me Home" here. Although I wouldn't mind a So Real II. I'm pretty down with sequels. For example - I'm psyched out of my mind about The Dark Knight. (Heath is lucky his death didn't push back the release date or I would have revived that motherfucker and guided his body through a fucking table saw and no bat signal or lance-wielding horseback knight in the world would be able to save him.)
Although chances are if you saw Hellboy II I don't care for you as a person.
It probably wasn't important. I've been pretty much living off of Ramen noodles lately. You might call it something different like "Cup of Noodles" or "Yakisoba" but it all means the same thing - you're poor. So recently I've noticed that they've been making ramen a little fancier. At Grocery Store X the other day I saw what was called "Choice Ramen." Instead of the normal $.09 cents a pack this shit was like $.40. So I sprung the extra cash and hit it up. IT IS DOUBLE PACKAGED! And the noodles are like yellower. And the seasoning packet is a crumble instead of a powder. Why did I tell you this. BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD. Leave ramen alone! If I wanted fancy food I'd eats something that didn't have 144 carbs per serving.
I've been watching Saved By the Bell a lot lately too (because sitting in a room eating ramen in SILENCE would be a little weird) and I've decided I really want to date a girl that works at the Max. Those bitches are always fly and they cut their shirts. Not to mention that Lisa Turtle was wearing purple and red jeans way before American Apparel was feeding them to you en masse. I'd persue Kelly Kapowski but when she became Valerie on 90210 I kind of lost interest. I heard recently that Jessie did porn? Ironic.
E.v.a. recorded a new song. It should be up in the next couple of days. It's about specific highlights in the career of Mandy Moore. ACTING career that is. No "Candy" or "Walk Me Home" here. Although I wouldn't mind a So Real II. I'm pretty down with sequels. For example - I'm psyched out of my mind about The Dark Knight. (Heath is lucky his death didn't push back the release date or I would have revived that motherfucker and guided his body through a fucking table saw and no bat signal or lance-wielding horseback knight in the world would be able to save him.)
Although chances are if you saw Hellboy II I don't care for you as a person.
7.03.2008
Fierce Nipple Pierce
I really want to go to a theme park. I've never been to Disney World before.
I know. Let that shock wear off. Whenever I tell anyone that I always have them say like "Omgggg WHAT! It's the best place ever! I go every year every June every hour on the hour! My family always lets me go and bring 23 of my friends and it's the best moments of my life! You should go!" Oh word? Can I go wi- "I meant with someone that isn't me." Oh..word...
I used to never wanna go to theme parks. But that's because I didn't ride rides. You all have that friend that is a fucking pussy about roller coasters. And they never tell you that shit til you're already at Carowinds standing in line for Batman: The Ride. Yeah that used to be me. But now that every day I wish I was dead, that fear of roller coasters has transformed into a win-win situation.
Ladysmith Black Mambazo, my black Jetta turbo is like ska - fucking dead. I've been riding around in my new friend, Killa Camry. That motherfucker is some '09 shit. Now I know you're thinkin to yourself and maybe even outloud "But ryan, it's two thousand eig-" STOP RIGHT THERE! 1. It's Two Thousand HATE; 2. I drive future shit. I'm on some not even out yet shit. Just because I live MMH8, doesn't mean I can't ride MM9. I'm pretty sure if I hit 88mph in this I can land in the parking lot of Twin Pines Mall.
Someone tell me why A*Teens is so fucking good. Is it cause their drums don't come at me with the POOF? Is it cause all their shit is floorfillers? Is it cause I wanna fuck the blonde one? Maybe even the girl. It could be their piano interludes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! But I know it's sick. On the same sickness as LFO and B*Witched. Approaching Michelle Branch pre-country revolution. What the fuck is that anyway Michelle? Oh you love country now? Fuck you, I love hooks.
E.v.a. recorded a song in a living room the other day which you can checkout at http://www.myspace.com/evaH8. It's also in my links which is to the...right? To the right of this txt. It's pretty ridiculous and very 1999. We'll be recording more songs actually this weekend that are considerably more intense and "serious" but equally as dated and nonsensical.
I family double dare any of you to fuck with me in Puzzle Fighter or Puzzle Kombat.
In closing, Steve Correll isn't funny, Emmure fucking sucks, and WALL-e is cinematic perfection.
I know. Let that shock wear off. Whenever I tell anyone that I always have them say like "Omgggg WHAT! It's the best place ever! I go every year every June every hour on the hour! My family always lets me go and bring 23 of my friends and it's the best moments of my life! You should go!" Oh word? Can I go wi- "I meant with someone that isn't me." Oh..word...
I used to never wanna go to theme parks. But that's because I didn't ride rides. You all have that friend that is a fucking pussy about roller coasters. And they never tell you that shit til you're already at Carowinds standing in line for Batman: The Ride. Yeah that used to be me. But now that every day I wish I was dead, that fear of roller coasters has transformed into a win-win situation.
Ladysmith Black Mambazo, my black Jetta turbo is like ska - fucking dead. I've been riding around in my new friend, Killa Camry. That motherfucker is some '09 shit. Now I know you're thinkin to yourself and maybe even outloud "But ryan, it's two thousand eig-" STOP RIGHT THERE! 1. It's Two Thousand HATE; 2. I drive future shit. I'm on some not even out yet shit. Just because I live MMH8, doesn't mean I can't ride MM9. I'm pretty sure if I hit 88mph in this I can land in the parking lot of Twin Pines Mall.
Someone tell me why A*Teens is so fucking good. Is it cause their drums don't come at me with the POOF? Is it cause all their shit is floorfillers? Is it cause I wanna fuck the blonde one? Maybe even the girl. It could be their piano interludes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! But I know it's sick. On the same sickness as LFO and B*Witched. Approaching Michelle Branch pre-country revolution. What the fuck is that anyway Michelle? Oh you love country now? Fuck you, I love hooks.
E.v.a. recorded a song in a living room the other day which you can checkout at http://www.myspace.com/evaH8. It's also in my links which is to the...right? To the right of this txt. It's pretty ridiculous and very 1999. We'll be recording more songs actually this weekend that are considerably more intense and "serious" but equally as dated and nonsensical.
I family double dare any of you to fuck with me in Puzzle Fighter or Puzzle Kombat.
In closing, Steve Correll isn't funny, Emmure fucking sucks, and WALL-e is cinematic perfection.
6.17.2008
Somothamuthafucka
Dudes who are actually tough don't wear Tapout shirts. Only fucking pussies who shop at the mall feel the need to advertise their 'toughness.' I realize you watched UFC last weekend so you think you're gonna be a Brazilian jiu-jitsu pro but it aint happening. the same goes for those faggots with pictures of brass knuckles on their shit. Fuck you. You also eat bitch food, like Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts. What is NOT bitch food, is fucking Amy's frozen dinners and shit. Holy Gawd. Amy's is the only frozen food, and this is scientifically proven according to a survey I made up to prove this point, that you straight up CRAVE. No one wakes up at 3am and is like "dang (cause no one says 'dang' anyway) I sure could go for a lean cuisine right now" or "ughhh I'd kill for a Hungryman." NO! That shit does not take place! What DOES happen is like 8pm you're chillin' out watchin Scrubs re-runs, waiting for the Family Guy episode you've seen 13 times to come on TBS cause ohhhh that silly Peter Griffin! and all of the sudden you NEED a breakfast burrito so you go to Whole Foods and stuff as many as you can in your Bane hoodie you got in 8th grade...
Yo if you PAY for shit at Whole Foods...you make me sick. They have a no chase policy ergo I have a no pay policy.
Anyway, I digress. I went to this "Blue's Night" thing downtown last night and to my horror as I entered I saw 100% white people. I immediately left. Why? Because white people don't know shit about the blues! White people don't have shit to be sad about except maybe Princess Diana and the cancelling of M*A*S*H. I'd add Mother Theresa to that but white people forgot about her since Diana died like RIGHT after her and duhhh Theresa was ugly. The pretty people get remembered. Ugly people don't matter in any society.
Yo if you PAY for shit at Whole Foods...you make me sick. They have a no chase policy ergo I have a no pay policy.
Anyway, I digress. I went to this "Blue's Night" thing downtown last night and to my horror as I entered I saw 100% white people. I immediately left. Why? Because white people don't know shit about the blues! White people don't have shit to be sad about except maybe Princess Diana and the cancelling of M*A*S*H. I'd add Mother Theresa to that but white people forgot about her since Diana died like RIGHT after her and duhhh Theresa was ugly. The pretty people get remembered. Ugly people don't matter in any society.
5.12.2008
Jewish People Driving German Cars
I'm not Jewish. Not that I hate Jewish people, they just are kind of like Mexicans and liars - hellbound. My car, Ladysmith Blackmambazo, has decided to be a negro and not my nigga. This made me think of what kind of new car I'd like. Could someone please make an electric or hybrid car that does NOT look like a spaceship from Planet Queerazfuck? Sure it gets 50 miles to the gallon but it also looks like Rip Taylor's exercise bike. I'm thinking a Honda Civic hybrid. That should be able to get me going green and some roadhead. And she'll be all "no I have a boyfriend" and I'll be all like "it said 'it's complicated' on your facebook" and she'll be like "IT IS!"
Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.
I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?
Listen, the "it's complicated" option should be reworded. Lemme guess...you're fucking more than one guy? "OMGGG how'd you know?!" Yeah its not that complicated. I've cracked the code.
I'll keep this brief, just know that the E.V.A. EP is coming this June. For those of you who don't know, E.V.A. is the collaborative musical juggernaut between myself and Dave of Robo Reptar fame. Some may call him "Black Dave." I do not. What the fuck does E.V.A. stand for anyway?
4.29.2008
Miss Rap Supreme Ep. 3
What the FUCK Serch?! How you gonna tell my girl Lionezz to step off. Did you even hear Bree's rhyme? It was whack. She used the phrase "time of the month." Lionezz even was finally getting props from the other cast. She spits fire like Cinder doing an ember in Killer Instinct and this is an outrage! Serch you were wearing a postman outfit talkin about swagger! I swear to God in heaven I'm gonna cut your body in half with the edge of a nickel. I know it can be done, I saw it on CSI: New York. Not the original one, but New York. And a nickel doesn't even have very good ridges on the side, so that's gonna be quite a jagged incision. God I hate you Serch. And quit showin love to Nicky2States! I don't care how phat her ass is (lie), her voice is annoying and her shit is staccato (I took piano lessons, I know what staccato is)! On a sidenote though: Miss Cherry kilt it on the elimination. I was impressed. I couldn't understand most of what she said because of her lisp but the flow of it was hot so I was convinced it was right. Kinda like listening to M.I.A. or my Taco Bell order being read back to me.
4.23.2008
Drop Trou
I was watching Miss Rap Supreme the other night, supporting the fuck out of Chiba and Lionezz and getting a rage blackout about MC Serch...(this motherfucker decides what's cool? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER 3RD BASS?! This nigga is corny! He had a hightop fade. And on the episode I watched he had fucking slippers on! FUCK!)... I saw a commercial with YOUR friend (not mine) Chuck Norris talkin it up about the Total Gym. So Chuck endorses the Total Gym but...he also endorsed Mike Huckabee. So that tells me that the Total Gym probably isn't that reliable, has a poor tax cut program, and is homophobic. Kind of like my teachers in grade school...
Man grade school was sick. Sailor Moon, Deftones, and all the cargo shorts I could handle. When I was in school I kept track of when it started and ended by two days, which I was told were "holidays." School started around Labor Day and ended near Memorial Day. I thought that's what those days were for. Turns out Memorial Day is an actual holiday. Why though, would we have a holiday for people who suck at their job? Yo you were a soldier and didn't dodge that bullet. Now you're dead.. PROPS! Nah fuck that. You don't keep your Target discount when you get fired. We don't have a celebration for all the pregnant 15 yr old Puerto Ricans at McDonald's who couldn't handle the fryer. So why the fuck would we have Memorial Day? I guess white people need an excuse to eat a burger and a bratwurst in the same sitting to not feel guilty.
In entertainment news, Tina Fey's new movie is coming out. This is Tina's first movie since co-starring and writing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!...Mean Girls. That alone is reason enough for me to want to "Two Become One" her but in this movie...she can't get pregnant! Talk about a dream come true.
Man grade school was sick. Sailor Moon, Deftones, and all the cargo shorts I could handle. When I was in school I kept track of when it started and ended by two days, which I was told were "holidays." School started around Labor Day and ended near Memorial Day. I thought that's what those days were for. Turns out Memorial Day is an actual holiday. Why though, would we have a holiday for people who suck at their job? Yo you were a soldier and didn't dodge that bullet. Now you're dead.. PROPS! Nah fuck that. You don't keep your Target discount when you get fired. We don't have a celebration for all the pregnant 15 yr old Puerto Ricans at McDonald's who couldn't handle the fryer. So why the fuck would we have Memorial Day? I guess white people need an excuse to eat a burger and a bratwurst in the same sitting to not feel guilty.
In entertainment news, Tina Fey's new movie is coming out. This is Tina's first movie since co-starring and writing THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!...Mean Girls. That alone is reason enough for me to want to "Two Become One" her but in this movie...she can't get pregnant! Talk about a dream come true.
4.18.2008
Trail Mix...
3-17-MMH8
weirds me the fuck out. HAS to be invented by white people. Only white people would drop like $5 on a bag of nuts and shit. I mean the title alone "TRAIL MIX." Oh you mean this shit was on the ground and you were nice enough to pick it up and sell it to me? Oh why thank you. Fuck off and give me some fiery hot funyons. Not really. That sounds ironic doesn't it? FIERY HOT and FUN don't really seem like they'd be associated with each other. Or onions for that matter. Gross. Speaking of green beer what's up with St. Patrick's Day? I'm not really too clear on what Patty did. I assume he got really drunk a lot? All I know is the Irish people were like decimated by the lack of a potato. Pretty fucking picky. When I got to Sesame and they're out of fries I don't just starve. I select another option. It's filed under "sides" Irish people. Jesus Christ on the cross [I miss andrei.] But I guess people do need an excuse to listen to Flogging Molly because otherwise it IS completely unacceptable. No exceptions. Dropkick Murphy's are okay because they're tough as shit and because I stagedived off the HOB when I was like 12 during "Lights Out!" and for that brief moment in time that I was airborn I almost forgot how fucking terrible the Casualities were that night. But only almost.
weirds me the fuck out. HAS to be invented by white people. Only white people would drop like $5 on a bag of nuts and shit. I mean the title alone "TRAIL MIX." Oh you mean this shit was on the ground and you were nice enough to pick it up and sell it to me? Oh why thank you. Fuck off and give me some fiery hot funyons. Not really. That sounds ironic doesn't it? FIERY HOT and FUN don't really seem like they'd be associated with each other. Or onions for that matter. Gross. Speaking of green beer what's up with St. Patrick's Day? I'm not really too clear on what Patty did. I assume he got really drunk a lot? All I know is the Irish people were like decimated by the lack of a potato. Pretty fucking picky. When I got to Sesame and they're out of fries I don't just starve. I select another option. It's filed under "sides" Irish people. Jesus Christ on the cross [I miss andrei.] But I guess people do need an excuse to listen to Flogging Molly because otherwise it IS completely unacceptable. No exceptions. Dropkick Murphy's are okay because they're tough as shit and because I stagedived off the HOB when I was like 12 during "Lights Out!" and for that brief moment in time that I was airborn I almost forgot how fucking terrible the Casualities were that night. But only almost.
4.13.2008
Bradberry
I noticed on other blogs that they use lots of media like pictures and videos to give better insight as to what they're talking about. This has inspired me; I mean...not enough to actually take the time to do it but enough to think about it. Besides, what would I have pictures of? The Coal Chamber rarities collection I purchased? Mexicans? I don't think Mexicans can even be photographed. They're like vampires. Which might make for some pretty sweet shots. A stolen bike riding itself while cat calling to fat ugly (redundant) white girls could get me some awards. Not that I respect people that steal bikes - Steal a fucking car. What's worse is these hipster trash white kids who spend more of these stupid road and track bikes than most teens do on their first Camry. The only reason a grown ass man should be riding a bike is to deliver me my sesame tofu. And goddamnit I said no peas or onions. Why would peas even go with that?! No that does NOT mean no broccoli! Fuck why are your eyes so close together you worthless chi-...err...I enjoy my gook food. I mean my oriental cuisine. Or whatever.
After my last entry, I received a lot of messages asking me about veganism and why I decided to take that turn. Well the answer is simple: I fucking hate animals. I hate them. So much in fact, that I refuse to let them be in my life to the point of even eating them. Besides, why should they get to be the lucky ones to die? That's why I'm always jealous of my cell phone.
After my last entry, I received a lot of messages asking me about veganism and why I decided to take that turn. Well the answer is simple: I fucking hate animals. I hate them. So much in fact, that I refuse to let them be in my life to the point of even eating them. Besides, why should they get to be the lucky ones to die? That's why I'm always jealous of my cell phone.
4.08.2008
Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.
Now some of you may not know this, but I'm vegan. As fuck actually. That's the scientific genus phylum of my veganism: "as fuck." And basically what that means is, that I don't know what good food tastes like anymore. I have forgotten it's scumtrulescent flavors and delicacies and no longer enjoy Monster Thickburgers or jalapeno poppers. Nay. This takes an amazing discipline. Why you may ask? BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING EAT CHEESE! Have you ever not eaten cheese? No you haven't. I smell that Baby Bell cheese wheel in your pocket right now. So sometimes the subject of me being vegan will come up and ALWAYS some dumb bitch will say something like "oh you're vegan? I totally relate to your plight. I don't eat red meat." Oh really? CAUSE I DON'T EAT CHEESE! You're no martyr! Do you know what a grilled cheese taste like without cheese? It tasted like untoasted bread because I don't know how to preheat an oven and I'm not allowed to touch the toaster after a MINOR non-violent incident involving a pop-tart. I was cruising around (yeah, I "cruise" faggots. My car has a turbo engine and I own a Juvenile CD from 1999. We cruise ok?) near my house the other day with my adopted farther X-Wad and a cop pulls us over damn near in my driveway. He pulls us out of the car and starts searching it. I'm like ey pimpin, if I wanted some bacon (which I don't. It tastes good so I don't eat it) I'da gone to IHOP, what's the deal? He says he looking for heroin. X says "HEROIN?! This motherfucker over here doesn't even eat CHEESE!" Which is ANOTHER reason I hate white people.
You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."
No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.
So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"
...
I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.
Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?
No. They don't.
You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."
No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.
So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"
...
I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.
Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?
No. They don't.
4.01.2008
Mutilation is the most sincerestest form of flattery.
03-31-MMH8
Some may not know this but my dawg not like my dog like my friend but like my friend my dawg, I don’t even like him enough to hate him. The first meaningful, non-racist, thing he ever said to me was "kill yourself." That meant a lot-- he was willing to consider the life I have, had and may have enough to make a judgment on what I should do with it. At first, I wasn’t concerned with his life enough to proactively discuss his fate; my accountant handled that kind of thing for me. I put my energy into finding new and creative ways to tell him how I might hate him if I liked him in the first place...
One fateful day at Juanita Greenburg’s my friend E. vom Matthew Mark Luke John Mary vom L. Esq. II choked on his vegan (synonymous with "I no longer know what good food tastes like") burrito. The rest of his swell friends expressed concern. I saw an opportunity! "Let it happen" I told him as his chokes became more frequent. "Don’t fight it, this is natural" I whispered as he turned purple. "Run to the tunnel-- you’ve completed your journey on this side" when he didn’t have enough air left to cough. He hadn’t been choking as much as he had been laughing.... I failed.
As time went on, I realized that wishing him death only served to contribute to his joke.... and what did that do for the joke (I’m pointing.)? I had to change my tactics. So I wished him a long life. I told him to breathe long, breath hard and breathe STRONG! Where before I might have recommended that he get in his car, drive head-on towards a similar car and let it happen.... I wished longevity. He told me he’d bought me an oxygen tank for my birthday. The next time he pissed me off, I assured him that he’d have a life vest by the end of the week. Tomorrow, I’m signing him up for full coverage health care.
Point being: Death is the easy way out. I pray for it daily. And the Lord answers prayer. Sometimes with a "no."
Also the Lord forgives!!!
I do not. MMH8.
Some may not know this but my dawg not like my dog like my friend but like my friend my dawg, I don’t even like him enough to hate him. The first meaningful, non-racist, thing he ever said to me was "kill yourself." That meant a lot-- he was willing to consider the life I have, had and may have enough to make a judgment on what I should do with it. At first, I wasn’t concerned with his life enough to proactively discuss his fate; my accountant handled that kind of thing for me. I put my energy into finding new and creative ways to tell him how I might hate him if I liked him in the first place...
One fateful day at Juanita Greenburg’s my friend E. vom Matthew Mark Luke John Mary vom L. Esq. II choked on his vegan (synonymous with "I no longer know what good food tastes like") burrito. The rest of his swell friends expressed concern. I saw an opportunity! "Let it happen" I told him as his chokes became more frequent. "Don’t fight it, this is natural" I whispered as he turned purple. "Run to the tunnel-- you’ve completed your journey on this side" when he didn’t have enough air left to cough. He hadn’t been choking as much as he had been laughing.... I failed.
As time went on, I realized that wishing him death only served to contribute to his joke.... and what did that do for the joke (I’m pointing.)? I had to change my tactics. So I wished him a long life. I told him to breathe long, breath hard and breathe STRONG! Where before I might have recommended that he get in his car, drive head-on towards a similar car and let it happen.... I wished longevity. He told me he’d bought me an oxygen tank for my birthday. The next time he pissed me off, I assured him that he’d have a life vest by the end of the week. Tomorrow, I’m signing him up for full coverage health care.
Point being: Death is the easy way out. I pray for it daily. And the Lord answers prayer. Sometimes with a "no."
Also the Lord forgives!!!
I do not. MMH8.
Cops and queers.
03-2H8-MMH8
This past weekend was Easter. The celebration of Jesus changing his mind. Earth must have been pretty fucking bangin’ back in B.C. because Jesus T.F. Christ died right? Got fucking nailed up and went to HEAVEN...and then he got there and was like I GOTTA GET BACK TO EARTH! He changed his mind about heaven. That’s pretty intense. What else is Rock of Love 2. I’m pretty sure we need to work out a contract where it’s totally legit for the girls to fight on there. And while we’re at it, they should all get a knife. First person to cut out someone else’s implant is the winner. Bret pees on all the losers, so really everyone wins. Especially America. It’s getting so close to Ms. Rap Supreme! I can barely contain myself. The 80 hours of work a week help me. However, that’s all about to change. I’m about to put my whiteface on and join corporate America. But this is how I can infiltrate niggerdom from the inside. Coogi sweaters and Gucci belt buckles while I use my PDA. Back in my day PDA got you suspended from 4th grade, now days it gets you email and the weather. I really wanna go to the zoo. I haven’t seen my boy Spot the Zebra in too long. I know he misses me. You know I’m the only person to ever domesticate the zebra? It’s true. Not only is it true, it’s amazing. And science.
This past weekend was Easter. The celebration of Jesus changing his mind. Earth must have been pretty fucking bangin’ back in B.C. because Jesus T.F. Christ died right? Got fucking nailed up and went to HEAVEN...and then he got there and was like I GOTTA GET BACK TO EARTH! He changed his mind about heaven. That’s pretty intense. What else is Rock of Love 2. I’m pretty sure we need to work out a contract where it’s totally legit for the girls to fight on there. And while we’re at it, they should all get a knife. First person to cut out someone else’s implant is the winner. Bret pees on all the losers, so really everyone wins. Especially America. It’s getting so close to Ms. Rap Supreme! I can barely contain myself. The 80 hours of work a week help me. However, that’s all about to change. I’m about to put my whiteface on and join corporate America. But this is how I can infiltrate niggerdom from the inside. Coogi sweaters and Gucci belt buckles while I use my PDA. Back in my day PDA got you suspended from 4th grade, now days it gets you email and the weather. I really wanna go to the zoo. I haven’t seen my boy Spot the Zebra in too long. I know he misses me. You know I’m the only person to ever domesticate the zebra? It’s true. Not only is it true, it’s amazing. And science.
Kat Von D
02-15-MMH8
Bitch you are NOT cute. When I go to FYE to buy a calendar I wanna see Lindsay Lohan and Eliza Dushku and that girl from Enchanted and maybe that girl who works at Whole Foods. Usually aisle like 3 or 4. But NOT you. Your voice is deep as fuck, your mouth is weird looking when you talk, and the faggot you date is straight outta Foghat. I'm going to schedule my Wholly City tattoo appointment with you just to punch you in the throat. And I'll do it on TV. And then I'll get my own show called Judge Ryan Rainbro but there won't be a fucking courtroom. Just me flying around America delivering justice to Winona Ryder and Shia LeBouf. But that doesn't mean I won't neccessarily have a gavel to swing on people with.
Bitch you are NOT cute. When I go to FYE to buy a calendar I wanna see Lindsay Lohan and Eliza Dushku and that girl from Enchanted and maybe that girl who works at Whole Foods. Usually aisle like 3 or 4. But NOT you. Your voice is deep as fuck, your mouth is weird looking when you talk, and the faggot you date is straight outta Foghat. I'm going to schedule my Wholly City tattoo appointment with you just to punch you in the throat. And I'll do it on TV. And then I'll get my own show called Judge Ryan Rainbro but there won't be a fucking courtroom. Just me flying around America delivering justice to Winona Ryder and Shia LeBouf. But that doesn't mean I won't neccessarily have a gavel to swing on people with.
Goodbye Africa. Hello High School.
01-31-MMH8
So someone came in today talking about Hilarry Clinton being the next president of the united states. Yo women can't be leaders. Read a book. Bring back Alan Keyes. He was black enough for me. Obama reminds me of my uncle. My UNCLE TOM. And kids quit rocking for Darfur and shit. Invisible children? If I can't see them they aren't real, just like Jesus, Larisa Oleynik aka Alex Mack's n00dz, and the Voltron live action movie. As far as Darfur, they signed treaties months ago and besides, no good pop song ever came out of Darfur or its conflict. Since U Been Gone? Kelly's AMERICAN boyfriend. Floorfiller by A-Teens? Weak club bangers. Now there's a real crisis in the world. C'est La Vie by B*Witched? DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. But more importantly than any of that:...
P.S. - Jesus is totally real and he loves you. Deal with it.
So someone came in today talking about Hilarry Clinton being the next president of the united states. Yo women can't be leaders. Read a book. Bring back Alan Keyes. He was black enough for me. Obama reminds me of my uncle. My UNCLE TOM. And kids quit rocking for Darfur and shit. Invisible children? If I can't see them they aren't real, just like Jesus, Larisa Oleynik aka Alex Mack's n00dz, and the Voltron live action movie. As far as Darfur, they signed treaties months ago and besides, no good pop song ever came out of Darfur or its conflict. Since U Been Gone? Kelly's AMERICAN boyfriend. Floorfiller by A-Teens? Weak club bangers. Now there's a real crisis in the world. C'est La Vie by B*Witched? DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. But more importantly than any of that:...
P.S. - Jesus is totally real and he loves you. Deal with it.
Snow Job (Pairty Haird)
12-11-08
As I emerged victorious in me and IV's snow fight by a curveball to his eyes, rendering him defeated and partially blind in his right cornea...I had a revelation. I realized: I hate snow. That's why I lived in Pomona and Charleston. We don't conceive of snow. And it was awesome making snow hatchetmen and [slide] tackle football in 4 ft. of it for the weekend but I'm glad I have the blustery 85 degree in December weather to return to. We went to this dope fucking vegan pizza place called the Pizza Plant. I got a calzone which they called a POD because (1.) they were payable on death and (2.) the word calzone is racist. Read a book. Also supposedly arcades are still cool in Buffalo. And I thought Charleston lived in the past. There was this grown ass woman with her arms full of tickets like she was trying to buy the 6ft. Hello Kitty stuffed animal and I waited for some little kid to accompany her but nope...ridin' solo. Pics of me and her hanging out coming soon. Round 2 we bus, trained, and walked down to downtown Buffalo which looks like every other downtown I've ever been to. Except 4 times as many bars. Which makes sense cause I'd probably need to be fucking wasted at all times if I lived in goddamn Buffalo, New York. Oh yeah and I think some band played too? I fell in love with this girl who drove us back to the hotel, IV got some cheesesteak Mark was raging about, and we hated on some bearded bitches. All in all a good time. I can say without a 5'o clock shadow of a doubt that...
My heart will always remember right now. I'm a faggot. Peace.
As I emerged victorious in me and IV's snow fight by a curveball to his eyes, rendering him defeated and partially blind in his right cornea...I had a revelation. I realized: I hate snow. That's why I lived in Pomona and Charleston. We don't conceive of snow. And it was awesome making snow hatchetmen and [slide] tackle football in 4 ft. of it for the weekend but I'm glad I have the blustery 85 degree in December weather to return to. We went to this dope fucking vegan pizza place called the Pizza Plant. I got a calzone which they called a POD because (1.) they were payable on death and (2.) the word calzone is racist. Read a book. Also supposedly arcades are still cool in Buffalo. And I thought Charleston lived in the past. There was this grown ass woman with her arms full of tickets like she was trying to buy the 6ft. Hello Kitty stuffed animal and I waited for some little kid to accompany her but nope...ridin' solo. Pics of me and her hanging out coming soon. Round 2 we bus, trained, and walked down to downtown Buffalo which looks like every other downtown I've ever been to. Except 4 times as many bars. Which makes sense cause I'd probably need to be fucking wasted at all times if I lived in goddamn Buffalo, New York. Oh yeah and I think some band played too? I fell in love with this girl who drove us back to the hotel, IV got some cheesesteak Mark was raging about, and we hated on some bearded bitches. All in all a good time. I can say without a 5'o clock shadow of a doubt that...
My heart will always remember right now. I'm a faggot. Peace.
It's morphin(e) time!
11-17-07
Friends today...I embark on a great journey. A greater journey than Fifel's to the new world or even his expansive trip west to Texas. Yes friends a journey even greater than the Power Rangers from Angel Grove to the planet Phaedos to obtain the Ninjetti powers to defeat Ivan Ooze.
I shall go in search of!!!!...
A new job.
Now I have some advantages that Fifel and the Rangers did not. For one I'm a fucking human being, not a mouse. Mice rarely get hired. Although I saw a movie recently where a rat cooked pretty well and I hear chef's make decent wages. For two, my hours are more flexible than Kimberly and Adam's because I don't have to take time off to save the world from Putties and such. So there are forces at work here in my favor. However I don't know if Best Buy or Earthfare would rather me have the ability to morph and I bet Fifel's knowledge of various cheeses could be advantageous at Earthfare. BUT I DON'T EAT CHEESE! That aint VAF. And quite frankly it's racist.
Also I will be going to Mei Thai. The trashiest smallest thai restraunt in all the greater Charleston area. So naturally...it's my favorite. Anywhere I can go and my entire conversation with the waitress goes no further than a 2 digit number, I'm down for.
And after all that I will return to the dangerous land of white people and coke habits, Mt. Pleasant, to "pass the cheer" and be your barista for the evening. I reccomend the Pepper White Mocha...
Well I don't really. But the sign next to my picture says I do. And I believe everything I read.
Friends today...I embark on a great journey. A greater journey than Fifel's to the new world or even his expansive trip west to Texas. Yes friends a journey even greater than the Power Rangers from Angel Grove to the planet Phaedos to obtain the Ninjetti powers to defeat Ivan Ooze.
I shall go in search of!!!!...
A new job.
Now I have some advantages that Fifel and the Rangers did not. For one I'm a fucking human being, not a mouse. Mice rarely get hired. Although I saw a movie recently where a rat cooked pretty well and I hear chef's make decent wages. For two, my hours are more flexible than Kimberly and Adam's because I don't have to take time off to save the world from Putties and such. So there are forces at work here in my favor. However I don't know if Best Buy or Earthfare would rather me have the ability to morph and I bet Fifel's knowledge of various cheeses could be advantageous at Earthfare. BUT I DON'T EAT CHEESE! That aint VAF. And quite frankly it's racist.
Also I will be going to Mei Thai. The trashiest smallest thai restraunt in all the greater Charleston area. So naturally...it's my favorite. Anywhere I can go and my entire conversation with the waitress goes no further than a 2 digit number, I'm down for.
And after all that I will return to the dangerous land of white people and coke habits, Mt. Pleasant, to "pass the cheer" and be your barista for the evening. I reccomend the Pepper White Mocha...
Well I don't really. But the sign next to my picture says I do. And I believe everything I read.
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