Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl.

Now some of you may not know this, but I'm vegan. As fuck actually. That's the scientific genus phylum of my veganism: "as fuck." And basically what that means is, that I don't know what good food tastes like anymore. I have forgotten it's scumtrulescent flavors and delicacies and no longer enjoy Monster Thickburgers or jalapeno poppers. Nay. This takes an amazing discipline. Why you may ask? BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING EAT CHEESE! Have you ever not eaten cheese? No you haven't. I smell that Baby Bell cheese wheel in your pocket right now. So sometimes the subject of me being vegan will come up and ALWAYS some dumb bitch will say something like "oh you're vegan? I totally relate to your plight. I don't eat red meat." Oh really? CAUSE I DON'T EAT CHEESE! You're no martyr! Do you know what a grilled cheese taste like without cheese? It tasted like untoasted bread because I don't know how to preheat an oven and I'm not allowed to touch the toaster after a MINOR non-violent incident involving a pop-tart. I was cruising around (yeah, I "cruise" faggots. My car has a turbo engine and I own a Juvenile CD from 1999. We cruise ok?) near my house the other day with my adopted farther X-Wad and a cop pulls us over damn near in my driveway. He pulls us out of the car and starts searching it. I'm like ey pimpin, if I wanted some bacon (which I don't. It tastes good so I don't eat it) I'da gone to IHOP, what's the deal? He says he looking for heroin. X says "HEROIN?! This motherfucker over here doesn't even eat CHEESE!" Which is ANOTHER reason I hate white people.

You're probably thinking how am I gonna hate on whites, when I'M white. Well one, I hate everyone and TWO I'm not white smartass. I'm Venezuelan. Soy de Venezuela. Which works out because soy is vegan as fuck. People always try to make mexican epithets to me because they don't know any Venezuelan ones. The other day I got called a wetback by some yoga-matted, Columbia Sportswear waste. He was like "You know why they're called wetbacks right? Cause they got wet coming over in the rafts."


No motherfucker. They're called wetbacks because they SWAM here! If they were in a...a raft is a fucking watercraft! Their backs would remain as dry Michael Jackson in a room full of 17 yr old girls. If they came over in rafts they'd be wet WRISTS! From paddling. Not backs! fuck.

So anyway back to my stupid grandmother. She calls me up the other day asking me why I'm not at a big university like...well any university really. And I informed her of this new policy my landlord has where he wants the rent EVERY month and the schools normally have some system set up with currency exchanged for their services. I dunno the details I haven't really looked at the rate structure yet. So she says "But aren't you like Mexican or whatever? Don't they let you guys go for free?"

...

I'm gonna repeat that. Because it bares repeating.

Arent you (as in me) like Mexican (no) or whatever (DAMN! or whatever?! Like that's a category.) Don't they let you guys (who guys? I'm not a fucking wetwrist) go for free?

No. They don't.